Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Boneshia - A Perplexing Paradox

For the past couple of weeks I've been attending a spin class at my local gym. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of pounding on a stationary bike in a poorly ventilated room with sometimes deeply annoying music, let me just say, you are truly missing out. I don't even want to know the types of fungi that can be found growing in the dark corners of these rooms.

Anyway, I bring up this wonderful addition to my work out regime in order to discuss my spin teacher. I'm deeply confused by this woman. One, and please don't take offense to this, but this woman is rather large. So, large in fact, that I'm not really sure how she peddles. And, this woman doesn't just teach one class and then eats butter for the rest of the day, but according to the schedule, this woman teaches A LOT of classes. Honestly, I've been tempted to follow her to see if she eats small children on the way home.

Secondly, I have always thought that if someone signs up to be a "teacher" or an "instructor" that must mean they enjoy at least one of the following: teaching, being around people, motivating, or being outside their home for periods of time. However, I have yet to see any of these qualities from my spin teacher. Instead, I would call her one the meanest women I have ever encountered. For example, she typically begins class with the following statement: (said in anger) "If you don't follow what I say, if you talk during my class, if you leave early, if you start doing your own thing then I will make you leave." Make you leave? What about "I'll ask you to leave?" No?

I don't know where her anger stems from. Maybe she's angry at the stationary bike manufacturers for making such small bikes. Maybe she's sick of spinning for hours and hours and never going anywhere. Maybe the fungi from the room has penetrated her brain and eaten away all her tact and kindness. I don't know. I just wish she wasn't so mean.

Lastly, I'm perplexed by my reaction to her. I typically spend the entire hour of the spin class trying to make her happy by following all her orders with exactness, and smiling when she ridicules new people, who don't know how to properly set up their bikes. I don't know if my reaction is a mixture of fear that her anger will be directed towards me, or a genetic disorder of needing everyone to be happy that is around me? All I know is Boneshia, stop the anger, stop the snacking before bed and stopping scaring the hell out of me.

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