Last Resort

Last night I read in a magazine the following, "...that in the U.S., some 3 million people a year endure a severe intestinal infection that resists antibiotic treatment and causes fever, vomiting, diarrhea, and sometimes death.  Now researchers say the infection, caused by Clostridium difficle bacteria, can be completely vanquished with an unorthodox and somewhat off-putting therapy: fecal transplantation.  Dutch researchers cured 15 of 16 infected patients by running a blended infusion of donated stool and saline through a tube passed up their noses, down their throats, and into their small intestines."  (I am not making this up, but I will admit, I did get fancy with the font options on blogger.)

Um, what?  What?!  So many questions.  First, what?  Okay second, who, what, who decided this would be a good idea to try?  Who thought, "Severe intestinal infection?  Hmmmm...what if they inhaled poop?  Do you think that would cure them?"

Answer: Do you know why it cured the 15 people out of 16?  Because if they just inhaled poop, and still said they had pain, what would happen next?  My guess is: A. Researchers would make them do it again.  B. They would be forced to say the rest of their life, "Well, yes, I had this intestinal problem, so I inhaled poop."  To which their listeners would say, "Well, at least it worked."  And the person would be forced to say, "Um, no. It didn't.  I inhaled poop and nothing happened."  NO ONE wants to admit that.

Second of all, who is donating stool?  (I don't know who decided poop should be called "stool."  I've never seen poop and thought, "I wonder if I could sit on this?")  Are there tons of Dutch people holding onto their poo wondering what good use they could find for it?  And lastly, what constitutes a good "stool sample," that would be worthy of someone inhaling it?  Is Mexican food a must, but no corn?  (Too much?  I felt like that might have been too much.)

And lastly, why, why, why does the procedure have to involve the noise AND the mouth?  Is this a sick joke of the researchers?  Do they hope that by forcing people to smell it AND then swallow it they'll be able to weed out the "fakers," among the truly sick?

I'm telling you right now if I was suffering from an intestinal infection I would not, I repeat, I would not ever, never, ever resort to inhaling poop.  Just take the intestines out. All of them. Just take them out.  I'll figure another way out.