Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I Saw it, And I Liked it

This weekend I had the opportunity to see Michael Buble in concert.  Initially I was a little hesitant on going.  I mean, this isn't exactly a concert, someone my age, can or should be bragging about on Facebook or Instagram.  (Facebook status:  "Just got back from Michael Buble...so proud to be white, middle aged and rocking the Sinatra classics!")  Yeah, that wouldn't have worked.  (Okay Facebook status:  "Just rocked out with Imagine Dragons...so high from the residual pot...:)"  Totally cool.  

Anyway, outside of being slightly embarrassed from a social media point of view, Michael Buble was actually...well, was actually pretty awesome.  His voice was butter, the band was spot on, the stage graphics were pretty ridiculous, the crowd 99.9% white and our seats were perfect.  

Now for the negatives....well, actually there's only one and this really only goes out to the gentleman sitting next to me.

Sir, when you attend a concert of Michael Buble, who sings like an angel in a tux, please don't sing along.  If you want to sound like a patient, who recently awoke from a coma of 15 years, and who is learning to speak again by making droning noises, then please sing away at your next concert of Korn, Metallica or Nine Inch Nails.  However, if you are attending a "voice centered" concert, let's keep the moaning singing to a minimum or none at all.  Great.  

Thursday, November 21, 2013

How Do You Really Feel?

On November 15, a news station out of Detroit reported on a man, who erected a 12-foot high middle finger statue outside his home, which is next door to his ex-wife and her new lover, whom she reportedly had an affair with while being married.  After reading this article I had a few thoughts:

1.  Slow clap.  This is brilliant.  The man even has lights that illuminate the massive finger at night.  Listen you cheat - you suck.  Do you deserve a middle finger looming over your house?  Absolutely.  Do you also deserve to be beaten an inch from your life?  Absolutely again.

2.  Why a statue?  Would a billboard sign on the freeway been too fleeting?  Were the "Shame On You" employees too busy picketing Laguna Fitness and Bank of America to plop down across the street?  Were radio spots too expensive?  Why?  I mean, according to the report, the man is a strip club mongol in Detroit.  You would think a true entrepreneur could think of something better.

3.  And lastly, I wondered how hard it would be to erect and place my own middle finger statues?  Say, I wanted to place one next to the fruit inspection stop outside of Baker, California?  Would that be something someone would be able to do for me?  Or on the hood of every parking meter maid in Santa Monica, who is systematically stealing every hard earned dime out of those residents.  Or lastly how about at the White House?  Yeah, NSA, I said that.  Outside the White House.  Because really this Obamacare deserves a large #1 shout out.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

People I Don't Understand

A few days ago the baby and I flew home from Utah.  As I sat there, wishing a Kindle Fairy existed so the Kindle, that I forgot to recharge, could entertain my baby, I looked around and realized the two guys in my row and the people across from me were just sitting in their chairs doing nothing.  Not reading, not listening to music, not watching TV, not sleeping, but just sitting there.  For a moment I wanted to shake them and plead with them to do something - anything.  What I wouldn't have given to drink a soda in peace without a little hand grabbing my ice cubes, or the amount of money I would have paid to read a magazine - even SKY MAGAZINE!  These people were totally wasting this experience!  So, as I sat there, watching these flying zombies, and wrestling with a surprisingly strong 14 month old, I thought of this entry: "People I Just Don't Understand."  The following is what I came up with as I wished for our plane to somehow slip into Time Warp Speed.

1.  People that don't do anything on planes.  It's weird.  What do you do on Sunday afternoons?  Sit by the window and just stare out it?

2.  People that watch NASCAR.  I think they go in circles 500 times.  I think someone wins?  Be honest, do most people DVR the races and just fast forward to the last three laps?

3.  People that train, enter and win eating contests of hot dogs, and other things that shouldn't be consumed in large quantities.  Did hobbies like golf and running seem too mundane?  Was food scarce in your home and now you are making up for all those missed meals?

4.  People that let dogs lick their mouth.  I know I'll get heat for this comment, but I just wanted to point out, that 9 times out of 10, that tongue was just licking another dog's butt.  Just saying.

