Monday, March 18, 2013

Water Boarding For Babies

Nope this is not going to be a St. Patrick's entry because one, I'm not Irish, two, I didn't even wear green yesterday (cue gasps), three, I'm not Catholic, four, I don't go seeking after rainbows and pots of gold, and five, I'm not an alcoholic.  Yep, that's right - that's my break down of St. Patrick's Day: Irish, stupid wardrobe conditions, religion, kids' cereal and copious amounts of green ale.  I do however, have one complaint about these "holidays that aren't really holidays" - why, why, why must people (friends of mine who are now mothers) insist on dressing their children in outfits celebrating every freaking holiday?  Seriously, the next time I see a kid dressed in a colonial outfit, telling Indians to take a hike (Columbus Day) I'm going to scream.  I get it, today is some sort of holiday for some sort of people - I don't need a baby picture posted on Facebook to remind me.

Alright - glad I got that off my chest. 

So, for the past week my child has been suffering from her first cold, which basically consists of snot, coughing and more snot.  Because the kid is completely pathetic and hasn't learned the basic concept of blowing her nose....kiddddinggg...we have been forced to use a bulb syringe to suck the snot out of her nose.  For those of you unfamiliar with this fun apparatus, picture someone shoving a giant suction hose up your nose and then sucking all the snot and brain matter you have up there.  I know, the husband and I agree, it sounds pretty awesome, but to a baby this is utter torture.  Honestly, I have never seen our baby exhibit such strength. I literally reach for the bulb syringe and she starts to kick me across the room.  So, in order to stop our little Hulk from beating the crap out of us, the husband and I together have to wrestle her down and perform the suction - which is absolutely unbelievable.  Seriously, her face is the size of my hand and yet, the amount of snot that comes out...sorry, it's a sight to behold. 

Anyway, the other night as I was holding her arms down and taking swift kicks to my child's milk supply, I watched as my husband was holding her head down and trying to shove the syringe into her nose, I thought we are basically water boarding our child.  So, like any good mom, I saw this as an opportunity to see what I could find out.  So, I said, "Avery this will all stop if you tell me then next time you are going to have a blow out.  Just tell me.  And this can all go away."  Nothing.  So, I upped the game.  I then asked, "Avery you feeling that pain?  Alright...tell me what Heaven was like. Come on.  Is it wonderful?  Did you pick us?  Were you forced to come down here to us.  Tell me and Dad stops!"  Again, she held her ground. 

It's alright, I hear some more congestion today...and Momma gots some more questions.

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