I'm An American And I Hate Fireworks

As we celebrated the birth of our nation this past weekend, I was reminded of one very un-American thing about myself - I sort of hate fireworks. I know, as you read this you are gasping in surprise and wondering, "How can someone, seemingly so normal, hate fireworks?" Well, I actually hate fireworks for a couple of reasons. One, what's the deal with all the hype? Why do we drive hours, sit on blankets for days and await in anticipation for a bunch of loud noises and lights to shoot off in the sky? I remember as a kid we go to this park in the afternoon and stake out a "great location for the fireworks" and then just wait. Sure, we had food and we were allowed to run in a ten foot radius from our blanket, but it wasn't until hours and three naps later, did the forsaken show start. I wonder what we could have done in those wasted hours. Cured cancer? Helped an old lady not feel so lonely? Feed the homeless?

Secondly, there's a very wide spectrum when it comes to fireworks. You have the pathetic neighborhood display, which, I'll admit, can be somewhat interesting because you never know if your neighbor is going to lose an arm as he attempts to light a firecracker with a beer in one hand and lighter in the other. (Honestly, the more I think about it, these displays fall more under borderline freak shows.) And on the other side, you have incredibly expensive displays, coordinated with music and awes from the crowd. These can be fun to watch for the first 30 seconds, but they are hard to find and, I think, after five minutes they start to drive me into flashbacks of Nam. What can I say flashes of different colors and blaring (You're A) Grand Ole Flag just don't impress me.

Lastly, as if I haven't totally robbed you of your 4th of July spirit, I hate fireworks because some people absolutely love them. (This is also the reason I sort of hate Walmarts, why I wouldn't watch American Idol, and why I won't wear skinny jeans.) Honestly, some people get way too excited about fireworks. They drive across forbidden borders to purchase them, they light them when their own cities forbid it, they arrive days before events so they can have the perfect seats, and when they are going off, they act like they have never seen them before. This all drives me crazy. If you fall under this category, I apologize. Just know, if you ever say, "Hey, let's drive an hour to this really cool firework show"...I'm probably not going to come.