5.  People who break down in tears when they see famous people.  You know the idiots who go hysterical if Robert Pattinson touches their hand at a Twilight Premier, or the ridiculous Bielivers, who would kill their own parents for five minutes with Justin Bieber.  All of these people need to just calm down.  You heard me.  Calm down.  In ten years, Justin Bieber is going to be a bloated, heroin addict, and Robert Pattinson will still look like an unwashed vampire.  I speak the truth.

I was going to list more...but I'm afraid to offend.  I think #4 is going to get me in enough trouble.

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Real Story of the Zoo

Recently, the baby and I visited the zoo for the first time.  I got to say going to the zoo as an adult is a completely different experience than when I used to go as a kid.  For example, when you are a kid all you see are the animals.  Real life Elephants?!  What?  Giraffes walking around like they got no where to be?  Kill me!  A baby seal with its momma?  Just tell me where to drop down and cry myself to sleep!  It's amazing.

However, when you are adult the scene dramatically changes.  All of the sudden the only things you see are depressing looking animals, who are confined to ridiculous small spaces, surrounded by their own feces, and who probably offer daily animal prayers that the zoo will one day blow up, or at least one child will get too close to the fence so they can feel like an animal once in their lives.  Honestly, the zoo bummed me out.  At one point, Avery and I watched two rhinos eat their breakfast from some zoo workers. As I watched these "wild" animals chomp down on apples, I thought I could hear the fainest conversation coming from them.  It went something like this:

Rhino #1 (Fred): Oh, awesome, not only do these stupid humans watch me sleep, walk in my five by ten space, but now they are filming me eat these stupid apples.

Rhino #2 (Martha): Honestly!  Hey, fat kid, how would you like me coming up to your table and point as juice runs down your mouth?!

Fred: What are you going to do today?

Martha: Test that fence over there again...and maybe sniff that rock.  How about y....come on zoo worker...master of zoology....let's get the food where I can reach it.  Atta girl...freaking genius.

Fred: I'm gonna kill that elephant over there.  All night long...it's, "Hey, did you see my face on the new banner?  Hey did you see I'm the face of the zoo?"  If I was back home I would shove this sharp thing on my nose up his big, fat, as...Honestly, stop with the cameras!  I'm doing it...

Martha: What?

Fred: I'm doing it. I'm starving myself. I'm getting out of here.  I can't take it.

Martha: I'm going to go sniff that rock.

Okay, maybe they weren't talking, but those eyes were saying a lot.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Random Thought: Adult Announcements of Pooping

If you have a child you've had the following conversation:

All of the sudden your child stops playing, stands very still, makes a little grunt noise or goes a little red, maybe throws in a little squat, and then immediately, goes back to playing.  As you observe this, you find yourself asking the child, "Are you pooping?" and then you say to someone close by, "Ahh, she's pooping."

The other day I did this and then thought, what if we still did this as adults?  Picture this:

You are in a meeting with fifteen people.  All of the sudden the CEO at the head of the table goes from talking about the new project, to completely quiet and focused on something else.  As you all wait, watching him, someone says to the group, "Ahh, it's okay Tom is pooping.  Are you pooping?"

I just think a lot of cool practices get dropped once we become adults.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

"Shame On You" For Hire

The other day, while riding my bike, I passed three people holding a giant sign that read "Shame on" and then had the name of a fitness company that was located across the street.  This wasn't the first time I've seen a sign like this, but as I continued to ride, I started to have some questions about this shameful strategy and I wanted to discuss them.

First of all, what's the point of the sign?  Sure it names the company, but is it really getting the point across  What about a mechanical or a giant inflated finger wagging back and forth?  Or a group of fifty people continually pointing at the building while shaking their heads?  Or a big fart machine that makes loud noises every time someone enters or leaves the building?  Now, something like that would make me stop and ask, "Hey, why the fart noises?  Oh wait, are you saying that company treats their employees like pieces of poo?  Shame on them!"  See what I'm saying?

Second of all, the slogan is awful.  "Shame on You?"  That's the best you got?  Oh, sorry Mom for lying about stealing that gum.  You are right....shame on me.  Come on, we can do better. How about: "You suck!?" "Or (Insert Company) Are A Bunch of Jack Asses?!"  Or "(Insert Company)'s Mamma is so fat/stupid that she....(Insert punchline.)"  Again, what's the goal here?  To mildly protest or make a statement?

