Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Footlong Mistake

Sorry for the week of no posts. I had a terrible week of bad karma. How did it all begin? Well, last Saturday the husband and I went up to Camarillo to do some shopping. After four hours of the husband saying, "I don't know what looks good. Ask someone else," we took a break and enjoyed some Subway sandwiches. As we were eating, I realized the total I was told, and paid for, didn't seem to make sense. After retrieving my receipt, I noticed the Subway employee neglected to charge us for the husband's sandwich. Now, here's where I went wrong. As we sat there watching millions of people file around the stores and restaurants, we decided we weren't going to go up and rectify our bill. I know, I know I seem like someone who has a conscious. (My apologies for crashing your hopes and dreams.)

Anyway, as we continued with our day I had the nagging feeling that this false decision was going to come back and haunt us. And oh, how it did.

Fast forward eight hours, the husband and I have just enjoyed some delightful Japanese food (which we paid in full) and we find ourselves entering our apartment's elevator at a slightly heightened pace. (We were sort of chasing/fighting each other.) Anyway, me, always being the brilliant one, decided to change the game and threw my keys at the husband. As soon as I let go of the keys, I saw the Subway staff doing inventory and wondering where did that unaccounted foot long wheat go? Where did it go Subway? Well, probably not the same place my keys ended up. Yep, my keys managed to ricochet off the husband and down the elevator shaft. Gone. Point for you karma.

Now, I wish I could tell you that that was the end of the game, but karma wanted more. Fast forward five hours and I find myself, like a freshmen in college after her first night of drinking, throwing up my PAID for Japanese food. Yep, not only did I lose my keys, but I also got the STOMACH flu! Yeah.

Moral of the story: Pay your freaking Subway bill. The universe is watching.

Oh, and if this didn't seem awkward...more stories are coming.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It Wasn't Me

Awkward #4:

A few weeks ago I went to the grocery store to get some dinner for a big party I was throwing...oh wait, I was getting dinner for myself. (Cue complaint about my husband's hours.) Anyway, as I rounded the corner to the produce section, I heard a very loud crash followed by about 30 bottles of wine falling to the ground. As I stepped closer to see what had happened a man popped up from the mess, made eye contact with me and then quickly walked away. After he rounded the corner, another customer, who saw the scene, looked at me and asked, "Did he just run away?"

Now, of course, the fact that a grown man would run away from such a huge mess is slightly awkward, but things got more awkward as we continued to run into each other throughout the store. Every time we would find ourselves on the same aisle I would look at him with the, "I know what you did," look and he would respond with, "Please don't tell them it was me" look.

Finally, after three different awkward encounters, I began to wonder why he ran away in the first place. Did he think they were going to revoke his shopping privileges for life? Did he think they were going to make him clean up the virtual winery on the floor? Or even pay for the mess? Did he think they would make him drink the spilled wine while shouting, "YOU ARE AN IDIOT AND EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW IT!!!?" Honestly, was does this guy do when he makes a mistake at work? Burn the office down so no one will know he accidentally pressed "reply to all" instead of replying back to one person?

Hey, grown man at the grocery store you made a mistake. It's okay. Really. It was wine on sale at the grocery store. We aren't talking real expensive stuff.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Guess What? Your Car Just Got Keyed!

Awkward #3: (refer to the last two entries)

Homeless man walks down four blocks and scratches every car with a pocket knife. Finally, at the fourth block the police catch up with him and he is arrested.

It is estimated that almost twenty cars were scratched. His last victim was a nice Lexus.

I walk into the restaurant, after getting the story from the police officer, and say out loud, as I'm pointing to the street, "Man, I would hate to own that Lexus."

Three tables over a customer pops his head up and says, "What did you say about my Lexus?"

Monday, December 5, 2011

Big Hat

For those of you, who haven't been reading my blog because of my gross neglect I have decided, well since my last entry, to recount some of the past awkward moments I have had to endure through the month of November.

Awkward Situation #2
So, on Thanksgiving day I was working at the restaurant serving ridiculous amounts of food to ridiculous amounts of people. (You know our country is disgustingly obese when, on the most gluttonous day of the year, people BEGIN their feasts with eggs benedict, pancakes, bacon and hash browns.) I digress.

As I was finishing up for the day, Norm MacDonald (star of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live and Billy Madison) walked in and plopped down at one of my tables. He's a bit of a regular so I wasn't star struck or overly excited to take one more customer. However, as I got to the table he shouted out, "Hey, long time no see!" and then proceeded to grab my hand and perform the most awkward handshake. Now, this five minute hand jive would constitute an awkward moment, but then it got a little stranger. As we bumped fists and slapped palms, he said, "Last night I made food for Thanksgiving, but then I left it out all night and it spoiled, so I left everyone in my house and came here." (Still attempting to master the 90210 Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh final high five.) He then proceeded to ask, "Do you guys do Thanksgiving to go?" At this, I pulled my hand away, and realized poor Norm was deeply drunk and in deeply in need of a Boston Market...and maybe a request for a quick impression of Burt Reynolds. (Come on, like you wouldn't have taken advantage of his inebriation and said, "Big Hat. It's funny because it's a big hat." Right?)

Anyway, after downing an omelet and some hash browns, he announced he had found a "Thanksgiving take out place" (yep, I bet it was awesome too) and proceeded to grab my hand for a final adieu. Fortunately, I was ready this time and got out after two sort of cool snaps.

I don't know what was more awkward, the fact that he seemed to think we were really good friends, or the fact that he sucks at handshakes?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I Literally Died

This is me being literally dragged to Hawaii.


Since 1 of my 5 readers threatened to stop following my blog I have decided to check in (yeah, that's right, Meg Schmidt - you are getting a shout out.) I apologize for the absence, but since my last entry, I've been to Hawaii, celebrated Turkey Day and....um, sort of started watching Hart of Dixie. Oh, did I just lose 1 of my five readers? I meant, I've been watching Hawaii 5-0...oh, and all of the sudden, my readership in the midwest and between the ages of 41-to dead has gone drastically up!

Alright, enough of the excuses to the faceless cyber-world, let's get down to it. This past month has been an unusually awkward month for me. Therefore, for the next six entries you are going to get to see the past month through my eyes.

Awkward Situation #1:
After being in Hawaii a little over a week, I returned to work and was asked about 100 times, "Where were you?" by co-workers and my regulars. I finally grew tired of saying, while shrugging my shoulders in the most pathetic attempt at humility, "Um, I was in Hawaii for a week with my husband's family," so I decided to change things up on one unsuspecting customer. The following awkward conversation occurred:

Customer: "So, I came in last week and asked to sit in your section, but they said you were not here."
Kate: "Oh, yeah. It's actually sort of crazy."
Customer: Pushes aside his oatmeal and leans in...
Kate: "My husband just packed my bags, threw me on a plane and forced me to go to Hawaii. It was pretty scary there...but, someone had to do it."

NO EXAGGERATION
Customer: (Slight moment of silence) "Um, Kate, are you okay? Are you still with your husband?"

I got to admit I just don't understand literal people. What kind of world do you all live in? Do you look at people's crotches in disgust when the say, "I literally peed my pants?" Are you enraged when you find out someone didn't die even when they said they literally died when they found something out? And do you truly believe someone gets DRAGGED to Hawaii?

