Monday, August 19, 2013

And...You're Dead

Hold on, let me sit down on this old chair on my stoop...alright, hold on, hey kids, yeah you, stop all that racket!  Okay, ready?  I think I'm officially ready to make my "back in my day" comment.  Okay, seriously, these days movies are dumb.  Seriously dumb.  Tell me the last movie you saw and thought, "You know what, that was a great, realistic portrayal of human life."  Go ahead, I'll give you some time to think. See you can't think of a single movie because they are all dumb.  Take for example, Iron Man 3 (The last movie I saw in a cold morgue of a movie theater...honestly, what's with the temperatures in movie theaters?  Have watching movies gotten so intense that us fat Americans now need air conditioning to handle the slight increase in our heart beats as we suck on 34 ounce sodas and stuff our faces of cheese wiz and popcorn?)

Anyway, as I was saying, Iron Man 3, was ridiculous.  Utterly ridiculous.  Spoiler Alert: Iron Man is actually a guy, a real human, dressed in a suit of iron.  He's not from some mystical place, with superhuman powers, but just a guy with a nightlight in his chest.  Therefore, if he's say, hurdled off a building, he shouldn't survive.  There's no metal, that I know of, that can actually form to your body and save you.  Where did I come up with this conclusion? Um, let me see, oh yes, people in iron planes fall and you know what happens? - They die.  People in iron cars get in crashes and, oh wait maybe you know this one - they die.

Therefore, to combat all the stupidity I see in movies, I've come up with a coping mechanism.  It goes like this:
Movie: Due Date with Robert Downing Jr. and Zach Galifianakis.  
Scene: Zach falls asleep at wheel, car falls off overpass and lands on its top.  No one is hurt.
Coping Mechanism: Say in calm voice, during scene of car spinning in slow motion and characters moving inside of car:  "You're Dead."  "You just died."  "Nope, funeral is"  

I don't know why, but there's something very liberating about calmly calling out all the unrealistic things movies try to get away with all in the name of entertainment.

Try it next time someone runs across a room while another person is firing a close range machine gun at them.  "You just got shot," "You're dead by multiple gunshots to the chest," "You are not going home tonight," "Don't call 911, You're dead."  "You're dead."

Ahhhh...and scene.

What?  I'm still soliciting votes for that Top Mommy Blog thing?  You betcha.  And now...I'm dead.


Anonymous said...

Congrats on top 24 in your category "humor".

Jana said...

I don't know about you, but the clapping at the previews was the best part of the movie.