The Torture of Audiobooks

Lately, I've started to listen to audio books while I work out and ride my bike. Typically, I really enjoy listening to the story and it helps to pass the time. However, I'm also finding that audio books can be quite awkward. For example, the other day while I was riding my bike I was listening to the "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo." For those of you who haven't read this book, let's just say there are some very "interesting" scenes inside the book. Scenes that you wouldn't want to necessarily listen to with your parents or blaring in your ear. (Cue wink, wink, nudge, nudge) Anyway, unlike a real book, audio books don't allow the luxury of skimming or skipping certain scenes. Instead, they are more like bizarre Chinese tortures that force you to watch a train smashing into another train.

For example, the other day, while trying to keep up with traffic on Sunset Boulevard, a very non-PG love scene took place...in my ears. I tried to get the ear piece out of my ear, but unfortunately, every time I went to grab the wire another car would whiz by, and I was forced to choose life over pure thoughts. Eventually, I decided the only thing I could do was sing as loud as I could so that I couldn't hear the story. Again, this plan was foiled because, in order to hear my Ipod while I ride, I have to have it extremely loud. Consequently, I was now enduring a kinky sex scene with a tone deaf and slightly muffled rendition of "Joker"* by The Steve Miller Band. Finally, the scene ended and I rode home.

I would like to say that's where the awkwardness ended, but while I was walking my bike back into my apartment, my neighbor stopped to hold the door for me. While I shuffled through the door, another special scene began. For what seemed like 5 minutes, my Ipod blared out an incredibly awkward joining of two people who are not married and don't love each other very much. Immediately, I grabbed my back and tried to fish out my Ipod, but the awkwardness was already out there. As my neighbor looked at me with disgust, I tried to explain it's an AUDIO BOOK and not some hobby of mine.

So, to those of you listening to audio books: Beware of where you choose to listen. I recommend staying away from road trips with your mom (been there), in close proximity to judgmental neighbors (been there) and places where you can't escape the explicit sex scenes read by some guy with a British accent.


*1 of the 4 songs I know all the words to.