Friday, January 29, 2010

Basketball With the Ladies

Every once in awhile I am reminded of what a strange place I live in. For example, Michael Keaton, star of Batman and Beetle Juice, has now become my new favorite customer. Each morning he comes in and says, "Morning Kate, I'll have my usual." To which, I reply, "Oh Mike, what possessed you to ever participate in the cinematic disaster of Herbie Fully Loaded?" To which he'll say, "Oh, Kate, your coffee is so bitter as is the truth that comes from your mouth." Okay, we don't really have a conversation but, he does say he'll have his usual and I get to shout out, "Latte for Mike!"

My other example, which is actually true, consists of another "movie star." (I use this term sort of loosely because 9 out 10 people won't know who she is, but if you ever had the pleasure of watching Stick It at the Sugarhouse dollar theater then you will definitely know who I'm talking about.) Yes, I'm talking about Missy (won't use last name in case she googles herself on a daily basis) from the hit Stick It, Heroes and the WB hit Reaper. Okay I think that is enough hype.

Anyway, the other day at the restaurant, while I was setting up the dining room, Missy called me over and we started to talk. (We became friends before) She asked me if I play any sports and I said, "Well, I coach lacrosse, cycle and occasionally play some pick up basketball." She immediately asked where I play basketball and if she could join me. Like a total idiot, I said, "Sure, a bunch of girls from my church get together on Saturday and play. Would you like to come this weekend?" To which she said yes.

So, I guess tomorrow I'm taking "movie star" Missy to the stake center to play basketball with a bunch of post-pregnant mothers, who will probably be dressed in full BYU attire and ask to pray before the game. What in the world was I thinking?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Lacrosse Is A Total Lie

The other day I was attaching a throat protector onto my goalie's helmet. While sifting through the many screws, diagrams and directions I stumbled upon a small insert entitled "Helmet Safety Booklet." Because my dear father always preached the importance of safety, I decided to see if there was anything I was missing about constructing an ordinary lacrosse helmet.

After a couple page, I realized three things: 1. I didn't know the truth behind the sport I loved. (The following is taken from "Helmet Safety Booklet")

Yeah, death! I've played this reckless sport since I was five. My parents encouraged me. I went to college on a scholarship to play this forsaken sport...and NOW I'm finding out that I could have died? I feel like I've been lied to my entire life. Thanks Safety Booklet for finally having the conversation everyone was afraid to have.

2. What a concussion is:Ahh, yes, thank you for breaking it down into layman terms.

AND 3.I learned that bad actions can have some nasty wrong hit could ruin your life...for..ev..errrr. Who knew? WHO knew?

I never said my sense of humor made sense.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Humans are the Worst

My $30.00 3D Glasses, that I'll be wearing during every movie for the rest of my life.

Last night Roddy Piper (name has been changed to protect the privacy of my husband) and I decided to follow the masses and go see Avatar. Now, I must admit that I was rather impressed by the special effects and the 3D was...totally worth it. (I'm trying to tell myself that since I spent my future child's college fund on my movie ticket.)

Anyway, as spectacular as the special effects were, I must admit, I was rather perplexed by the story and end message of the movie. (Spoiler alert) Take for example the last battle scene between the Avatar people (sorry I don't remember their Tribal name because I'm not a dork or still live in my parent's basement) and the humans. I couldn't help but think, as I was watching humans get speared with arrows, that as a spectator was I supposed to be hoping that humans got killed? Was I supposed to cheer every time one of my fellow homo sapiens was torn apart or flung from a ship in order to protect the beloved planet of Pandora? Apparently so, because, and I'm not exaggerating, as more humans were being killed, more people starting cheering in the movie theater. I felt like yelling out, "Yeah, get 'em. Humans suck!!"

Whatever happened to the typical scenes of humans killing aliens, dinosaurs, King Kong, sharks, predators and machines from the future? Now, those are movies I get.

As a side note, I read in The Week that people are experiencing depression after leaving Avatar because they long to live on Pandora. Maybe humans do suck...

Friday, January 22, 2010


* I tried to find the most awkward image and this one has always been seared in my brain.

Over the course of my life I have participated in many strange conversations. For example in college, I've answered questions about my religion and why I don't drink from countless intoxicated people. (There's nothing like bearing a strong testimony to someone struggling to stand up.) I've pieced together through hand gestures and broken Mongolian that the milk I was drinking was from a sick sheep. And, I've tried to explain and coach lacrosse to a number of questionable intelligent and athletic girls.

However, as disjointed, confusing and sometimes awkward these conversations were nothing compares to speaking to one of my co-workers. She takes awkward conversations to a whole new level. For example, while polishing silverware with her yesterday the following conversation took place:

Awkward Girl: Where are you from?
Me: Pennsylvania.
Awkward Girl: Go to much Eagles' Games?
Me: Nope. But watched them every Sunday.
Awkward Girl: What sign are you?
Me: Sign?
Awkward Girl: Yeah your sign.
Me: I don't know I'm an Aries.
Awkward Girl: Hmmm.
Me: What does that have to do with football?
Awkward Girl: It doesn't.
Me: (While looking away) Huh?

