A Love Hate Relationship

I mentioned a while back that I decided to take up golf. Now, almost two months later, I'm beginning to think I made a horrible mistake. Simply put, golf does strange things to me. First, I develop a great rage inside of me when I'm at the driving range, and desperately uncoordinated people, are able to, not only hit the ball straight, but farther than me. Last Saturday I almost followed an old Korean woman to her car to beat her over the head with my sand wedge. This is not normal.

Secondly, I talk to myself and not in a real "positive" way. Usually, when I work out, I think things like, "Man, you are doing great." Or "Gee, Kate you sure are pushing yourself." And sometimes when I ride my bike up a ridiculous incline I'll say, "Come on get up there." With golf, I think more things AND say things out loud like, "What are you a complete moron?" or "Geez, why don't you just take me behind the building and shoot me? I think that would be less painful." Again, not normal.

And lastly, I find myself doubting my whole athletic ability. Again, this usually starts with watching the crippled man pull himself out of his wheelchair to nail his ball 150 yards farther than mine. And then more doubt creeps in when my teacher calls me Kathy and snickers every time I slice the ball. Honestly, it takes me the entire ride home to remember I've had great moments in sports and this is not a real reflection of my overall coordination.

So, will I keep doing it? Stayed tuned. And if you hear of any random acts of violence at the Rancho Park Golf Course...it wasn't me.

Nah, Lbaaa, Lovvvee

The other night the husband and I celebrated our friend's birthday by participating in some good ol' karaoke fun.  I have to admit, initially, I was a little apprehensive about this adventure.  Don't get me wrong I enjoy singing off key in a confined room with relative strangers..I even thrive off it.  No, I was fearful I would reveal more "Kate Learning Disabilities."  (I actually don't know why I call them "learning disabilities" because I didn't learn how to be disabled in these parts of my life...So, I guess I'll just call them "disabilities."  But, then I don't want to make light of people with real disabilities (always got to think of my readers) so let's call them Kate-isms.)   Anyway, what was the Kate-ism I was referring to?

I never hear lyrics in songs.  I could listen to my favorite band everyday, and then if I was asked to sing the lyrics of one of their songs - I couldn't do it. It would come out like this: "A Little Ditty About Jack and Diane, two Amer nah, nah heartLAND."* (I'm usually pretty good with the first three words and then awesome with the last syllable.  Anything outside of that is pretty bad.) 

So, you can imagine my fear with karaoke.  Yes, the words are there, and theoretically, this should remedy my "performance problem."  However, the screen actually screws me up.  I become completely distracted watching these magical words appear, and realizing some of my favorite songs aren't about whales in the summer or midgets dancing.  It's like I'm understanding a foreign language for the first time.  It's overwhelming, and to be honest, quite deflating that a homemade video of motor-cross during AC/DC's "Shook Me All Night Long" could reveal so much.  

Anyway, the night actually was a lot of fun, and I don't think anyone really noticed the incoherent sounds I was making.  I think they were more mesmerized by my "mime dancing."  Emily Madsen will know what this means....I sort of like to act out my songs.  I know, difficult to do when you think they are about whales in the summer, but I make it work.

* John Mellencamp is not one of my favorite singers.  Just an example folks.

Oh, The Irony

As promised here's the story of one of the funniest experiences of my life.

When I got back from Mongolia I scored an awesome job with The United Way.  "Awesome" because, while at the United Way, I read all the Harry Potter books, surfed the internet and occasionally worked.  My prestigious work title was Executive Manager.  Basically, I had to manage individual fund-raising accounts for over 50 different businesses.  This meant I had to meet with each business, give a presentation on The United Way and collect the checks.  For three months I traveled around Salt Lake informing companies about the rising number of homeless people and the lack of shelters for battered women.  Speech after speech, I encouraged people to donate and help these destitute people.  

One day while coming back from a presentation I was driving the United Way car.  This car was donated by one of the companies on the board, and was completely decked out in United Way decal.  I'm talking United Way symbol across the hood of the car, people's faces along the doors and the mission statement on the back window.  Completely decked out.

