Friday, March 29, 2013

Just Release One Hostage

I once heard a comedian describe parenting children is like constantly negotiating a hostage situation.  Oh, there was never a truer statement.  My child doesn't talk, doesn't walk, and yet, I find myself saying things like, "Please, please put your head down and slowly go to one will get hurt, just slowly put the head down and go to sleep." And then, after an hour, I start saying, "Alright, what terms will you agree to in order to go to sleep?  A helicopter?  A one way ticket to a county that will not extradite you?  Just tell me."

And now after a month of trying solid foods, my child has decided that Fort Knox her mouth will never, ever open to anything, but the sweet nectar I can provide.  When this was conveyed to me this morning, through her literally slapping the spoon to the ground, which, to be honest, sort of made me strangely proud of her coordination, I might or might not have been heard saying, "Listen, you weigh less than 14 pounds, you depend on me for everything, I wiped your butt completely clean just ten minutes have to eat this food, and you have to do it now."

You know what happens when you try to get tough with a terrorist?  Let's just say, I hope the FBI has never had to experience a terrorist, who they were negotiating with, crap its pants and rub snot into its hair.  Trust me there's no way you can negotiate out of that.

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