On second thought, was this customer being sarcastic with me? Am I literal person?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Halloween - Yous Confusin'

I don't know about you, but I find Halloween sort of confusing. I mean, when I see a grown man wearing a Darth Vader mask and boxer briefs underneath a cape (true customer yesterday) am I supposed to just think that's alright? Am I just supposed to refill his ice tea and not stop and say, "Um, those boxer briefs are really leaving nothing to the imagination, so if you wouldn't mind..." I just don't get it. How come boxer briefs in public are okay yesterday, but severely taboo today? It just doesn't make sense.

The other aspect of Halloween I find very confusing is that the whole day you find yourself wondering, "Now are you dressed up as Harry Potter or are you just some little English Guy who ran into a glass door when he was five?" (Again, true customer from yesterday.) Seriously, all this confusion creates some awkward situations. For example, I almost said to one woman, "Man, I love the deranged look you have going today. Are you supposed to be an escaped schizophrentic from some psychiatric ward?" (Turns out she just needed some coffee and food and then the deranged look went away.) Or the actual slip I made when I said to a kid, IN FRONT OF HIS MOM, "Are you a zombie?" (In my defense, he was so immersed in his mom's Ipad he didn't even notice when I brought his food out.)

Anyway, Halloween, you and I have had some good times, but on whole I just don't get ya.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

People Are Idiots

I know I say this a lot, but I'm continually shocked by what people do and say in a restaurant. Today, was definitely one of those days when I thought to myself, "I don't get paid enough for this crap."

First customer:
We'll call him George. George comes in a lot and likes to talk. He'll see you have ten tables holding up empty glasses of ice tea and continue to talk to you about the cost of sheep in Asia - and I should mention, while you neglect your other tables to hear these rants of a lonely man, he doesn't tip that well. So, basically, I am nice to George because I realize he's lonely, but I sort of dread when he's around. Anyway, today I was a little slow so I made the deadly mistake of saying, "George how are you today?" For the next five minutes he proceeded to tell me about the infection in his foot. He used words like pus, dead skin and potential for more infection. I just stood there trying to think about anything but the two layers of dead skin his doctor removed yesterday and what it looked like falling to the floor. Finally, I cut him off and said, "Well, George you want to order some food? and he said, "Well, I'll have some pancakes but I have to keep this foot elevated,"...and then I did the unthinkable - I looked. I looked at the infected foot. Why was it out for everyone to see? Well, some time during me trying to zone out of this nightmare, George had taken off his sock to give me a first hand look at his foot. I know what you are thinking - who does that? People in a restaurant.

2nd set of customers:
These two idiots sat down, made some stupid reply to my "Can I get you guys something to drink?" with "Only if you have an IV of coffee on you," and then after I didn't laugh, they ordered 1 (remember this number) 1 muffin. Now, after getting their complicated order, I ran to the market area to get other tables' muffins and coffee. I had not rung in the muffin yet, but decided to pick if up for the idiots and then put it in later. So, now the idiots have 1 muffin - which they start to eat. After ten minutes, I ring in the muffin they are eating, but unknowingly someone grabs them a muffin, thinking I just rang it in, and brought it to their table. Now, what would you do in this situation? Would you say, "Um, sorry we already have our muffin and didn't order another one," or would you say nothing, take the muffin, eat it, and when your server comes over to ask you why you ate the other muffin, do you feign surprise that another muffin appeared AND inform your server you won't be paying for it? Guess which option these idiots chose? Because all restaurants have the policy of "Buy 1 get 1 completely free immediately after."

I hate people sometimes.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Real Life of An Attorney

For those of you who thought being an attorney was all about reading documents and writing contracts...you also need to be up to date on Real Housewives of New Jersey. (It's a section on the BAR - or so he said.)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

In Need of Adult Companionship

I've realized, after many nights of being left alone by my over worked husband, that I don't function very well without some type of adult companionship. For example, since being home at 4pm I've had two bowls of cereal - one counted as a quasi lunch/"energy" for some type of exercise to be completed before dinner, and the other bowl was initially classified as a snack, but to be honest it really should fall under the category of "I'm lonely and these honey nut cheerios will make it all better." (I should also say that between the cereal I had dinner. So, the 2nd bowl wasn't really a snack, but more of an unnecessary treat to myself for finishing my dinner.)

Now, overeating is not only my only issue with being alone. In addition to taking down boxes of cereal, I also find myself in periodic time warps of the internet. It seems like every time I go to check the weather to see if I need to put on a long sleeve for my run, I end up reading ridiculous articles about Beyonce and Jennifer Aniston for 45 minutes. 45 minutes and I'm still not even sure if Jennifer has found the one and if she is indeed pregnant.

Once I shake myself from the food and the internet, I coax myself into some type of exercise, which is really a means to making more room for cereal, and then, because, again, I'm not a highly functioning alone person, I'll take a shower with my the bathroom door open and my apartment door unlocked. How many times have I stopped my shower in panic because I thought I heard something or someone? Too many to count. Has this made me lock my apartment door? Not yet.

And lastly, as if the eating disorder, internet obsession and streak of exhibitionism wasn't bad enough, I'll admit, and only because we are good friends, there may or may not be some dancing in front of the many mirrors in my apartment. What? I'm on a freaking sugar high...you try sitting still after two rather large bowls of cereal.

Hey, attorney husband...come home to your wife.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Halloween Is A ONE Day Holiday

Last night I was in West Hollywood and saw numerous people dressed up in costumes. (I know, it's West Hollywood, and these people might have been just going to the store or renting a movie, but it brings up a particular point I would like to make.)

First of all, I would like to state that I'm all for costumes on Halloween. Let me repeat, I'm in favor of costumes ON Halloween. However, for those of you who think October is like December and feel like it's alright to dress up for 30 days until the big event, let me just say it's not. Halloween is one day, and therefore, you are only supposed to dress up for ONE day. I mean if we allow this blatant stupidity what's next? All April we hide eggs, carry baskets of candy and hop around like stupid bunnies until Easter? Or do we parade around with handfuls of flags until, and this of course is one of my favorite holidays, Flag Day decides to finally come? Or do you want loads of college students drunk the entire month of February until all their Irish blood manifests on St. Patrick's Day? I didn't think so.

So, to you premature celebrators out there, who think it's okay a week BEFORE Halloween to dress up as bizarre zombies and skeletons, just hold off one more week. What are you five?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Honesty Will Cost Ya

Since working at a restaurant for almost 2 1/2 years I've learned that my job isn't just about friendly service and hospitality, but more about an astute ability to lie. For example here's some of my favorites:

Food comes out wrong
Option 1: Play up the fact that our kitchen is mostly Hispanic, and then exaggerate the obvious language barrier with some type of mild racial slur.
Option 2: Claim another server took your food to another table. Make a lighthearted joke like this one, "I'll go check on table 10 and see if they are enjoying your breakfast."

Food is taking too long (because you forgot to put the order into the computer)
Option 1: Claim that your systems just went down for a few minutes and now the kitchen is scrambling to catch up on all the back orders.
Option 2: Claim their food came up, but you inspected it, found it to be cold and demanded an immediate "refire." I usually deliver this with a disappointed face.

Questions about "free range" and organic food
Option 1: Ask them this, "Were you hoping to find free range chicken?" Person answers, "No, I hate free range chicken." So you say, "Well, then good because you are in luck. Our food is NOT, I repeat NOT free range." If they reply, "Why yes, I only eat free range." Then you say, "Well, then good because you are in luck. Our food is free range. I repeat is free range."
Option 2: Always say yes to organic. If some idiot is asking, then they are looking for a yes. (If you say no, they might ask you why you don't recycle. It's just not worth it.)

