Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Most Important Gift Catalog In the World

Yesterday, in the mail I received, and I'm not making this up, a brochure entitled, "The Most Important Gift Catalog in the World."  (And no, it wasn't the new Victoria's Secret Soft Porn Catalog.)  No folks, somehow, by reasons unknown, I was chosen to receive this gem.  Enough build up?  Basically this catalog, entitled Heifer International, allows you to purchase either an entire animal or a share of an animal for someone in a third world country.  For example, for only $120 I can buy a goat for a woman in India.  $120...that's it.  Or I can go big and buy the "Joy to The World Gift Basket," which contains 2 sheep, four goats, 1 heifer and 2 llamas for...wait for it...$1,500.

So, I'll be honest, because I'm a terrible human being, I thought this catalog was hilarious.  Again, I acknowledge I'm a terrible person, and if you feel like bowing out of this entry, because I'm about to explain why I find all of this so funny, now would be the time.

First of all, because I have terrible reading comprehension skills, and because a 1 year old was trying to desecrate "The Most Important Gift Catalog in the World" by putting it in her mouth, I totally missed the whole - give the animal to someone in a third world country.  So initially, I thought this catalog was for buying livestock for your loved ones here in good ol' USA, which I thought was awesome - And now, I sort of want to find a company, or start my own, that will allow me to send/buy a llama for my mother in law.  Can you imagine that Christmas?

Scene: (Everyone dressed in PJs around the tree)
Mother in Law: Well, I think that's it.  That's all the gifts!
Me: Nope!
(Pull 2 giant Llamas in from the outside backyard)
Me: Merry Lla-MAS!

Second, of all, as I looked closer I realized the animals were being shipped all over the world, which again, I thought was really funny.  Logistically how does all this work?  You go with the "Joy To the World Gift Basket" and then what?  Fed Ex pulls up to a hut somewhere in Ecuador and unloads nine boxes of animals?  Or do they drop them from the sky and hope that some down and out person will actually keep them and not roast them that night for dinner?  How does someone, from a third world country, go about ordering these packaged animals?  Is there some strange request box for third world countries that someone jokingly wrote; "All I really want for Christmas is a goat from America.  Love, Mizeki Rhodewell from Malawi.  P.S. If I can't get a goat - can I get adopted?"  And lastly, how are they packaged?  Is it just a box with some holes punched in them?  Are directions included like: "Please feed them.  I know you are hungry, but please feed them too."

Lastly, I searched this catalog and not once was I informed of how I could receive a picture of my purchased livestock.  You spend a dollar a day and you get a picture of your adorable orphan.  Spend $5,000 for the Gift Ark, yep, two animals of each kind for some lucky community, and nothing!

In the end, do I think this is real? I don't know.  Will I be using this catalog for my loved ones?  Absolutely.  Nothing says I love you like buying a share of a cow.  Come on people pass this good news along.


Ru said...

It's a real thing! I bought a village some geese last Christmas and now they won't stop sending me the brochure, haha. I checked them out online, they're pretty legit.

Benjamin said...

I was given a gift of 6 chickens at a work Christmas a vegetarian. I ripped on him for 2-3 years afterward.

The Writer said...

Wow, wow...2 people have received and purchased livestock. this is fantastic.