Example Two: (Last week sometime)
Awkward Girl: Kate, do you lift?
Me: Used to. Not really anymore.'
Awkward Girl: So you use dumbbells?
Me: Yeah I used to.
Awkward Girl: Dumbbells can be heavy.
Me: (While looking away) Yeah.

Now in my mind, after one of our awkward conversations, I high five the air and scream, "Awesome conversation (name of employee)!" It's the only thing that stops my body from convulsing into spasms of awkwardness.

I've decided from now on she's going to be the one feeling awkward. For example, if she asks me about what I ate for lunch I'm going to respond with, "Food makes my body gasy. Do you ever feel like running into a wall full speed?" Or if she asks me one more time what sign I am (this is a re-occurring question in the middle of awkward conversations) I'm going to say, "I'm the Ram after the golden ram that rescued Phrixos, taking him to the land of Colchis." And then walk away. Let her go into spasms...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

It Wasn't My Fault

The other day a normal looking man came into the restaurant to apply for a job. On his application under the part: Have you ever been convicted of a felony? My prospective co-worker wrote: 2001, convicted of burglary...(It wasn't my fault)

Sort of awesome.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Because who wasn't curious about my recent trip to Hawaii I thought I would post some pictures. Please feel free to go to another website at this time...This was the house we stayed in and the view from my room.The following are an assortment of pictures of activities we enjoyed while there.

I know I hate myself...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Boneshia - A Perplexing Paradox

For the past couple of weeks I've been attending a spin class at my local gym. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of pounding on a stationary bike in a poorly ventilated room with sometimes deeply annoying music, let me just say, you are truly missing out. I don't even want to know the types of fungi that can be found growing in the dark corners of these rooms.

Anyway, I bring up this wonderful addition to my work out regime in order to discuss my spin teacher. I'm deeply confused by this woman. One, and please don't take offense to this, but this woman is rather large. So, large in fact, that I'm not really sure how she peddles. And, this woman doesn't just teach one class and then eats butter for the rest of the day, but according to the schedule, this woman teaches A LOT of classes. Honestly, I've been tempted to follow her to see if she eats small children on the way home.

Secondly, I have always thought that if someone signs up to be a "teacher" or an "instructor" that must mean they enjoy at least one of the following: teaching, being around people, motivating, or being outside their home for periods of time. However, I have yet to see any of these qualities from my spin teacher. Instead, I would call her one the meanest women I have ever encountered. For example, she typically begins class with the following statement: (said in anger) "If you don't follow what I say, if you talk during my class, if you leave early, if you start doing your own thing then I will make you leave." Make you leave? What about "I'll ask you to leave?" No?

I don't know where her anger stems from. Maybe she's angry at the stationary bike manufacturers for making such small bikes. Maybe she's sick of spinning for hours and hours and never going anywhere. Maybe the fungi from the room has penetrated her brain and eaten away all her tact and kindness. I don't know. I just wish she wasn't so mean.

Lastly, I'm perplexed by my reaction to her. I typically spend the entire hour of the spin class trying to make her happy by following all her orders with exactness, and smiling when she ridicules new people, who don't know how to properly set up their bikes. I don't know if my reaction is a mixture of fear that her anger will be directed towards me, or a genetic disorder of needing everyone to be happy that is around me? All I know is Boneshia, stop the anger, stop the snacking before bed and stopping scaring the hell out of me.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I'm Not Funny

If I have been known to call you a close friend then you know sometimes my humor misses the mark. For example, remember Emad when I used scream out good night to your neighbors? You know the ones who didn't like it when I used to park outside their house and honk my horn? Or the time I thought it would be funny to break up with my friend's 7th grade boyfriend in the cafeteria and then had to watch him start to cry in front of everyone? Or, of course, the time I thought it would be hilarious to key a car - which sort of led to the arrest of my roommate?

Well, as much as I regret those moments, I fear I have yet to learn my lesson. Take for example today. A man and woman came into the restaurant to order some food. I was feeling my 11 o'clock energy (after my mid morning snack of something from the pastry case) and fell into the following conversation:

Man: I'll have a cheeseburger medium with an ice tea.

Kate: Great. And for your wife?

Man: That's not my wife.

Kate: Oh, good because I was going to say you could do a lot better.
(Kate waits for laugh) (awkward silence continues) (Kate contemplates screaming fire and running for the exits) (Man looks at Kate with a weird look) (More awkward silence)

Man: That's my girlfriend.

Great! We'll she be having a cheeseburger too?

