Thursday, May 29, 2014

Bad Driver On Board

Can someone explain to me the reasoning, benefits and background of the "Baby on Board" signs people decide to place in the back of their cars?  Anyone.  I'll even take answers from people driving hybrids, driving insanely slow in the carpool lane, who ordered these signs off Amazon, and with great pride, leaned into the back seat and placed the sign on the window minutes before their child entered the world.  Seriously, anyone?

Because here's my thoughts on the signs:

1. These signs don't deter me from tailgating your bumper, while my own child sings "Let it Go" for the 1,000th time in the back.  No, if anything these signs infuriate me.  You had a child.  Congratulations!  But you know what, that sign was not issued by the DMV, nor was it given you to as you left the hospital with your newborn.  In reality, the sign means nothing.  Yes, you should be safe while driving with a little human, but don't put that sign up to mask your lack of driving skills. If you are slowing down for a yellow and driving twenty five through a neighborhood I'm going to call you a name and possibly give you the finger.  Own your bad driving. Don't blame the kid.  

2. If people are going to continue with these signs can they at least become mandatory for everyone else?  For example I would love to see, "Illegals On Board."  (No more hiding.  At least with this sign I'll understand why you don't want to be pulled over for going over the speed limit.)  "Phone on Board."  Ah, so the swerving is not you but the phone being texted on.  Got it.  "Asian On Board."  Do you know how many swear words this sign alone would save me?  "Insecure About Manhood on Board."  Ah, the big truck and speeding.  Now it makes sense.  

3. Now, now, now people I can sort of deal with the "Baby on Board" sign, but let's not get all crazy and graduate to the "Child on Board."  Are you really going to keep updating your sign until it reads, "Lonely/Overprotective Mother on Board"?  Again, there's no power or meaning to these signs.  All they really mean is: You like to watch your toddler sleep...for hours.  And sometimes you like to chew their food for them.  You consider beating kids up who aren't nice to your kid at the park, and think any parent, who doesn't hold their child for at least 45 minutes everyday is being negligent.  You are a crazy parent and that sign only confirms it.  So listen, stop the crazy train and take down the sign.  You will survive and your kid will become potty trained at a normal age. I promise.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Damn Space

The other day I had the marvelous opportunity to watch one of the greatest movies ever made.  I'll give you a second to guess.  If anyone thinks of a Wes Anderson movie I'm going to have to politely ask you to exit my blog.  Seriously, hipsters - no one understands those movies.  Even you don't.

Okay, some of you probably thought of this already so I'll just say it - Dirty Dancing.  Why Dirty Dancing? (If you are questioning that I, again, might have to ask you to come back another day.)  Alright, why is Dirty Dancing a masterpiece? Um, besides the dancing and music, let's try the story of triumph of two worlds finding each other and falling in love?!  Accomplishing a goal?  Hard lessons on falling for the wrong guy?  The journey of becoming a woman?!  People, I can't teach a Cinema 101 class here.

Alright, needless to say I love this movie. I loved it when I was forbidden to see at the age of 8 and I still love it today.  However, I must admit that I didn't fully grasp a lot of the movie when I first saw it.  Never caught the "dirty dancing" aspect - just thought people danced close and never really understood what got Penny so in trouble - just thought she had a bad stomach ache.  And lastly, I never caught one of the memorable lines of the movie.  (No not the" in a corner" one.)  Instead, there's a moment when Patrick Swayze is teaching Jennifer Grey how to dance and he grasps her arms, and while making motion between them says, "This is my dance space, and that is your dance space."  At age 8, I thought he said, "This is my damn space and that is your damn space."  (What can I say, I lived in a home with a lot of profanity.) Consequently, for the next 20 years or so I managed to say that line to numerous people in numerous situations.  For example, I remember jumping on a trampoline with some friends when I screamed out, as one got too close to me, "Listen, this is my damn space and that is your damn space."  It now makes sense why they seemed a little offended.  Then there was another time when I finally convinced my boyfriend to come out dancing with me, when after a few minutes of awkward swaying back and forth, I grabbed his shoulders, and did my best Patrick Swayze impression as I yelled to him about his "damn space."  After a few seconds he walked away from me.  At the time, I just thought we were just having another passive aggressive fight, not a gross misunderstanding of a movie line.  Oh, had I known.

So listen kids, I think we all know the lesson here: if you are going to watch movies that are forbidden at least learn the right lines.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


The other night I got to go to Disneyland with my friend and no children.  Yeah, no children.  I'm not even sure why Disneyland allows children because I got to say it's a lot more magical without 3 feet little people attempting to run away from you as you wait in line for a thirty second ride.  (Oh, sorry, I should clarify, I meant children, not actual little people. I'm all for little people at Disneyland, and I'm all for them making candy in factories and coming out of cars with 20 of their friends.  Did that clear any offense?  Perfect.)