Anyway, as I was approaching an intersection I saw a homeless man, who was carrying a large garbage bag over his shoulder, jay walking across the road I was about to cross.  Trying to be helpful, I honked at him and pointed to my green light.  As I passed him, he hawked the biggest pool of phlegm through my window and onto me.  Now, as gross as this story is, I can't help but laugh at the absurd irony of the experience.  Here I am out trying to help this guy get dinner and some shelter, and what does he do?  He spits on me.

Who Needs a Therapist I Have My Schnoodle

A couple of days ago I sent my resume to a job posting on craigslist.com.  Because of past experience I'm a little nervous to see what this job will really entail.  (Should I be worried when it said you need to have a background in refereeing wet t-shirt contests?)  

Anyway, the reason for my distrust is because of the worst job I ever had for three days.  I had just finished a job with the United Way of Salt Lake - which totally reminds me of the funniest experience of my life.  (See next entry for that story)  ANNNYWAAYY...I decided to go online and try to find another job.  I came across this "marketing" position and thought, "Hey, I was once a missionary and have an outstanding sense of humor - this would be perfect!"  So, like a total moron I sent my resume and within an hour I had a call from some gum chomping girl telling me to come in for an interview.  I should have known then that this was going to be an utter disaster, but I was only six months off the mission and still had that angelic belief in everyone and everything, so I went to the interview.  After fifteen minutes I was hired. Again, that should have been a clue for me to walk.

The next day I went to Ogden with a girl named Lauren who smoked the entire way and told me the objectives of the "company."  (Looking back I don't think any salesmen in the world had ever received such an extensive training.)  After inhaling an hour of second hand smoke, and trying to follow the AT&T deals we would be selling to the eager residents of Ogden, we arrived at our first business.  Sheepishly, I followed Lauren into some Feed and Grain store and watched her try to convince the owner to switch to AT&T with her chest.  Unfortunately, he declined, and the day followed much the same.  I think we visited almost every business in Ogden and only two suckers made the switch.  After a couple of hours, Lauren made me make the pitch, and I have to admit, I have never hated myself more.  If you ever want to feel demoralized, drive up to Ogden, go to a pet store on Main Street and ask them about their phone service.  A lady with a t-shirt that says, "Who Needs a Therapist I Have My Schnoodle" will tell you what a disgraceful person YOU are and how you need to leave.  

After being berated by the dog loving lunatic, we again lit up and headed back to the "offices."  What happened next is still a little hard for me talk about because, after five years, I'm still utterly embarrassed I was in the same room with these people.  All the "trainees" and their "trainers" got in a circle.  Then everyone had to go around and say how many sells they made.  The one with the most sells, not only got to wear a viking helmet, but also got to bang the African bell.  Once the bell was rung, someone would turn on music and everyone would dance.  Looking back I wish I had just sprinted for the door, but instead, like a total masochist I went back the next day.  Don't ask why.  I think it was my "You Can Do It" attitude.  Oh, to be 23 again.

The next day was much the same, only I went to North Salt Lake with my "trainer," and this time, a furniture store owner yelled at me.  (Again, I don't know why I didn't just run my car off the road or stick a fork in my eye.)

Finally, I finished by "training" and the third day I was sent off by myself.  By ten in the morning, I was completely defeated and sick of apologizing for being a saleswoman.  By eleven, I had eaten my lunch and read a magazine at the local gas station.  And by twelve, I was on the phone with my brother crying.  He told me to get in my car and go home.  He said this "company" was absolutely pathetic and I could do better.  I finally had to agree.  

So, I'm a little nervous.  Hopefully, two things will happen.  1. the internet won't let me down this time.  AND 2. I'll realize the job is a joke at the interview and not while I'm crying in some empty parking lot.

Take That E

The other day I was watching the mind numbing channel of E and came across their award winning segment on "The Biggest Scandals of 2008."  Before I could quickly turn off the TV and read the dictionary I was sucked in.  I mean, I don't think any of us saw Lindsay Lohan going gay.  Shocking.  Anyway, this show got me thinking about the past year and the scandals I haven't fully divulged on this blog.  No, I kid...and you will never hear those stories...it made me think of my own list for 2008.  So, I know this is a little late, but what can I say I was inspired by the network that not only gives you The Girls Next Door, but also a look into Snoop Dogg's home.  

