Friday, January 22, 2010


* I tried to find the most awkward image and this one has always been seared in my brain.

Over the course of my life I have participated in many strange conversations. For example in college, I've answered questions about my religion and why I don't drink from countless intoxicated people. (There's nothing like bearing a strong testimony to someone struggling to stand up.) I've pieced together through hand gestures and broken Mongolian that the milk I was drinking was from a sick sheep. And, I've tried to explain and coach lacrosse to a number of questionable intelligent and athletic girls.

However, as disjointed, confusing and sometimes awkward these conversations were nothing compares to speaking to one of my co-workers. She takes awkward conversations to a whole new level. For example, while polishing silverware with her yesterday the following conversation took place:

Awkward Girl: Where are you from?
Me: Pennsylvania.
Awkward Girl: Go to much Eagles' Games?
Me: Nope. But watched them every Sunday.
Awkward Girl: What sign are you?
Me: Sign?
Awkward Girl: Yeah your sign.
Me: I don't know I'm an Aries.
Awkward Girl: Hmmm.
Me: What does that have to do with football?
Awkward Girl: It doesn't.
Me: (While looking away) Huh?

Example Two: (Last week sometime)
Awkward Girl: Kate, do you lift?
Me: Used to. Not really anymore.'
Awkward Girl: So you use dumbbells?
Me: Yeah I used to.
Awkward Girl: Dumbbells can be heavy.
Me: (While looking away) Yeah.

Now in my mind, after one of our awkward conversations, I high five the air and scream, "Awesome conversation (name of employee)!" It's the only thing that stops my body from convulsing into spasms of awkwardness.

I've decided from now on she's going to be the one feeling awkward. For example, if she asks me about what I ate for lunch I'm going to respond with, "Food makes my body gasy. Do you ever feel like running into a wall full speed?" Or if she asks me one more time what sign I am (this is a re-occurring question in the middle of awkward conversations) I'm going to say, "I'm the Ram after the golden ram that rescued Phrixos, taking him to the land of Colchis." And then walk away. Let her go into spasms...

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