When will I learn?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Clear Consciousness

About two years ago I got stopped by a charismatic hippie outside of the grocery store. Since I wasn't working at the time, and my days typically consisted of working out, looking at the internet and waiting for Mr. Hastings (name has been changed to protect the privacy of my husband) to come home I stopped to hear him out. Immediately, he went off on something about whales or seals in the ocean, trash build up and the world coming to an end. As I began to say I'm sorry for not cutting the plastic that holds 6-packs together, he announced that I could end all these environmental mistakes by donating to Greenpeace. I had to admit, $30 sounded pretty good for a clean world and a clear conscious, so I signed up. Little did I know that this $30 donation was actually used to purchase large amounts of forests, that environmentalists could tear down in order to print, and send to me, about every failing in the world on glossy and pretty brochures, mailers and post cards. To this day, I receive about two mailers a week informing me about the destruction outside my door and how MY money can make it go all away.

However, as annoying as all my environmental mailers are, I have to admit signing up for Green Peace was one of my greatest decisions. No, it's not because I believe in what they are doing, or am I a closet tree hugger. Instead, I enjoy encountering some hippie, with a clip board in hand, creep into my path on the street, and while launching into their sad diatribe about the environment, cutting them off and saying, "Don't worry I'm already a member." And then comes the best part...Immediately, the hippies throw their clip boards in the air and high five me with all the excitement in the world. I then respond with a meek nod of the head and continue on my way.

I'm telling you paying that $30 was great. One, I can walk by any Starbucks, Barnes and Noble or American Apparel without even breaking stride. And two, I believe that that $30 actually purchased me a "Get out of Jail for Free" card for anything people are selling. For example, if someone asks: Would you like to donate to UNICEF? I say: Already a member! Would you like to become a member of the National Coalition for the Homeless? Already did! Would you please sign this petition to stop the spread of AIDS in cats? Did it yesterday!

Yes, these might seem like lies, but I'm telling you it just makes everyone happy. You get to continue walking and the superheroes of our environment get to feel like they aren't alone. Try it next time you encounter a hippie holding a clipboard. It's fantastic.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Realistic Resolutions

I swear every year it is the same - February through December - The usual suspects at the gym - January - everyone and their mother. I wish everyone would just be honest with themselves and make realistic resolutions. That way I wouldn't have to work out behind "Man who ate burrito for lunch and didn't realize circulation in gym isn't that good," or watch, "Woman who is curling five pound for ten minutes with a look of confusion on her face." (Yes, my nicknames for stupid people sound like something an old Indian chief would say.)

I mean seriously, if you are going to make a resolution do something you can actually accomplish. For example, here are my resolutions and how I plan on accomplishing them.

1. I'm going to stop swearing by using more hand gestures.

2. I'm going to stop snacking after eight by snacking more at 7:59. It doesn't count if it is already in your mouth.

3. I'm going to watch less TV by watching more online.

4. I'm going to stop making inappropriate comments at church by not sitting with my husband anymore.

See realistic goals. People this isn't rocket surgery.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

2009 in Review

I know I'm a week into 2010, but I wanted to take a moment and reflect on 2009. It was quite a year. I was awarded my first yellow card as a coach for yelling out, "You are absolutely horrible," during a strange moment of silence during our BYU game. I became a tip whore at a local restaurant here in Santa Monica. I passed out at work and still have to smile when people say, "Hey, you aren't going to pass out on me?" I spent two weeks in bed contemplating the origin of man, why the girls on Gossip Girl are always so well dressed and if I could develop bed sores by laying in one position for a long period of time. Got some golf clubs, got a hole in one, damaged some greens after some missed puts and loss a whole hell of a lot of balls into some dangerous waters. Met some D-listers, saw U2 in Vegas, surfed in Hawaii, rode some miles in St. George and enjoyed my life with Mr. Bubbles. (name has been changed to protect the privacy of my husband). Like I said, it was a good year.

And, just in case anyone out there's a little "Best of 2009"

Top Five Songs of 2009 (Not particularly 2009 songs, but ones I enjoyed a great deal) :
1. "Let Your Loss Be Your Lesson" Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
2. "My Love For You is Real" Ryan Adams
3. "American Boy" Estelle
4. "Burning Love" Elvis Presley
5. "Don't Forget Sister" Low vs. Diamond

Top Five Movies of 2009:
1. (500) Days of Summer
2. Blood Diamond (yeah, I just finally saw it)
3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
4. Duplicity
5. Doubt

Top Books of 2009:
1. East of Eden
2. Michael Jackson: Unauthorized Biography
3. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
4. My Sister's Keeper
5. Barbara Walters: Lifelong Audition

Top TV Shows of 2009:
1. Friday Night Lights
2. Modern Family
3. Cougartown
4. The Bachelor
5. 24

Favorite Picture of 2009:

Sadly, that's all I got.