Breaking up with someone has to be the worst thing in the entire world. I don't care how much you hate the person or how callous you think you might be - break-ups absolutely suck. There's something about telling another person you don't like them that just seems inhumane. I wish there was a button you could press that would either erase the relationship, and therefore, no one would have to remember the painful parting or would eject you to another country with a new identity. I really think someone smart should get working on this button.
Anyway, in all my years of dating I have experienced some interesting break-ups. Some naturally happened because I was caught making out with another guy, others turned into huge blow ups with yelling and tears (lots of snot in my case) and some were just plain "awkward." (You all have been there when the guy starts to cry. Don't get me wrong a man crying is adorable, but also sort of funny. I mean it's a guy. The day before he was probably lifting weights and scratching himself, and now he's whimpering like a little girl. Who doesn't find that little bit funny?)
Anyway....I would have to say, if we are documenting memories, my worst break-up happened when I was a sophomore in high school. We'll call him Ted. Ted and I had "dated" on and off for the year, and right before the summer, I decided it was time for me to move on. Therefore, I called up Ted and asked him to come over. (Heaven forbid I go over to his house to break his heart.) Anyway, after thirty minutes of dancing around the topic, I finally said, "Ted, I'm just not ready to be in a serious relationship. It's nothing you've done. I just need some time alone." Sound familiar? I got the whole thing off Growing Pains. Mike Seaver never disappoints.
Anyway, after I gave Ted the ax, he got up, and without a single argument, walked out the door. Here's where it got bad. After I heard the door close, I ran upstairs to my sister's room and proceeded to dance and sing a song about how happy I was that I had broken up with Ted. I think the chorus went something like, "I'm Free, Free All Summer to Meet Someone else, I'm freeee..." I didn't say it was a good song. Anyway, after two minutes of not only, creating new verses for my song, but interpreting the song through dance, I heard a meek voice say, "Kate, I'm still here." I heard that voice almost 14 years ago, and I swear, I can still hear it. Instantly, my sister and I froze and mouthed something that rhymes with hit. I guess in the course of my celebration, Ted had decided he wanted to fight for our broken relationship and had returned. Yeah, holy hit.
After taking a deep breath I turned the corner and saw Ted looking up at me from the bottom of the stairs with the most crestfallen eyes I had ever seen. Now, I know what you are thinking...how does one get herself out of this hole? I mean, Growing Pains never covered the topic of how to recover from being a total ass in a botched break-up. I was completely on my own. Therefore, I did what I do best. I apologized, I tried to joke and I took him back. Yeah, I didn't want him as a boyfriend anymore, but I felt like I deserved the torture. Ted, if you are out there, I'm sorry again. And I'm sorry for cheating on you a month later. You really should have walked away.