Do you like _____?
Option 1: Decide what this person is looking for. For example, if this person asked if you can cook the tuna burger well done and wants to know if you have onion rings, tell them you do not like the brussel sprout salad. If they are wearing skinny jeans and something totally vintage tell them you love the brussel sprout salad...because it's totally organic.
Option 2: Come on you smart people out there...what do I like? Um, the filet tacos are amazing because they are...what the most expensive thing on the menu? What?

So, remember us servers might look nice, but we are not to be trusted.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm A Closet Redneck

Alright I'll come clean, I sort of love country music. There's just something about it that makes me feel all sorts of emotions. Honestly, it makes me want to buy a pick-up truck, move down south, enlist in the army, find a good cowboy and lay in the grass while the sun sets. It's fantastic. And I'll even admit I've seen more country concerts than "normal" shows. Yeah, it's all coming out tonight. I've even seen Tim McGraw three times. Who sees Tim McGraw three times and likes it? This gun carrying redneck wannabe - that's who.

However, as much as my love runs deep for country music I also have my limits when it comes to this sometimes ridiculous genre. Take for example this current hit "My Girlfriend Likes To Fish" by Craig Cambell, I heard on the radio the other day:

If you don't want to watch the video you can just read these lyrics:

The first time we did it I was scared to death
She snuck out in that cotton dress
Jumped on in and we drove to the lake
Put her hand on my knee and said I can’t wait
I had everything we needed in the bed of my truck
Turns out my baby loves to…

Fish, she wants to do it all the time
Early in the morning, in the middle of the night
She’s hooked and now she can’t get enough
Man, that girl sure loves to fish

After that, that’s all she wanted to do
But that was okay ’cause I did too
She always wants to go down by the dam
And I love how she looks with that rod in her hand
If they ain’t bitin’ she don’t give up
Turns out my baby loves to…

Fish, she wants to do it all the time
Early in the morning, in the middle of the night
She’s hooked and now she can’t get enough
Man, that girl sure loves to fish

A song about fishing? A song about your girlfriend liking to fish? Are we serious? How can I defend this song to my husband and friends when they make fun of me for my closet love of country music? What's next - a song about how your girlfriend is actually your cousin and you both love making moonshine while watching NASCAR? Work with me country music.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Giving Things Away

So, today I had to serve this rather annoying chick on the patio. How annoying? Well, she was one of those people, that when I picked up her empty plates and asked, not really intending a real answer, "How was everything?" she replied, "Well, I loved the bacon, but I didn't totally enjoy the eggs, and the rice and beans didn't seem fully cooked." Thanks food critic because I really wanted a rundown of your breakfast.

Anyway, after a lengthy complaint about the lack of internet, she paid her bill and I went inside to clean some tables. As I looked out the window, I saw her take our water bottle, which is sort of this cool slender glass bottle, and place it in her bag and prepare to leave. Immediately, I walked outside and stopped her from leaving. As I approached her, I asked, "Did you take our water bottle?" (This time intending a real answer.) And she replied, "Um, yeah isn't that okay?" (Yeah, because all restaurants allow you to take home plates, forks and glasses after your meal.) And I said, "Not really," and she said, while handing me the bottle, "Oh, because last time I was here they just gave me the bottle." To which I responded with, "That's just weird," but what I really meant was: Gave you the bottle? Really? Do you also go to Macy's and they just "give you" clothes? Or do you find yourself at Target trying to stop all the employees from "giving you" merchandise?

Honestly, people are so weird. I hope she comes back in so I can take her laptop. I mean, I hope she comes back in so she can "give" me her laptop.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

D-List Celebrities

Typically, I play it pretty cool when celebrities come into the restaurant, but today I just couldn't help myself. When I was five years old I used to come home from kindergarten, saddle up to a warm bowl of mac n' cheese and, along with my sister and mom, watch this beautiful man (see picture below) play Brad on Young and the Restless. (Yes, my mom is and was a parenting genius.) So, you can imagine my surprise and excitement when I went out to the patio and found my long lost gardener/president of Jabot Cosmetics (sure, he slept his way to the top, but look at him...) waiting for me to take his order.
After a few seconds of restaurant and menu talk, I decided to strike up a conversation. However, things got a little weird.

Kate: "So, you probably don't want to hear this, but I sort of grew up watching you."

Brad/Don: "Why do you think that would bother me? Because of my diminishing age?"

Kate: (Slight swoon) "Oh, no. It's just that I was so excited when I saw you before that I told my mom and she became really excited to hear I had seen you..."

Brad/Don: (Cuts me off mid-sentence) "Do you want to take a picture?"

Kate: "Um. No, I mean, sure. Well, I don't have a phone on me."

Brad/Don: "Well find one."

Kate: "No it's cool."

Brad/Don: "Well let's take a picture if you find a phone."

Kate: (Sort of getting creeped out.)

Twenty minutes goes by, Brad/Don has finished his breakfast, Kate is clearing table.

Brad/Don: "Did you find a phone?"

Kate: "Um, yeah, let me go get it."

Kate goes into restaurant, finds her manager and asks to borrow his phone so she can take a picture with some soap star. Manager confused, but gives her his phone.

The following picture is taken:
Lesson learned from this experience: Continue to play it cool with celebrities...especially with the D-List celebrities.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

NOT GUILTY

You know what all these people have in common?



They were all found "not guilty."

Yep, no biking ticket for me. Mess with the bull...and you get my lawyer husband.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Look at My College Degree At Work

For the past couple of days fellow alumni of mine from Duke have been coming to the restaurant to dine. I'll admit, these aren't my favorite encounters. There's just something slightly demoralizing about reconnecting with one of your old classmates as you wear an apron and ask if they want coleslaw or fries with their cheeseburger. However, the thing I hate the most is the unspoken conclusions I imagine my friends are coming to as they see me bus tables and run food. Like: "Oh Kate, didn't seem like the type to get knocked up after school, give the baby up for adoption, fall into heroine and now, 10 years later, getting her life back together as a lowly waitress." Or "Hmmm...waitress? Yeah, I could see that. She always seemed like the lowest paying job type of person." Honestly, I can see it in their faces.

So, what do I do? Well, after loathing our chance meeting, I find myself saying absolutely ridiculous things. Like today, after encountering a guy, who's roommate I dated for a semester, I said, and mind you this was completely out of context, "Oh, and just so you know this is a total part time gig. My husband has a really high paying job as an attorney." Really - did that just come out? Or a few weeks ago, a past basketball player at Duke, who never actually graduated or attended a single class and who makes more money than I'll see in my lifetime, came in, and I said, "I just picked up this shift to help out my friend. I actually work from home." Work from home?! Doing what - professional checker of Facebook? I'm a total fraud!

Oh well, at least I get the sympathy tip.

Monday, September 26, 2011

One Swing At the Clown

After four straight days of golf I find myself with one complaint: This is not a sport that allows or accepts natural reactions. For example, throughout my athletic career I was always allowed to express my frustration and anger while playing the sport. If I was playing lacrosse it was completely acceptable for me to run down my opponent, wildly check at their body and cause mild bodily harm. If I was playing basketball no one cared if I flagrantly fouled a chick as she drove the ball down the paint. And if I was playing tennis no one really minded if I launched a ball over the fence.

Now with golf - it's a completely different story. Hit a bad drive and all you've got is a head down in shame, a rough grabbing of your tee and crestfallen walk back to the cart. Does this help you feel better about slicing your ball into the water? Absolutely not. Try chunking a ball 100 yards away from the green. All I find I can do is yell incoherent noises at the ground while I angrily stamp my chunk of grass back into the fairway. Again, this does nothing to relieve my frustration.

