Thursday, February 28, 2013

It's Just a TV Stand

I just thought I would send out a friendly warning to those of you thinking of purchasing anything from me through Craigslist.  Apparently, if we have made a deal over text, for you to come to my house and purchase my "crap," you are going to get in a car accident. Yes, you heard me right.  You are in serious danger.  I know, I know, I too want to rush and sell you my piece of crap TV stand from 2002, but just slow down, check your blind spots, stop texting and keep your eyes on the road!  Why am I saying this?  Well, over the past two days I've made two deals, with two different individuals, to purchase a freaking TV Stand and BOTH, yes, both, have stood me up numerous times because...wait for it...because they got in an accident on the freeway.  Again, let me recap, I'm selling a scratched up, old, TV stand for $30 and 2 idiots have managed to get in accidents on their way to my house.  Of course, this leads me to question a few things:

1. Am I missing something in the picture I posted on Craigslist?  Did I by accident catch a reflection of my naked body in the window behind the stand? 

Answer: HA!  No.  Baby weight battle 2013 is still continuing. 

2. Is every idiot I see on the freeway, who has been involved in a car accident, actually my fault?  (I mean, I sell a lot of crap on Craigslist.)

Answer: No.  There are way too many idiots getting into accidents that the math doesn't stack up to the amount of crap I'm posting...cue relief sigh.

3. Are my innocuous texts of, "Yes it's still available," actually sound like, "Please make up a huge lie if you stand me up because after my gay prom date incident I've never been the same."

Answer:  Apparently so.

So, friends, I have more pre-college stuff to sell..check your car insurance and tighten that belt because it's gonna be a crazy ride. 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Can't Touch This

Maybe it's my recent sleep deprivation, (My 5 1/2 month old has decided to start waking up in the middle of the night.  Don't feel bad for me - she started sleeping through the night at 2 months...oh karma for bragging...)  Anyway, this morning, after watching Grey's Anatomy together, again, don't judge, I was raised on Young and the Restless, I placed my child in her new toy, the Jumperoo.  For those of who don't have children, and get to sleep a solid 7-9 hours a night, a Jumperoo is basically a bouncy chair, that rotates and has all sorts of toys and sound makers around it.  It's fantastic if you want to actually get something done for 15 minutes...and it's hilarious to watch her discover the monkey that makes a screeching noise every 30 seconds.  I swear, I think my kid might be suffering from dementia.  (No driving for her.) I was watching her this morning I had a thought - what about creating a Jumperoo for adults.  Come on, you know you would want this. Who wouldn't want to go to work, and as you move, your entire area starts to bounce up and down?  No?  Well, then think about this, a chair that rotates to all your favorite things.  You could have a laptop, your cell phone, a sandwich that you can gnaw on every time you rotate around, a wheel, that every time you spin it it plays, "Can't Touch This," (because that would be awesome) and all the while dangling in a comfortable chair with a cushion back! 

Sure, I might be working on five hours of sleep, that was broken up into individual hours of sleep, followed by two hours of wondering if my baby was asleep or wedged dangerously into the side of the crib, but I think this is a good idea.  Just sleep for 38 minutes, have someone wake you up, perform a physical activity and then try to go back to sleep while an annoying sound goes off every 18 seconds, AND then tell me what you think. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Tone Down The Singing And Buy My Table

Lately, we've been trying to sell a few things on if you are interested in a TV stand or a kitchen table...oh seriously, please come and get this crap...

Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I've been having some interesting exchanges with potentials buyers.  Last week a guy texted me and said he wanted our Subwoofer for $80.  Great, I thought.  $20 less than what I asked for, but hey, I'm not even sure it works.  Then he texts back his address, which I found a little strange so I countered with sending my address.  He then said, "This could work because you live close."  I didn't understand what he meant and so I texted, "Are you wanting me to deliver this to you?"  To which he responded, "I have no car but cash."  Silly me I forgot that announcement when Craigslist became a delivery website.  I'm such an idiot.  (Am I regretting not taking it to him?  Is the subwoofer still here?  Yes on both counts.)

