Honesty Will Cost Ya

Since working at a restaurant for almost 2 1/2 years I've learned that my job isn't just about friendly service and hospitality, but more about an astute ability to lie. For example here's some of my favorites:

Food comes out wrong
Option 1: Play up the fact that our kitchen is mostly Hispanic, and then exaggerate the obvious language barrier with some type of mild racial slur.
Option 2: Claim another server took your food to another table. Make a lighthearted joke like this one, "I'll go check on table 10 and see if they are enjoying your breakfast."

Food is taking too long (because you forgot to put the order into the computer)
Option 1: Claim that your systems just went down for a few minutes and now the kitchen is scrambling to catch up on all the back orders.
Option 2: Claim their food came up, but you inspected it, found it to be cold and demanded an immediate "refire." I usually deliver this with a disappointed face.

Questions about "free range" and organic food
Option 1: Ask them this, "Were you hoping to find free range chicken?" Person answers, "No, I hate free range chicken." So you say, "Well, then good because you are in luck. Our food is NOT, I repeat NOT free range." If they reply, "Why yes, I only eat free range." Then you say, "Well, then good because you are in luck. Our food is free range. I repeat is free range."
Option 2: Always say yes to organic. If some idiot is asking, then they are looking for a yes. (If you say no, they might ask you why you don't recycle. It's just not worth it.)

Do you like _____?
Option 1: Decide what this person is looking for. For example, if this person asked if you can cook the tuna burger well done and wants to know if you have onion rings, tell them you do not like the brussel sprout salad. If they are wearing skinny jeans and something totally vintage tell them you love the brussel sprout salad...because it's totally organic.
Option 2: Come on you smart people out there...what do I like? Um, the filet tacos are amazing because they are...what the most expensive thing on the menu? What?

So, remember us servers might look nice, but we are not to be trusted.