So, here's what I suggest. As soon as you hit a bad drive you are given one swing at a clown, who stands there watching and waiting for you to release your pent up anger about your crappy shot. Why a clown? Because everyone out on the golf course seems to be having a great time, and as you watch your ball disappear into a ravine, the only thing that's going to make it better is if one other person isn't smiling. My second suggestion is to allow more throwing of clubs. I really think this could go a long way. (pun intended) Honestly, let's say in the game of golf you get one traditional score and one score based on how far you are able to launch your club down the fairway, or how close you can fling your putter to the cart. Can you imagine how fun this would be? It would be like golf meets javelin throwing.

And lastly, may I suggest a little less Masters and little more Happy Gilmore. Honestly, the lack of celebration in golf is killing me. When I scored a goal in lacrosse we used jump up and down screaming in a pack. Now when I hit a long put in golf I just nonchalantly walk over to the cup and retrieve my ball. No one likes this...especially me. Instead, I wish it was acceptable to ride your putter like a horse around the green, shouting, "Whoop, there it is!" as you swing your visor around like a cowboy hat. Or if you hit a great drive I wish it was totally cool to slide into the grass as your golfing buddy slid next to you and raised arms in victory. Honestly, I need something because this game is way too buttoned up for me.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Accidents and Idiots

A few hours ago the husband and I returned from a golf trip to St. George, Utah. As we were approaching the 10 from I-15, we were stopped by an accident. Being that we live in an area with a very high concentration of traffic, accidents on the highway are, unfortunately, a frequent occurrence. However frequent these accidents are, I will never understand three things: 1. Why idiots, who drive these incredibly busy highways every day, still continue to be complete morons and cause these accidents? Two, why, why, why can't someone invent a machine that pulls up all the cars involved in the accident and MOVE THEM to the side of the road? Instead, we get to sit in three hours of traffic while Hector from West Covina argues with Malibu Mom about his broken bumper in the middle lane.

And lastly, why must you morons, who were not involved in the accident, drive five miles an hour as you pass by the scene of carnage? Are you hoping to see a dead body? Are you thinking in that ten second drive by you will be able to assess the situation and testify later, when of course you are called for your testimony, as to who was at fault and who was not? Or are you trying to find the idiot, who caused the accident, so you can add one more look of disapproval to their already stellar day? (Because that's what I'm trying to do.)

Honestly, all of you who faithfully read this blog, promise me, if you come across an accident, that is being fully taken care of, press on your accelerator and fight the urge to look. You'll be a better person for it...unless you find the idiot who was texting and caused the whole thing. Then find him, stare him down and shake your head in disappointment.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

And the Bed Making War Begins

Last night I complained to the husband about his lack of bed making skills. I informed him, that as the last person to get up, it was his responsibility to make the bed. I came home today from work and found the following...
On the phone he informed me that he made his part and that I'm the one lacking in my own bed making skills. Damn lawyers and their technicalities.

Monday, September 12, 2011

My Angry Egg

For the past couple of weeks I've been watching the U.S. Open which has caused me to reflect on my own short tennis career when I was a young girl. Many of you might not know this, but at 12 years old I was ranked #1 in Delaware for girls 12 and under AND #1 for girls 14 and under. Now, before you ask why I'm not currently playing on the tour, let me explain a few things. One, there were three of us under 12, who played tournaments, and there were like two other kids under 14. So, if you won a tournament or happened to beat 2 of the random kids under 14, you got to be the reigning champ of Delaware. Yeah, I said Delaware. So, that's what I did.

Second of all, I really should have been tested for some type of growth hormone or steroid use. You see, at 12 years old I was basically a grown woman. Honestly, I think since that age I've gained about ten pounds and grew about 2 inches. So, again the vast competitors of Delaware had no chance against my freak of nature strength and size. (As did the poor boys I attempted to have crushes on in middle school. To this day, I think most of them held my hand due to sheer fear.)

Anyway, outside of this horrible attempt at a humble brag, my experience with tennis growing up was pretty funny. There was one chick, who looked like an angry egg, I always had to play in the finals of every freaking tournament. Honestly, in my memory she's just this round and unemotional blob. She would never say anything except grunt an occasional "out" when she needed a point, and when I fought her to prove it, she would attempt to shrug, but being that she was a rounded egg, shrugging was difficult, so after a few minutes of me ranting she somehow would just move on to the next point without really resolving anything. Eventually, I stop fighting her bad calls. I mean, watching that attempt to show emotion through her shoulders was just too much for me at that age.

The other ridiculous part of this chick was the fact that her entire family used to come out and see her play. I remember they would bring coolers and umbrellas and fill up an entire bleacher. On the other hand, I never let my family come see me play. I guess I sort of knew in my heart that my "matches" were really just glorified ping pong games, and I loved my parents too much to submit them to endless hours of boring rallies. Man, I hated that family of angry eggs. I remember one time after hitting a pretty decent shot, I said out loud, "You got this Kate," to which they replied, "No you don't Kate." Who uses a 12 year old's name to talk trash at a junior tennis tournament? I'll tell you who - the angry eggs.

Well, I wish I could tell you that after my #1 reign I continued with tennis, but unfortunately, at 13, scarred from Monica Seles's stabbing, I decided to give up tennis and start playing team sports. My only regret is that I wasn't able to ever see the angry egg crack and show some emotion. I sometimes think of her and wonder what she is doing. I wonder if she drives around my neighborhood and writes tickets all day. They seem to have no emotion. Or I wonder if she euthanizes animals because that would definitely require no feelings. Or maybe she works in security at LAX and is the one that sits poker face in front of the x-ray machine as your bags go by. Again, another job that her lack of emotions would be great for.

Anyway, if you are out there, angry egg, give me a grunt and let's play another never ending game...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

It Was The Car's Fault


The other day I walked out and found that someone had deliberately thrown a milkshake onto my car. As I stood there studying the ice cream, that was now crusted over my windshield wipers and headlights, I wondered what had possessed someone to commit such vandalism. Was it just a case of jealousy of my 2003 Honda Accord, that sports scratches from multiple keys along the sides of the car, a busted front bumper and the classic splattering of bird feces on the roof? Was my car just in the wrong place when someone went from enjoying a nice milkshake to learning their boyfriend has been cheating on them with their best friend and everyone knew it but them, and they just found out through a mistaken text that was sent from her boyfriend? Or did my last European customers, who pretended not to speak English, really understood me when I said, "I wish all of you a safe a happy trip home as your plane crashes into the Atlantic?" after I found out they weren't going to tip me? So many possibilities...who can know?

So, 2003 Honda Accord owners beware. You aren't just driving a fuel efficient car, you are driving a dangerous and anger provoking machine.

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Grocery Store: A Place of Food, Idiocy and Cat Camping

Waiting in line at the grocery store is an interesting experience. First, and I don't know about your local grocery store, but mine is staffed by three people and there is always twenty people at each line. So, already it's an awesome experience.

Secondly, I don't think people fully understand the "express lane." I'm not even sure they can count or understand the word express. I swear, every time I'm just buying milk some genius in front of me has 26 items and has decided to pay with a check. All I can do is give them a cold stare as they look at me, as they attempt to place their over the limit items on the smaller conveyer belt, and say with their eyes, "Oh, I know what you are thinking, but these twenty tomatoes actually count as 1 item, so I'm technically okay." Really? Because when we get out to the parking lot, I'm going to take my 1 car and quickly, no in an express manner, into your 2 legs.