However, as misguided as my lazy buyer was, Russell (name has not been changed because this guy is nutso) called me up yesterday and gave me this whole story about how his church needs my TV Stand to display items they sell at a fraction of the cost to poor people.  (His word was poor - not mine.)  Anyway, I was like, "Great, let's do this bizarre transaction," but, it was raining yesterday so we decided to have him come today.

I just texted him to see if he was coming and this is the text I got...and I'm not exaggerating at all...

"Hey Kate I'm sorry meant to call you last night I got a call from my pastor and I got kicked out of the church he said I was sang too loud and it was disruptive to the congregation so I apologize I have no use for it.  Kate once again I apologize I was very distraught last night and I just was very upset again i have got yelled at because my singing loudly and praising the Lord was very disruptive.  This pastor has very big issues."

I bet he does.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

K Soulll Has Left The Building

So, lately I've been ripping our music all over again.  No, we didn't have a massive computer breakdown and lose all our files, or did we get robbed.  No, instead, I, the "stay at home mom," decided to create a project for myself and rip our music at a higher bitrate than its original rip so the quality will be better.  (Just so you know I'm pushing my glasses up and muttering, "I'm surprised you didn't know that...") 

Anyway, this process has been interesting. One, because it has taken me about seven weeks to do it.  (Not because we have so many CDs, but because my day is now broken up into ten minutes of actual focused time.)  Two, I've realized in the 1990s I suffered from what one would call a severe addiction to "Cheating Columbia House and BMG Music."  For my young readers, Columbia House and BMG were CD companies, who would offer something like 11 free CDs, if you bought one CD at regular price and if you signed up for their CD of the month - which you just returned.  After doing this honestly for a couple of years (I mean, giving them my actual name and paying everything I was supposed to) I was a system to "play with."  After formulating a well thought out plan Before I knew it, I was sending in requests to Columbia House and BMG with different names and every time I moved, which was a lot in college, I would...I would...sign up again. However, without a stable address and a real name - folks, I'm not proud of it, but I killed these two companies.  I killed them so much that I sometimes I fear in some office building in Indiana (I remember that's where they were headquartered) there's a "Most Wanted List" with the following names on it: K Sou, Ka Souli, Kate S, Kathy Solidr...etc.  (What can I say, my maiden name was Soulier, and I wasn't that creative.)

However, I think now, Columbia House and BMG can have the last laugh.  For the past 20 years I've been lugging around two very large CD cases filled with CDs like, En Vogue, Spin Doctors, every Barenaked Ladies album put out from 1996 to 2000, and all sorts of one hit wonders that I can't even begin to name them.  (Remember to get a song you had to buy the entire stupid was that?) 

Thank goodness for my Russian website because I still don't feel good about paying for music.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Last Resort

Last night I read in a magazine the following, "...that in the U.S., some 3 million people a year endure a severe intestinal infection that resists antibiotic treatment and causes fever, vomiting, diarrhea, and sometimes death.  Now researchers say the infection, caused by Clostridium difficle bacteria, can be completely vanquished with an unorthodox and somewhat off-putting therapy: fecal transplantation.  Dutch researchers cured 15 of 16 infected patients by running a blended infusion of donated stool and saline through a tube passed up their noses, down their throats, and into their small intestines."  (I am not making this up, but I will admit, I did get fancy with the font options on blogger.)

Um, what?  What?!  So many questions.  First, what?  Okay second, who, what, who decided this would be a good idea to try?  Who thought, "Severe intestinal infection?  Hmmmm...what if they inhaled poop?  Do you think that would cure them?"

Answer: Do you know why it cured the 15 people out of 16?  Because if they just inhaled poop, and still said they had pain, what would happen next?  My guess is: A. Researchers would make them do it again.  B. They would be forced to say the rest of their life, "Well, yes, I had this intestinal problem, so I inhaled poop."  To which their listeners would say, "Well, at least it worked."  And the person would be forced to say, "Um, no. It didn't.  I inhaled poop and nothing happened."  NO ONE wants to admit that.