Lastly, how should I say this?  What's with the people who are holding these signs because, I'll be honest, a lot of credibility for these bizarre protests are lost because of the "warriors" behind the signs.  For example, the other day I saw a guy asleep in a lawn chair behind the sign, another one was most likely asleep while standing against the sign, and a woman, who was actually holding onto the edge, was completely immersed in her phone. (Probably checking for more "Shame On You" gigs for next week.)  Not one of them looked like they were employees of the targeted company, and most importantly, not one looked like they gave one piece of crap on how this whole ordeal got resolved.

So, here's my final question?  Who created this "Shame On You" company and how do I hire them for my personal gigs?  For example, how much would it cost for me to get some "strong like ox" people to stand valiantly outside Costco and hold a sign that reads: "Shame On You Costco for Switching to Pepsi Products At Your Food Court?"  Or how about a group of traveling sign holders that I could use periodically for people on the road that says, "Shame On You (Insert make of car) for braking before the light turned yellow?"  I'll even take the guy asleep as long as every once in a while he jumps up, runs in front of the sign, points to my preferred target and screams, in a banshee voice, "Yeah, Shame On YOU."  Three times an hour should do it.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Too Late For Halloween? Of course NOT!

Now that Halloween is over I thought I would take a moment and review the best and worst costumes I've seen on this holiday.  (None will be included from this last Halloween because we didn't get a single trick or treater!  Not one knock on the door and not a single piece taken.  To be honest, I'm torn with the lack of festivities at our house.  Sure, I really didn't want to be handing candy out all night, but no one?  What's next?  No flags hung on Flag Day?)

Anyway, like I was saying, though I didn't see any tiny humans dressed as ghosts and superheroes the other night, I have had some good and bad Halloweens.  The following are the best and worst:

1. In college, I saw a guy take white athletic tape and wrap his entire body to be a mummy.  I think what made it so memorable was the fact that he had covered his entire body, face even, with the tape AND the fact that he wasn't really wearing much underneath the tape.  I remember someone asking him how he planned on taking it off, and then after a few moments of silence, you could tell he was realizing he was going to be ripping off a lot of arm and leg hair that night. 

Sidebar: When getting ready for Halloween remain sober.

2. I got to admit I'm a huge fan of the ironic.  One year two friends of mine dressed up as pregnant nuns.  I know as a religious folk I should have been offended, but it was funny.

Sidebar: I think for laughing at that I was sent to Mongolia for a mission. I'm not entirely sure there's a connection, but I'm also not ruling it out.

3. This year my brother-in-law went as the character "Mugatu" from Zoolander.  Was I jealous that he actually went out on Halloween and celebrated the holiday?  Yes.  Did I watch me some Scandal and feel better?  Yes.

And now for the Worst:
1. Any man dressed as a woman, I got to say, gets a red flag out of me.  I mean, I get it, you've always wanted to play with boobs all night without being swatted away by some terrified woman, but that doesn't make it the go to costume.  Sure it can be funny to see a hideous woman, but then, it gets a little weird pretty fast.

2. ALL WOMEN DRESSED AS SLUTTY/ _________(Fill in some random job...nurse, teacher, angel, ninja, princess, grocery checkout employee etc.)  I don't know who in their right mind decided that after the age of 18, all women had to dress like prostitutes, but I've had enough of it.  If you are looking for something other than candy, then fine, if not, let's class it up ladies!

3. Me from ages 6-15.  My mom, bless her sweet heart, didn't really believe in making or buying costumes.  Therefore, every Halloween sort of went down like this:
Night before Halloween Parade:
Me: Mom, I don't have a costume.
Mom: Hmmmm....Here's a plunger...why don't you be a plumber?
Me: Was that last year.
Mom: How about this Hawaiian shirt and camera.  You are a TOURIST!!
Me: Elisa, my sister, did that last year.
Mom: Okay, here's a robe and some pajamas....you are someone going to sleep.
Me: Is that even a costume?  Someone going to sleep?  Should I just carrying a fork and spoon around and say, "Don't you get it?  I'm someone about to eat."

What was the worst and best you saw?