Lastly, what is the deal with what people buy at the grocery store. Today a guy in front of me bought kitty litter, a pineapple, soda, waffles and beef jerky. Is this guy taking a cat camping? Or is he in the middle of a random quickfire challenge on Top Chef? Too hard to tell.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Flashbacks

My junior year in college I lived in a house with eleven of my teammates. Yep, you read that right - 11. This house exuded craziness. How crazy? Well, try these on:

1. After a week straight of partying, to kick off the new year, of course, a few cops stopped by to regulate the madness. After a short conversation, one of the cops got the number of my roommate (who he started dating) and the other cop started to party with everyone. From that point on we had constant back up and no reports of disturbances were ever responded to.

2. Another roommate of mine decided each night she was drunk she would steal something. Consequently, by Christmas break we had a deck full of bar stools, rocking chairs from our neighbors, signs and plants.

3. At least once a week a night of fun turned into a night of "gooning out." For those of you not blessed with the opportunity to go to school with meat heads, "gooning out" entails getting blitzed and then destroying everything in sight. Therefore, each week we had either a bench (that had been stolen the week before) thrown through our door, a couch thrown out onto the road or a window just bashed in. There's nothing more fun that hearing the sound of broken glass and then the yell from a barbarian. Man, I miss college.

Okay, enough down memory lane. The reason I bring up these memories is because I thought, at 32, living in an apartment with my husband would be much simpler than it was in college, but I was wrong. For the past week I feel like I've been trapped in a bad time warp.

For example, on Monday some idiot, at 2 in the morning, started throwing glass bottles onto the road outside my apartment. Now as if this wasn't bad enough, I then got to hear cars go over the glass, stop, yell at the guy to stop, him yell back and then more glass thrown. (Now that I think about it, I wonder if I went to college with this guy. It's just so hard to cut the gooning habit.)

On Tuesday, and I'm not kidding, some lady was heard screaming, "Help, Help!" in an alley just outside my apartment. We then all got to sit in our beds and listen to her run, scream some more for help and then go silent. To be honest, after being awoken the second night in a row, I don't know what bothered me more, her being potentially killed outside my apartment, or the fact that some neighbor across the street kept yelling, "Are you there? I called the cops. Are you there? Hello." Lady, no one answered. Not our chair, not our problem.

And lastly, after being awoken up by some muscle car that just couldn't turn over (thank heavens the person tried ten times) I heard the familiar laughter and stumbling of a drunk chick outside my apartment. I listened to them for awhile and prayed they would move on, but it continued. Finally, I got out of bed and looked through the window just in time to see one of them attempting to go number uno in our bushes. That was it. Immediately, I went into college Kate mode (this means I either call the cops on my own house, or head out to the situation to yell at anyone I can find) - I chose the latter. So, there I was, old Duke t-shirt, pajama pants and hair everywhere, ready to fight, but as I rounded the corner to our lobby I found three drunk chicks, one clueless guy and a naked girl. Yeah, a naked girl. All of them looked at me, and immediately said, "Oh sorry, it's a batchelorette party and she, pointing to the naked one, had to go swimming in the ocean." I was completely dumbfounded. So, all I said was, "Oh, congrats. Well, night." Night? Congrats? Have I really been out of college that long that I couldn't come up with at least a decent lecture or raised voice? How about a disapproving face? Nothing. All those years of training and now look at me. Pathetic.

*The picture is what I should have done.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Be Honest

(The coordinated ones. I usually surround myself with them. It's part of my contract.)

A few weeks ago I was Utah running a lacrosse camp. After almost 16 years of running sport camps I find that I have mixed emotions about them. One, I think it's great that kids go to camp. I mean, if kids don't go, I don't get paid...I mean, kids don't learn and get better. And yet, two, I just wish there was a screening process prior to sport camps. You know a little agility course they have to complete in a certain amount of time. Or they have to send in a tape of them running and then we can determine if there is any athletic ability at all. You know, something. Because honestly, this floodgate of minivans packed with overpaid sticks, cleats, clothes and uncoordinated children has got to be curbed.

For example, after the first day of lacrosse camp I surveyed my motley crew of campers and this is what I found:

  • 3 Girls wearing deeply chaffing jean shorts with soccer cleats and Justin Bieber T-Shirts. 3. Yes, 3 different sets of parents allowed this attire for camp. Not acceptable.
  • 5 Girls never put their hair up in a ponytail, but awkwardly ran around the field with unkempt manes. I'm sorry, you are not an athlete if you think running around like Pocahontas is a good idea.
  • 2 Girls were forced to sit out for the afternoon because they had hurt themselves during lunch while they were playing "catch." (They were throwing to each other. That means one got hit in the face, cried about it and then hit her friend in the face.) Not acceptable.
And finally...
  • 1 girl was riding her lacrosse stick around the field like a broomstick. (Hey Hermione, Gryffindor called and wanted to know when you were headed back to Hogsworth.) (So, outed myself just then.)
Anyway, as I always say after running lacrosse camps: Parents, please, please take a good look at that kid of yours. Be honest. Be brutally honest. Are they coordinated? Are they wearing jean shorts? Should they be at a camp involving balls? Answer these and save us all some time.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

I Don't Get Paid Enough

Do people even check this anymore?

Well, after two years plus of serving at a restaurant I thought I had seen it all...and then Thursday morning took place. If you are eating please stop. If you have a delicate stomach stop reading. Okay let's continue.

At 8:30 in the morning, there were two individuals sitting on the patio of our restaurant. After refilling my customer's coffee I turned the corner of the patio to check on my co-worker's customer. As I approached her table I noticed she had placed her credit card in the server book to be run. Now, let me state that this woman was on the phone and had her back to me. As I approached her table I began to ask, "Would you like me to run this card for you?" At the exact moment I was reaching for the book, this lady lifted up her derriere and proceeded to loudly fart on me. Now, words cannot adequately express the horror I felt as our eyes locked while she released her morning gas all over me. (It was like looking into the face of the Devil. You want to run, but your body just won't work.)

After a few awkward seconds, I regained the control of my body and ran for the door of the restaurant. Once inside, I tried to find acid, lighter fluid, gasoline - anything that I could use to burn my throat and eyes. I could NOT believe some lady, that looked like my dear mother, had lifted up her butt cheek and farted on me! Now, I've cleaned up mashed bananas underneath a table, I've pulled hair out of food and I've reached into the trash of discarded food to save a spoon, but this...this...this was on another level.

So, what have I learned from this experience? 1. Always make myself known in all situations. I might even start screaming, "Hey, coming around the corner. Hold in all
anal acoustics* and other bodily disasters until I've passed." 2. Try to block out my co-workers' responses. One said, "I mean, that's okay at home or in your car, but not at a public restaurant." Okay? No, that's not okay. Or this one: "I mean, I do it in here (meaning the restaurant) but it's loud with music." (Mind you, I don't walk behind this person anymore.) and 3. If I hear a funny noise on the phone I'm no longer believing when the other person says, "Oh, that was weird, my phone just made a weird noise." Right. Who farts while on the phone?

Again, so glad my college degree from Duke is going to good use.

* I found that description at: http://www.heptune.com/fartword.html

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What? I'm Dehydrated.

I find when I'm really tired towards the end of my shift at work I start making really, I mean really, bad jokes. Here's a few I've made in the past few days. You tell me if I deserved a tip:

Situation 1:
I'm clearing the table of four people. As I get to the Asian man's plate of tacos I say, "Well, I can tell you didn't like this." (This is one of the jokes I say at the end of meals to get a cheap laugh, and what also makes me silently hate myself.) Anyway, the plate was virtually clear except for a few pieces of rice. So, he responded with, "Well, I didn't finish my rice but the rest was very good." And I said, "Oh yeah rice, you have probably never had this food. I'm sure it must be exciting trying it." So folks did the racial slur deserve a tip?