Second of all, who is donating stool?  (I don't know who decided poop should be called "stool."  I've never seen poop and thought, "I wonder if I could sit on this?")  Are there tons of Dutch people holding onto their poo wondering what good use they could find for it?  And lastly, what constitutes a good "stool sample," that would be worthy of someone inhaling it?  Is Mexican food a must, but no corn?  (Too much?  I felt like that might have been too much.)

And lastly, why, why, why does the procedure have to involve the noise AND the mouth?  Is this a sick joke of the researchers?  Do they hope that by forcing people to smell it AND then swallow it they'll be able to weed out the "fakers," among the truly sick?

I'm telling you right now if I was suffering from an intestinal infection I would not, I repeat, I would not ever, never, ever resort to inhaling poop.  Just take the intestines out. All of them. Just take them out.  I'll figure another way out.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My Dummy

I don't usually get all real up in here on the blog, but if you will indulge me for once, I would like to tell the world, I mean, my mom and probably someone from high school, who reads this, why I love my husband on this Valentine's Day:

1. One night we went to the gym together, and while he was putting our stuff away, I jumped on the only available work out machine, which happened to be a stairmaster.  After walking on it for five minutes, my husband walked up to me and said, "Um, miss, when are you going to be off that thing - because it's really busy tonight and some of us would like to work out at some point!"  Before I could tell him to shut up and go work out, the lady on the stairmaster next to me, quickly grabbed her magazine and began to shut off her machine.  She then said, "Um, you can have mine."  Though this situations make me slightly cringe, and they do happen quite often, I also find them hilarious.

2. At some point in our married life the husband started calling me "stupid" as a nickname and for some reason I started responding to it.  One night we were at the grocery store and the husband said, "Hey Stupid, do we need more bread?"  To which I responded, not phased at all, "I don't think so." As I looked up, a woman met my eyes with the most pitiful look I've ever seen.  Not to worry stranger, who thinks I'm in an abusive relationship, that "Stupid" was just from my loveable husband.

3. When the husband comes home I no longer get the first kiss.  Instead, I get to watch a man in a suit crumble every time he gets to say hello to his daughter.  Sure, it's hard sometimes to be number two, and maybe she'll be called "stupid" one day, but's also pretty hot.

Love you dummy.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

When My Faith Was Shaken

For those of you who don't know me, except through this blog, you may be surprised to find out that I'm a Mormon...a very devout Mormon, in fact.  However, as strong as my belief has been, these past 33 years, there have been some moments of doubt.  Take for example, today, Ash Wednesday, or the beginning of Lent.  For you Catholics, Ash Wednesday represents a reminder and celebration of human mortality, and as a sign of mourning and repentance.  For me, it reminds me of when my testimony came crashing down. 

It was 1994, and my team the team I sat on the bench for, was ranked number one in the state of Pennsylvania and favored to win it all.  We They were amazing, and I was convinced that no team could take us them down.  So, we traveled to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to play Nazareth High School on...yep, you guessed it...Ash Wednesday.  As we were warming up, I was shooting the only baskets I would shoot the entire game, I noticed the entire team were observing Ash Wednesday and displayed the traditional ash on their foreheads.  Yet, I wasn't nervous.  I mean, I was a devout Christian, who prays at night, and who was standing in Bethlehem about to play Nazareth - surely, I had this.  Surely, my religion had this game.  And then we got beat.  And my world came crashing down.  Everything I believed in hung in the balance. 

Then, as if that wasn't torture enough, every year, on Ash Wednesday, we would meet some "St." something high school in some Christian town and lose.  Lose!  Never did we even have a fighting chance. 

So, today I was standing in Costco and what rides up, but an Asian woman on a mobility scooter, fresh from observing Ash Wednesday.  I'm not going to lie, I clutched my baby a little tighter, and I'm still sort of waiting to see what faith shattering experience I'm going to have to endure today.

