The Different Stages of Camp

Today, was the first day of my lacrosse camp here in good ol' Sandy, Utah. For me, first day of camp always involves stages of emotions. For example, no matter how hard I try, I always find myself being way too sarcastic during the first morning. I really need someone to remind me that singling out a girl during the first hour, and declaring she is most likely going to be the "most improved"* is not something I should say. Secondly, once I stop being overly sarcastic, I move to the next stage, which is overly excited. Of course, this stage happens, when I realize I've insulted at least six girls, and I now need to act like I love lacrosse and camp, so they don't draft a lawsuit for the following day. Once my excitement starts to wane, and my voice is almost gone, I go to the next stage of, "Why did I agree to coach this camp in the first place?" This emotion causes me to berate girls, who are talking in line, by saying, "Oh, I get it. You actually know all of this. I guess I'll just take your pinny and you can have my whistle. Please continue with coaching us at this camp." (I agree, this stage seems awfully close to my initial stage of sarcasm. They are, however, quite different. The morning sarcasm is supposed to be funny, where as, afternoon sarcasm, is truly mean and sort of like a tired toddler lashing out.)

Once I've struck fear in every campers' heart, I move to the final stage of gratitude. Now, don't misunderstand me, this is not when I grab all the campers, and with a tear in my eye, thank them personally for coming out to camp. No, the only gratitude I feel is looking down at my watch and realizing I'll be in my car in 20 minutes. Now, that's something to be grateful for.

So, I know, you are wondering why do I do this? Well, for a few reasons. One, I get paid. Two, I feel incredibly coordinated when I leave. And three, well, okay, I sort like coaching....I know, totally lame ending to this entry.

*Of course, when I say "Most Improved" I'm actually implying, in an incredibly sarcastic way, "This girl looks desperately unathletic, and anything she learns will be not only a miracle, but a vast improvement."