Situation 2:
Guy sits down and seems like he's in a bad mood. I say, "Well, how are you doing today?" He grumbles out, "Well, I just got my prostate checked." And I say, without thinking, "Do you want a second opinion?" Belittling a possible cancer victim? How much on that tip?

Situation 3:
Four old people sit down for lunch. After I shout out my welcome, three of them order alcohol. As the fourth one tells me he doesn't want anything to drink I say, "So are you the driver for these drunks?" Immediately, all the hearing aids go off and the woman, who ordered a beer, says, "You think I look drunk?" (So hard to resist.) And I say, "I saw you walking in and it looked like you were about to fall." Ah yes, insulting the old. Definitely worth the lack of tip.

What can I say, when I'm dehydrated all sensors get turned off.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Grossly Under Qualified

As I mentioned before I'm in charge of a youth camp for my church. And as I mentioned before, I am grossly under qualified for this job. I mean, let's break this down. This is a religious focused camp, where singing of cheezy camp songs are encouraged, crafts are demanded and gobs and gobs of food are provided. Okay I'll take the food, and there are days I would call myself "religious," but all mixed together in the woods just isn't me. Honestly, as I've been planning this I keep thinking, "(yes, I think in quotations) Me? Really?"

The other night my "fish out of water" mentality came blaring out as I sat at a table with five other women, who are planning another camp at our same campsite. We had met to coordinate...blah, blah - and in the course of talking about our themes and individual camps the following conversation took place:

Old Lady: "So, we are going to try to do away with pranks this year. For the past two years things have really gotten out of control."

Kate: (Ears perk up for some stories)

Old Lady #2: "Yes, two years ago was awful. One of the girls found a bra of a leader and put it up the flag pole."

Kate: (While laughing out loud) "That's funny."

Old Lady #1: (While Kate is laughing) "That's not funny."

Kate: "Yes, that's what I meant. NOT funny."

Old Lady #1 and #2: (Disapproving looks)

After that exchange I thought, "(yep, more quotations) Well, things can't get worse." And then Old Lady #1 said, while looking at me, "And please don't let the girls drive the golf carts." I may or may not have commandeered a golf cart last year and allowed my 12 year olds to drive it.

See? Why me?

Monday, July 18, 2011

This Is The Group

Well isn't this embarrassing. Almost a month and nothing. Well it's been a rather busy month - so for the next week you'll be reading (because I still believe there are two or three people out there who still read this stupid thing) random thoughts and ideas I've written down to blog about on my phone. (Yes, I keep a memo entitled "Blog Ideas" - folks, this magic doesn't just happen on a whim.)

Monday's Random Thought:
So, last week the significant other and I traveled to South Carolina for a little family vacation. After a dreadful red eye - I say "dreadful" because the hubby decided to take nyquil before the flight. Now, this would have been a good idea, but he decided to take the mind numbing drug right after dinner, which was two hours before our flight. Therefore, I got the fun experience of dragging our bags through bag check and nudging him to stay awake. The good news was everything was funny to him - I mean everything - my face, me dragging bags, entering the airport, dogs in suitcases...everything - AND he slept like a dead person the whole way there. Me? I did the head bob for an hour and ended up watching some Tyler Perry movie. (Why can't we all have a large man/woman in our lives to solve our problems?)

Anyway, after our red eye we had a four hour layover in Atlanta. While I was waiting for our plane I surveyed the crowd, who were also waiting for our flight, and had this random thought: So this is the group. This is the group I'll have a near death experience with. This is the group I'll land on a deserted island with and build shacks out of leaves and pieces of our plane. I'll befriend the fat man with the Eagles' jersey because we are both from Philly and long to go home. This is the group who will fight over the small amount of food left in the morning, and who will somehow become friends again at night as things slow down and music plays. This is the group who will try to build boats to freedom and deliver the baby of the girl sitting next to me. This is the group who will become my family as people search for Delta flight 702. This is the group.

Honestly, since watching Lost I have this thought every time I fly. Some flights I'm sort of excited (I once flew with a men's soccer team from Colorado) and other times I'm a little worried/disappointed (like my flight from LA to Boise which carried a fanatical group of Disney lovers - Disney lovers are not going to be able to fight the black smoke.)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

We Were Robbed

A few weeks back, I was involved in organizing a Speech Festival for the youth of my church - which basically entailed about 40 kids writing their own talks, giving them and then being judged on their content and delivery. Now in theory I'm sure this seemed like a great idea. However, I was put in charge of 6 kids, who I wouldn't describe as little Anthony Robbins...heck, these kids' stage presence made Kristen Stewart, of the fascinating books Twilight, seem incredibly engaging and gregarious. But, I was given the task and so we pressed forward.

Over the course of a few weeks I took the most awkward one of the bunch and became determined that she would be the victor of our 6 and go on to the main Speech Festival...which she did. (High fives around). Now, before I go on, let me just describe my sweet Autumn. She is shy beyond description. Before giving this talk I'm not sure I ever heard her speak more than two sentences at a time, and yet, she somehow nailed it. So, fast forward two weeks, Autumn, after being coaxed and bribed, was sent to the main Speech Festival to compete against six other churches' winners to determine the ultimate speech giver...and to win 2 free movie tickets!

Now, Autumn is not my child and I'm not even a mom, but I'll admit I sort of got into "Mom Mode" watching this speech festival. For example, and I'm not sure moms actually do this, or even admit to doing it, but I truly wanted to see all the other kids fail. I mean truly fail. Every time a kid stuttered, forgot a line from their talk or made an awkward statement I found myself thinking, "Alright, this one sucks - we totally got this."

Secondly, when Autumn got up to speak I felt like one of those crazy moms from the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras. (See picture up top. Yeah, that would be wire cones on her little girl.) Honestly, if you could have seen me, I was almost mouthing the words and smiling in that way that says, "If you make eye contact with me, I'm trying to tell you to smile bigger." It wasn't pretty.

And lastly, I'll admit I sort of behaved poorly as we were waiting for the verdict. I, may or may not have, told some of the judges Autumn's background and how winning this could help her conquer her shyness, and the fact that she is waiting for a kidney transplant. (She doesn't actually need a kidney, but I thought it painted a courageous picture.)

Unfortunately, at the end Autumn was robbed. She did manage to take down Barack Obama Jr. and hippie happy 17 year old from Malibu, but second place was where she stood....and I, may or may not, have said rather loud, "We were robbed," over and over again when the winner was announced.

So, what did I get from this experience? Well, one you can conquer fears. Two, we have some great youth coming up as the next generation. And three, I think I'm going to be that annoying Mom on the sidelines,who runs up and down screaming, "Billy get the ball! Get the ball! You got it! Score! He scored! That's my kid! That's my kid! That's my...oh geez.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Write With Some Pride

The restaurant I work at serves three groups of people: 1. Moms and their children 2. People in the business and 3. People, who come in at 8 with their laptops and write the next great screenplay until 4. I enjoy the last group for two reasons. (Yes, I'm going to keep listing things.) One, they are always game to talk because, heaven knows, they aren't possibly getting anything done as they suck down their fifteenth free cup of coffee and hide from my nasty stare for taking up a table in my section. And two, I love their answers to my favorite question: "So, what are you writing?" For example, I was once told by an individual, who comes in EVERY DAY, that he's writing the next Sex In the City for men. Why do I love this answer? Because if you could picture anyone more unsuited to write about sexual conquests and adventures in any city on the planet this would be your guy. I really think instructional manuals on microwaves could be more of this guy's expertise.

