Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Thankful List

Well, Happy Belated Turkey Day to you all. I just returned from St. Jorge with the family and am full of thankfulness.

My family doesn't have many traditions, but one we try to do each year is to go around the table, after stuffing our faces, and stating what we are thankful for. Of course, this tradition causes ample moments of sarcasm, flashes of real emotion and memorable moments, such as, when my nephew once said, "Target and....Jesus." (I really think he covered it all) but, all in all, its one of my favorite things about Thanksgiving.

As I drove the lonely six hour drive to St. Jorge (Mr. Working Pants (name has been changed to protect the privacy of my husband) decided to spend his turkey day at the office) I tried to think of what I would say during our yearly "What are you thankful for" family exercise. Here's what I came up with:

1. This past year I was pulled over for making an illegal U-turn and in another incident I was pulled over for being on my cell phone. Both times I was let off with a warning. I'm thankful for that.

2. I'm thankful that one time at work this guy chopped his finger off and I had a feeling not to go around the corner. Had I gone around the corner I would have seen him holding a bloody fingerless hand. I'm thankful for that.

3. One time at the doctor's office this pregnant lady, who was sitting next to me, ripped a small fart. She tried to pretend she didn't do it, but I heard it. I definitely heard it. I'm not grateful for my supersonic ears, but I am grateful that that day I had a severe stuffed up nose. I'm really grateful for that cold.

4. I'm grateful Amanda Bynes was true to herself and retired at 24. She's The Man was really the high point for me. You can't do any better than that.

5. One day a homeless/crazy woman came into the restaurant and ordered a lot of alcohol, bacon, eggs and more alcohol. When it came time for her to pay the bill she slurred in a drunken voice, "Sh*t, I don't got money for this. This stuff is expensive." She then grabbed her bacon and walked out. I'm grateful I didn't have to be her waitress, and I'm glad I happened to be there when she called the restaurant a "government conspiracy to rip off poor people." It's funny, I've always thought that too.

Alright, there was family, husband, modern medicine, shelter etc. going through my mind, but I really think these five moments caused the most gratitude in my heart.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Today, I was standing in line at the post office and out of nowhere this lady turns to me and says, "My wrist keeps making that noise. I don't know if I hurt it, or slept on it wrong, but do you hear that? Last night I heard it and started to scream because I thought someone was in my house." I didn't reply. She continued, "I'm sorry I live alone so whenever I'm in line somewhere I just start talking to whoever will listen." Again, I didn't reply. She then said, "It really hurts to move my bag and my wrist." Now, I started to feel bad and was about to say something when another lady interrupted me and said to the crazy wrist lady, "Do you speak different languages because I speak four languages. Did you know that you can learn different languages by just speaking? That's how I learn them. I also study planets. And I'm an astronomist." (I swear on all that's good in the world she said "astronomist" not astronomer.)

For the next five minutes these two competed at who could craze out the other. Wrist lady would play her go to card of living alone and thinking someone was out to get her and the astronomist would come back with explaining how French men know how to please women. That can't be beat. Finally, at the end they parted, and I hate to say it, but wrist lady got owned. I have never heard someone bounce around on more topics than wrist lady's nemesis did in five minutes. She talked about the importance of voting, how chanting can calm your soul, how the planets are realigning because Mrs. Obama is a Capricorn (again, swearing on all sugar plums, puppies and warm chocolate chip cookies that she really said those things.)

It was fantastic to see a crazy totally get one upped by an even crazier person. I love Santa Monica.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Wardrobe Malfunction

Wow, it's really been a solid month since I have written in this blog. Where to begin?

Well, I suppose the best way to start off would be to discuss my Halloween. Now, because I'm of the religious leaning, I didn't celebrate Halloween on Sunday, but on Friday night I found myself at quite a party. What was this raging event? Well, because we all are friends, I suppose I can be honest. Deputy Junior (name has been changed to protect the privacy of my husband) and I decided last minute to go dancing at a singles' dance. Yes, I said a singles' dance. Okay, before you start the judging, let me just say they had a DJ, lights, smoke...alright, I'm not even convincing myself this was a good idea. Let's just leave it at - we wanted to go dancing and this was the only option. Okay?

Now, that you can picture our night, let's go a little deeper. As you can see from these pictures Deputy Junior's shorts were slightly* tight. Consequently, any sort of movement or hip gyration would cause a minor wardrobe malfunction. Now, remember that we, as married folk, were at a singles' dance - which means saddling up to your dance partner's fly and wrenching the thing up was sort of taboo.

I have to admit, it was sort of hilarious watching people's faces contort in shock as Deputy Junior and I fought to close his fly. (Life really is about small moments of joy.)

*"Slightly" in the sense that I'm not sure we'll be conceiving any time soon.