As we left the park, we started talking to a twenty-something hipster named Dylan.  Dylan, after some hard interrogation on our part one question about the different parking lots, revealed to us that he was indeed an employee of Disneyland.  AND not just any employee, but a freaking skipper on the Jungle Cruise.  (For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of attending Disneyland - the Jungle Cruise is a ten minute ride on a boat through a series of animatronics of monkeys, tribes people, piranhas, and hippos.  While you travel through this jungle wonder, a skipper pretends to drive the boat while telling jokes about the fake animals.  It's as magical as it sounds.)

Once we recovered from our initial shock of seeing an employee out of costume, I mean, once we figured we were going to be on the same bus with Dylan, we started to ask him about what's it's like to work at Disneyland.  And the following was revealed:

1. Dylan, with a college degree, decided to leave Washington, move down here, live out of his car for 2 months, all so he could work at Disneyland, because, and I quote, "That was always my dream."

My question: Your dream?  To say the same thing every day to a bunch of Asians and tired parents, who can only mildly hear you or understand your corny jokes?  Son, I think we need to redefine what it means to "dream."

2. Dylan told us that skippers of the Jungle Cruise are pretty much the "coolest people" at the park and their ride or attraction - I still haven't mastered the difference, is like the head fraternity of the park because of the "craziness" that takes place.

My thought:  The skippers are the coolest?  So, what's the general hierarchy of Disney?  Green soldiers total weirdos, Princesses, obviously, are the sluts, guides at Tower of Terror are just misunderstood and tour guides on Storybook Land Canals are fun, but at the end of the day won't do something crazy like make a joke about a monkey animatronic?  Go it.

Oh, and we asked about the "craziness" that goes, wow, wow, my ears heard things I wish I could unhear.  Um, sometimes, they put up to 45 people on one boat.  That's freaking 2 more people than they are supposed to.  One time, Dylan was getting heckled so bad he lied and said that if they keep it up he could sink the ship...and they stopped.  Oh, that's just wild.

3. Lastly, after quizzing us on pointless fun facts about the park (which we didn't know the answer to - stupid season holders) Dylan dropped one more bomb on us.  I asked him if there were just a bunch of jokes he had to memorize and then he got to pick which ones he used, or were they allowed to improvise.  By the look of his face you would have thought I just asked a Scientologist what is an E-Meter.  (Look it up kids.)  After a few seconds he replied, "I can't answer that question because I think that would ruin the magic of the park."

My thought:  I wonder how many meetings employees have to attend that are titled, "How to protect, promote, believe, die by, the idea that Disneyland is not a money grabbing racket, but a place of magic"?

Thanks Dylan for the insight.  I hope in thirty years I can come back with my grandkids and still see you rocking that hilarious skipper uniform.  I mean, that's the goal right?  Don't ever dream again Dylan!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Be Prepared to Be Shocked

So, it turns out, according to my trusty news magazine, that scientists, yes scientists people, have discovered that peeing in pools can actually cause damage to the people inside the pool.  Apparently, and this sort of makes me question everything I thought I knew about the world, chlorine does not have the magical power to sift pee out of water and turn it into clean water, or air, or fairy dust.  (Great....sorry Africa, I thought I had the perfect method to clean your water...and your national debt.  Thanks a lot chlorine.)

No apparently, if there's excessive pee in the pool, and according to the study, that is currently in my trash so I'm going to have to go off memory, there's a lot of pee generally in pools, it mix with chlorine and can turn into a very dangerous chemical that can mess you up.  Again, I wish I had the specifics on this to drive this home.

I'll admit that after reading this I caught myself being surprised by the findings, but then I thought, "Why am I surprised that peeing in a pool, WITH OTHER PEOPLE, isn't a great idea?!"  I mean, do I think showering in fecal matter would be a good idea?  Or do I think hot tubbing in raw chicken sounds fun?  No. No, it doesn't.   Would I allow someone to pee directly on me?  (Regardless of the dare or jellyfish sting)  Answer is still no. And yet, I was surprised and little disappointed by these findings.

And then I started thinking who even started this trend?  I don't remember my mom teaching me to pee in the bath, or in a bucket I was bobbing for apples in, or in a pot of soup.  (Yes, those would cover all the liquid scenarios I could think of.)  No, actually I remember my mom saying, "You pee in the toilet."  Yes, just the toilet.  And yet, somehow, and some way we all do it.

Honestly, did someone, many years ago, get caught peeing in the pool, and in order to cover up their massive faux pas exclaim, "It's okay!  I put a chemical in the pool that destroys my urine.  Seriously, everyone, please pee away.  It's okay.  Look I'm taking water into my mouth and spitting it out!"  And then it began - our pools became giant toilets because someone lied about a magical chemical? Is chlorine even a real chemical?  Did my hair in the summer time really turn green because of the excessive pee it was floating in, or did chlorine actually damage it?  Is drinking and breathing pee the reason Ryan Lochte is such an idiot?
People, the summer is upon us, I need answers.