Another person once told me that he was writing a comedy. Now, again like our Mr. Carrie Bradshaw, this guy writing a comedy just didn't fit. For one, I've never seen him smile. I don't even know how this guy chews because I've never seen his teeth. I wanted to follow-up his answer with the question, "Does your comedy include torturing kittens and beating children?"

And lastly, my favorite answer came today. For the past couple of weeks a writing team has been camping out at our restaurant furiously typing away on a laptop. I decided to finally ask them what they were writing, and they replied they were writing a romantic comedy. Now, I'll admit I'm sort of a fan of this genre and they both struck me as rather normal people, so I then asked, "Have you guys written anything before? and they replied with a meek voice, "Um, we wrote The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez." I think I loved this reply the most because there was absolutely no pride in their admitting they wrote The Wedding Planner, and as I continued to maintain eye contact, they both put their heads down in shame and said (and I quote as they pointed to their laptops) "But, this one won't be like that."

I know, I know what you are thinking: Why the shame in such a cinematic masterpiece? Why didn't they hold their heads up high and ask, "Did you see them getting together at the end? How about him leaving his own wedding to get her? HIS OWN WEDDING??!! We are freaking geniuses!" Instead, there was just apologies.

Come on you laptop campers, write with some dignity. Write what you know. Write stuff we want to see...and tip your waitress, she's trying to make a living too.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I Had A Day Off Today

That's Enough

After watching The Bachelorette on Monday night I came to one conclusion: People from Utah, because everyone assumes they're Mormon, and real Mormons, must stop going on reality TV shows. Honestly, as a practicing Mormon, I beg these idiots to stop and think about how their actions cause serious consequences for the rest of us. For example, do you remember Julie from MTV's Real World: New Orleans? Now, I'm taught at church to love all God's creatures, but she was one of the worst individuals I've ever come across. During the first episode Julie started to hysterically cry because her black roommate was the first person of another race she had ever interacted with. As she sat there crying, my college roommate turned to me and asked, "So, Mormons are all white? And you guys aren't allowed to 'interact' with black people?" Thanks Julie for that stupid conversation.

And now we have Bentley Williams of The Bachelorette behaving like a complete (insert something about a bag here.) Just for fun, I decided to Google Mr. Williams and you know what I found? Several articles discussing two things: 1. What an unbelievable jerk this guy is and 2. Yep, you guessed it, the fact that he's a Mormon.

So, listen up you Mormons out there, find another hobby. Keep eating in your living rooms (about 15 Mormons have been on The Biggest Loser), keep dancing in your basements (another five or so have been on dancing reality shows) and stop being totally crazy on TV.

Oh, and if you are Ken Jennings, the guy who holds the record for the longest winning streak on Jeopardy!, feel free to go on TV. Honestly, during those 75 episodes I really thought we were finally erasing the damage done by so many idiots.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

20 Cents To Lose

After working at a restaurant for two years, I've come to hate three things. One, I hate stupid parents. You know who you are. You are the ones who come in with two or more kids and decide, that since you are leaving a six dollar tip, it's okay to absolutely destroy the place...and then leave. Did you know that when your kid throws his food on the ground someone (me) actually has to clean that up? Or did you know that a napkin used to clean up snot, spilled milk and whatever else you decide to leave behind actually has to be touched by someone (me)? Honestly, I get it. I'm not a parent, but even I know it's not okay to watch your child throw his drink on the ground, and then say to your server (me), "Um, you missed a spot of milk over there."

TWO, I hate the "menu changers." Again, you know who you are. You are the ones who see that we have turkey, tomatoes and tofu on our menu and decide to create your own sandwich out of those ingredients. Hey, guest judge this isn't a quickfire challenge on Top Chef - order from the menu!

And THREE, more than anything else, I hate foreigners. If I hear an accent my attitude instantly goes from, Curly McLain singing "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" to Michael Jackson singing "Beat It." Why all the anger? Well, for one they never, ever, never order from the menu. It's always do you have...(insert their homeland food.) Second, there are the most demanding little foreign friends. First they want an espresso, but then that's too hot, now they want some cold milk, oh but the milk is too cold, please heat it up. (Mind you, our restaurant is quite long, and all these requests add up to fifty yards each way.)

And lastly, after all the accommodations and running around they don't leave a tip. It absolutely drives me nuts. So, finally last Thursday I snapped. After watching a particular foreign couple come in three days in a row, and three days in a row screw my co-worker, I decided this needed to stop. So, the following took place:

Kate: (While handing them the check) So have you guys been to America before?

Foreigners: (While sipping on their third espresso and just right milk) Um, yes wes love ze country. Wez been here a many times.

Kate: Oh, wow like how many times?

Foreigners: Let me see. We been to, uh, New York and Miami and to California many times.

Kate: Wow. So, do you understand the tipping policies of America?

Foreigners: Yes, we have been leaving zomething.

Kate: Not really. You see today your bill is 28 dollars so you can tip anything from $4.50 to $6.00. You have been leaving 20 cents or 17 cents. (Their tips from the previous days.) That is not 15%, which is the typical practice in America.

Foreigners: We did not sthink it applied to breakfast.

Kate: Well, anytime someone comes to your table to serve you - then you may tip them. Do you understand?

Foreigners: (starting to forget English) Um, oui.

And the tip was?...$4.00. Figured I only had 20 cents to lose.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Satan's Game

So, in a few weeks the husband and I will be traveling to South Carolina to celebrate my Dad's 70th birthday. While there, we plan on laying at the beach, eating ridiculous amounts of food, playing a little tennis and, if I'm ready, playing golf. Now, for those of you, who haven't had the opportunity of being tortured and belittled by a small dimpled ball, let me tell you a little secret - golf sucks. It sucks bad. It makes you question every coordinated day you've ever had in your life. It makes you wonder if anyone is up there in heaven or if Satan is really in control - and just to show his control he makes people play golf. It's such a hard sport, that even me, a rather strong willed woman, can sort of look past Tiger Woods' transgressions because he is able to hit this small ball into a hole. Honestly, people, his man can't be all bad.

So, why do I attempt to play this sport? One, because I once hit a hole in one and that's just too bad A to not continue. Two, people say you can play this sport until you die. (Sure, I think this sport will actually kill you, but we'll see.) And three, because after chunking 100 shots, slicing the other twenty and missing too many puts to count, you hit one forsaken good shot and you think, "This sport isn't all bad."*

So, wish me luck - I've got four weeks to master this game. And just so you know, if my golf lessons don't start producing some results I'm going the pre-Thanksgiving/scandal Tiger route. Don't judge, it's not love, it's just about being a better golfer.

*Lies, lies, lies.

Monday, May 30, 2011

My Memorial Day

What does Memorial Day mean to you? Is it about the selfless men and women who gave their lives to protect our country? Is it a day to barbecue, drink or drive to Santa Monica so you can overrun a beach that is already packed with foreigners and tourists? Or is it a day to visit cemeteries and remember those past generations?

Well, for me, Memorial Day will always hold the special memory I was given by a rather loveable customer today. No, he didn't give me a minature flag and say, "God Bless America." Instead, while balancing six tables' orders, he said, "Kate, come on be honest, do you have something to tell me?" I, thinking I had forgotten to thank him for his service in the Korean war, was about to say, "Oh yeah, thanks for beating down those Koreans. We wouldn't be the same without it," when he interrupted my thoughts and said, "You know, because you look really fat."

