The Hardest Number One

When I was a sophomore in college I learned that the Universe has a fantastic sense of humor. Picture this: It’s the Final Four and our team is about to play Virginia in the semi-finals at Johns Hopkins University. Before the game we are informed that four of us will be picked at random to perform a drug test. I, being the most sober person to ever walk on a college campus, didn’t think much of their request and headed out to warm-up. We then played the game. Lost the game. And while we are crying in the locker room two NCAA officials came in and called out four names. One of those names was mine. This would be the first part where the Universe is showing its keen wit.

Now, I have gone number 1 millions of times. I mean I’m a girl and therefore I have the bladder the size of a pea (pun intended). Therefore, I didn’t think this was going to be a difficult task. However, factor in playing an entire game, being watched by two middle-aged NCAA officials as you go, knowing your team is waiting on the bus for you to do your business and listening to your teammates in the next stall cry out that they are having stage fright, and well, the task becomes a little harder.

Honestly, after two hours of drinking water and Gatorade, listening to rushing water and everyone telling me, including my parents, that I could do it, I was convinced I was in hell. I must have tried ten times, and nothing.

So, there I sat at about midnight cursing the Universe and its perverse sense of humor. I mean seriously, me, the one person who never did drugs in her life was called upon to participate in a drug test? And, not only did I have to endure a mouse in my hotel room the night before (another story) and the end of my season, but I also had to deal with the defeat of not being able to pee at will? I mean, come on, the Universe is hilarious?!

Side note: I did eventually pee, and then on the hour for the rest of the night.