Monday, February 11, 2013

This Is a Real Post

Family, friends, creepy stalkers I have a question for all of you:  How are we going to get out of this debt situation?  No, I'm just kidding. I don't care about that.  My serious question is this: Who decided it's alright to just empty your shopping cart and then leave it some random place?  (If you are one of those people, then stop reading, because yes, this entire entry is going to be about you lazy people.)  First of all, did you know the same amount of energy you put into hauling and heaving the shopping cart onto some random sidewalk (Yeah, I'm talking to the people, who frequent the Marina del Rey Costco) you could actually use to, I don't know, put the cart into lanes they actually designate for them. Yes, you heard me right - stores actually thought of this situation ahead of time, and even went so far, as to create "little homes" for all the carts to return to.  Wild right?

Now listen, don't give me that crap about setting the cart out for some future shopper to come and take it back into the store because it ain't gonna happen.  You know why?  Because the cart is shoved between a suburban and a huge bush, and unless you are targeting someone who is addicted to the game Operation, this cart isn't going anywhere.

And lastly, don't give me the excuse about not wanting to leave your child or groceries unattended while you walk the fifteen feet to return the cart.  One, if someone steals your child while you are returning the cart then hats off to them.  Honestly, you cannot, I repeat, cannot unlock a child out of car seat in the 7 seconds you have your back turned.  It can't be done.  I can't even do it in 45 seconds.  I swear, those locks are sealed by the devil.  And the groceries...well, you are an idiot if you think your Eggos are going to be saved from completely de-thawing with those 7 extra seconds of being sealed in your movable refrigerator car.

So, friends do me a favor - one, return your carts.  And two, when you see someone giving you the eye of, "Hey buddy take this cart in with you so I don't have to walk it four steps," look away.   Just look away.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Things That Go Bump In The Night

I got to say baby monitors are an amazing invention.  Honestly, they have literally made it acceptable to shut your child into a closet or a trunk in the basement because as long as you can hear them breathing all is okay in the world.  (Don't worry I haven't done the basement thing, but the closet thing...)

So, a few weeks ago, we finally decided waking up every 40 minutes to check on our daughter, who sleeps down the hall, was getting slightly ridiculous.  So, we purchased a baby monitor.  When we first turned the thing on, I'll admit, I was sort of hoping we were going to hear our next door neighbors having a fight, or someone having a secret affair.  (I don't know why I think a baby monitor has special powers, but there's just something about those frequency dials, you have to adjust to get a clear signal, that makes you feel like if could just find the right combination a whole new world could be open to you....well, a world of spying and voyeurism.  Did I mention I'm home alone a lot?)

Anyway, I'm currently not listening to my neighbors, but I have noticed at night they take a lot of trash out, and in their mail they once received...kidding...

So, yes, I love the baby monitor.  I love listening to my baby sigh, as she is putting herself to sleep, and the ridiculous amounts of farting that occurs when she is waking up.  But, as great as all of this is, I'll tell you one thing I hate about the monitor:  I hate the strange sounds it picks up.  You parents know what I'm talking about.  You'll be laying in bed, listening to her heavy breathing, when all of the sudden you'll hear this crackle or rustle.  And as you lay there trying to explain it away, and silently waiting for it to happen again, the thoughts begin...You parents know what I'm talking about...ALL OF THE SUDDEN YOU ARE CONVINCED SOMEONE IS IN HER ROOM.  There, I said it!  Yes, the baby monitor is making me nuts.  I've gone from a normal, sound sleeper, to a paranoid freak, who is convinced each night someone is standing in my daughter's room.  And yet, the worst part about it, as I think about it, is I STAY IN BED LISTENING!  I DON'T EVEN GET UP AND SEE IF, IN FACT, SHE IS BEING ABDUCTED.  What kind of parent am I?

So, listen baby monitor just tell me my daughter is breathing and that I'm not living next to terrorists.  That's all I'm asking for.