Now, granted this came from a man who smells like Irish Spring soap and someone who has been dead for two weeks, but I'll admit it, it sort of ticked me off. I mean, it's a holiday. Save that stuff for the middle of the week.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Clydesdale and the Shetland Pony

This weekend The Man and I traveled to St. Jorge for a little family time andddd...to see two young men participate in a Triathlon. Here's a few pictures of the event.

I begin with this picture because I love The Man's uniform pre-event. It doesn't matter if he's running a marathon, biking a century or doing a Triathlon - jeans are always his choice of attire to enter the ring. I really think Levi should think about expanding its clothing lines into warm-ups suits for professional athletes.
Can you feel the tension? The male torpedo is just about to enter the water.
Once the male torpedo was off, The Man's bro (or The Clydesdale as we like to call him) got in line to enter the water. Unlike The Man's two layers of wet suit, rash guard and biking shorts, The Clydesdale entered the "widow maker," or the swim, a "little less clothed."


To the left The Clydesdale finishing the swim, to the right The Man coming in from the 20.5 mile ride and...












behind the camera one woman going insane with this kid rattling a cow bell for 45 minutes straight. (Yeah, I took her picture.)






After a mile swim, a 20.5 mile bike ride and a 6.5 mile run the Triathlon was over.













There are no words to accurately describe this.


Monday, May 16, 2011

$20.00 For A Baby?

So, as we know I've been trying to get pregnant. However, my constant judging of other people's babies, my tendency to swear and the occasional stealing from work has, in my opinion, probably impeded the process. So, today I decided to summon the karma gods and finally do something right. (I realize my alternative motive probably negated my effort, but I still tried.)

Anyway, there's a guy that comes in often, who I would describe as surprisingly grumpy and rather cheap. Last week after he left, I went to clean his table and found a 20 dollar bill left on the ground. Now, after two years of serving this cheap s.o.b., I knew this wasn't a forgotten tip. So, I pocketed the twenty and wrestled with myself for the next few days on what to do.

Finally, judgement day came. As I went to get his orange juice and bran muffin, I heard the devil say, "Kate, twenty dollars could buy a dram of fertility drugs. Don't do it." And then the angel, on the other shoulder obviously, said, "Kate, give him the twenty and that baby is as good as yours." What can I say, Momma's desperate.

But here's the thing...okay, I told him about losing the twenty and how I felt like he should have it back, but the guy didn't even say thanks. He took the twenty. Just took it. No reward for being honest. No high five for "The Server of the Year." Nothing. ANNNDD...the guy still have me a crappy tip.

So, what did I learn from this? One, like The Steve Miller Band says, "Take the Money and Run." Two, karma can't be bought off with $20.00. And three, I think I need to come up with other strategies to get a baby - this approach is costing me way too much.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I Don't Sound 32?

Tonight a representative from the LA Times called me to see if I would be interested in getting a subscription to the newspaper. At the time of the call I was making dinner, which consisted of a bowl of cereal, and wasn't fully speaking into the phone. Consequently, the caller asked to speak to my parents. This statement made me laugh, and while putting a spoon of cereal in my mouth, I said, "Um, I don't live with my parents." In retrospect, I don't know why I said this, but the caller responded, "Well, I'm not talking to you because you don't sound over 21." Again, I started to laugh and said, "Really? You don't think I sound over 21?" This only infuriated her and she said, "I'm going to call back when your parents answer the phone." My response, "Great! Talk to you then."

Who knew sounding like a moron or a ten year old would get rid of solicitors on the phone. I'm totally using this again. Thank you LA Times.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

My Mom is Better Than Yours

Being that is it Mother's Day today, I thought I would take a moment and express my love and admiration for my mom. I know people say it, but truly I have the best mom. Why? Well, here's 5 reasons:

1. Look at the woman, she's hot. 60+ and she has still got it.
2. She's hilarious. Tell her a dirty joke, or anything that involves farting, and the woman will be laughing. How can you not love that?
3. She knew that the husband was the one before I knew she was the one. So, she's smart is what I'm saying.
4. She is an AMAZING cook. (I wish that was hereditary.)
5. She always puts us kids first.


Barb, I love you. Thanks for having me and sorry about the 28 minute wait....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Unusual Brain Activity

Today, for fun* I got a MRI of the brain. For those of you who haven't had the rare opportunity of being locked down inside a little body capsule, while a loud beeping noise somehow takes pictures of your brain, let me give you some tips and insights into the process. (Because, sadly, this was my second MRI of the brain.)

Tip #1:
When the technician asks you what types of head traumas you've had to warrant your first MRI, just stick with your first answer of, "I started having migraines and they wanted to know what the cause of them were." Don't add, "And sometimes I talk back to my husband." No one will laugh, at least, mine didn't.

Tip #2:
When the technician asks you if you would like to close your eyes or watch a nature video on animals, choose closing your eyes. (Yes, there was a video inside my little claustrophobic chamber.) All of the sudden I'm watching a polar bear with her cubs, and then I'm watching a wolf chase down Bambi and slaughter it. I wonder what activity they'll see in my brain as I'm screaming out, "RUNN!"

Tip #3:
Don't try to read the face of the technician after the procedure. I couldn't tell if I have six months to live or he has indigestion. Maybe he was all torn up about Bambi also.


*And when I say "fun" I mean fertility.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Stellar Police Work

Dear Local Police Force,

Thank you again for my $234.00 ticket. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into turning your siren on, pulling me over like a reckless outlaw and teaching me about breaking the law.

Oh, and I also wanted to thank you for keeping my community so safe. Just the other day I saw a car being broken into and when I called to tell you, you not only didn't respond in a timely manner, but managed to call once the car was pulling away. And there was the stealing of my bike from my own garage. I'll admit I had that coming. I mean, that bike could run more stop signs. Thank goodness that got stolen. And then how I look back on fondness, the time we found my husband's car broken into and my Ipod stolen. How you dusted that car for fingerprint....oh wait. And now, I just wanted to say thank you, thank you again, for all the hard work you put in. I mean, sure on Monday night my Thule bike and surf rack was stolen, but I'm sure again, someone who runs stops signs on their bike doesn't deserve a rack to carry the dangerous bike! No!

So, thank you again, and thank goodness that at least one real criminal (me) is being punished for breaking the law.

Kate

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

NASCAR and CBS

According to Wikipedia: NASCAR holds 17 of the top 20 attended single-day sporting events in the world, and claims 75 million fans who purchase over $3 billion in annual licensed product sales. So, who, I ask you, are all these people flocking to these events? And if there are so many people who are fans of NASCAR, and who buy items attached to NASCAR, why is there such a stigma attached to the sport of cars going round and round? I mean seriously, how come admitting you like NASCAR is like tweeting about Osama Bin Laden and saying, "@dkeller23 We’ll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style." (To read about this actual dummy check out this article) You just don't do it.

In addition to the mystery of NASCAR, I would like someone to explain to me, or tell me, who are all the people who watch CBS? I couldn't name you one show I've watched in entirety that airs on CBS, and yet, almost every single show in the top ten of viewership is from this network.

So, here's the only conclusion I can come to: The same mysterious people who show up and watch NASCAR, must be the same idiots who think Two and Half Men is one of the funniest shows on TV, and (insert city) CSI is just plain brilliant.

Who are you people and who is leading you?