20 Cents To Lose

After working at a restaurant for two years, I've come to hate three things. One, I hate stupid parents. You know who you are. You are the ones who come in with two or more kids and decide, that since you are leaving a six dollar tip, it's okay to absolutely destroy the place...and then leave. Did you know that when your kid throws his food on the ground someone (me) actually has to clean that up? Or did you know that a napkin used to clean up snot, spilled milk and whatever else you decide to leave behind actually has to be touched by someone (me)? Honestly, I get it. I'm not a parent, but even I know it's not okay to watch your child throw his drink on the ground, and then say to your server (me), "Um, you missed a spot of milk over there."

TWO, I hate the "menu changers." Again, you know who you are. You are the ones who see that we have turkey, tomatoes and tofu on our menu and decide to create your own sandwich out of those ingredients. Hey, guest judge this isn't a quickfire challenge on Top Chef - order from the menu!

And THREE, more than anything else, I hate foreigners. If I hear an accent my attitude instantly goes from, Curly McLain singing "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" to Michael Jackson singing "Beat It." Why all the anger? Well, for one they never, ever, never order from the menu. It's always do you have...(insert their homeland food.) Second, there are the most demanding little foreign friends. First they want an espresso, but then that's too hot, now they want some cold milk, oh but the milk is too cold, please heat it up. (Mind you, our restaurant is quite long, and all these requests add up to fifty yards each way.)

And lastly, after all the accommodations and running around they don't leave a tip. It absolutely drives me nuts. So, finally last Thursday I snapped. After watching a particular foreign couple come in three days in a row, and three days in a row screw my co-worker, I decided this needed to stop. So, the following took place:

Kate: (While handing them the check) So have you guys been to America before?

Foreigners: (While sipping on their third espresso and just right milk) Um, yes wes love ze country. Wez been here a many times.

Kate: Oh, wow like how many times?

Foreigners: Let me see. We been to, uh, New York and Miami and to California many times.

Kate: Wow. So, do you understand the tipping policies of America?

Foreigners: Yes, we have been leaving zomething.

Kate: Not really. You see today your bill is 28 dollars so you can tip anything from $4.50 to $6.00. You have been leaving 20 cents or 17 cents. (Their tips from the previous days.) That is not 15%, which is the typical practice in America.

Foreigners: We did not sthink it applied to breakfast.

Kate: Well, anytime someone comes to your table to serve you - then you may tip them. Do you understand?

Foreigners: (starting to forget English) Um, oui.

And the tip was?...$4.00. Figured I only had 20 cents to lose.