Friday, April 17, 2009

So Strange, but So Good

Yesterday, as I was staggering home from my birthday massage, glistening in lotion and oil, I started to think about how bizarre the whole massage experience is. First, you voluntarily strip down and enter an enclosed room excitedly anticipating the touch of a complete stranger. Didn't we learn as children that this is exactly what you SHOULD NOT do? I mean, wasn't the highest commandment we were given by our parents was to not talk to strangers, let alone let them touch us? It all seems a little counter intuitive if you ask me.

Second of all, there is complete silence, outside of the "ocean" sounds, during the entire experience. So, now we have someone touching us and they aren't saying a word. And yet, for me, if the masseuse opens its mouth to make conversation I instantly hope that their car is being keyed at the moment or they will die that night.* Because let's be honest, if I was paying for a good conversation I would make an expensive long distance phone call to a friend of mine in Mongolia. I'm here to get rubbed down.

Third of all, after being touched and soothed into a tranquil state, the buzzer dings and you are asked to leave. This has to be the cruelest part of the whole experience. One minute you are lying on a lily pad of fresh cotton and being caressed by doves, and the next second you are being handed a cup of water and shoved out into traffic. They really should have a holding room where you can go and ease yourself back into reality.

Oh well, as bizarre as it all was, I swear, as all of you are my witness, when I become a millionaire I'm getting a private masseuse. That, and adopting a child from Cote D'Ivoire.

*I don't really want anything to happen to them that moment because they still have 33 minutes left to work on me.


OC Daimyo said...

here here

PhobiaDHS said...

Just found you after searching google for "Vomit Monster". Don't ask why. It is long and rather drab. Regardless, I am convinced that you should write a book. You have had me at very least interested, and at very most in fits the entire time I have been reading. A part of me thinks it is because I am from Utah as well, so I kindof know where you are coming from on things. Beyond all that "This is Your Life" crap I am spewing, you should really write a book! Do it!

Kate said...

thanks for the shout out...and please answer me as to why you were googling "Vomit monster."