The following will probably bore you to death, but I love lists so stay with me.

Best Books of 2008

1. Rhett Butler's People by Donald McCaig  (Best sequel to Gone With The Wind I've ever read) 
   
2. Down At The End of Lonely Street: The Life and Death of Elvis Presley by Peter Brown
   
3. Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger 
   

Best Days of 2008

1. All-Star Loaded Questions on New Year's Eve
2. Eating the greatest pizza in St. Mark's Square in Venice, Italy
3. My Birthday with Danny
4. Talking to my sister on the phone for almost three hours one day.

Best Quote of 2008

"I know you love your animals, but don't make me pet them."

Coolest Places I Saw in 2008

1. Four Seasons private beach in Costa Rica
2. Private Gardens of the Pope behind The Vatican
3. The Narrows at Zion National Park with Barb
4. Riding through Snow Canyon in St. George, Utah after 45 miles of a head wind.

Most Surprising Moments of 2008

1. I took up golf.
2. As coordinated as I think I am, I really can't surf all that well.
3. Lindsay Lohan is now gay.

Best Songs of 2008

1. "You are the Best Thing" - Ray LaMontagne
2. "Put it On Me" - Ben Harper
3. "Right as Rain" - Adele
4. "The Underdog" - Spoon

Best TV Shows of 2008

1. Friday Night Lights
2. Mad Men
3. Gossip Girl
4. 30 Rock

Guilty Pleasures of 2008

1. Blog stalking people in my old ward.
2. Lipstick Jungle
3. Twilight

Alright we've all endured enough.  Happy New Year?

Apple, Bronx and Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Walk Into A Bar

As I told my mother, and I will now tell you, I'm not in a panic to have children.  Sure I'll be 30 in three months and I do hear some faint clock in the back of my head, but I'm not to the point of muttering, "baby, baby" while sitting in the corner.  Because no one puts baby in the corner. Yes, I did set myself up for that.  

Anyway, I might not be trying on maternity clothes, but lately I'm getting severely annoyed at all the morons who seem to be having children.  To name a few: Ashlee Simpson.  Bronx.  That's all I'm going to say.  Oh, and good luck with a father who looked like he escaped from hobbit land with his mom's eye liner.  Then there was Bristol Palin who went to prom wearing a corsage and came home pregnant.  I bet she still reads Seventeen magazine while her baby naps.  And lastly, there's Lisa Benot.  Don't know who she is?  Well, good ol' Lisa from The Cosby Show had a new baby on December 15th who she named Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha.  (I would insert a sarcastic comment here, but I think this kid's classmates in a few years will think of a couple of good ones.)

Seriously, all I want is to bring a normal kid into the world.  Well, a kid who will beat up kids like Bronx and (insert random vowel) boy.  Is that too much to ask for?

Two Years

A week ago we celebrated our two year wedding anniversary by hitting two bucket of balls, enjoying a little dinner at our favorite restaurant and slurping through a broken straw a ridiculously thick milkshake from Jack in the Box. I know, we are such romantics. I will have to say it was a step up from our last anniversary that was spent on an airplane to Costa Rica with the in-laws. Now that was hot.

During our anniversary I started to think about when I knew I was going to marry this boy from California. In 2004, we were set up on a date in North Carolina by our sister-in-laws. I wouldn't call it love at first sight for either of us. He seemed nice, but at the time I was living in Utah and didn't see a future with someone so far away. A year went by and one day, as I was walking out of the gym, I had a thought to call my Duke blind date. To this day I don't know where that thought came from. Maybe divine inspiration or my mother's relentless reminders of him were finally working. At any rate, we talked and decided to see each other again when he came out for a snow boarding trip in a few weeks.

Again, the dates were fun, but I couldn't figure out how I felt about him. There was no denying that we were incredibly compatible, but I just couldn't take the next leap. And then a few months later we were sitting outside at a restaurant in Salt Lake. I'll never forget the scene. He had just graduated from Law School and had stopped in Utah on his way back to California. He was wearing a light blue polo and talking about his trip across the country when all of the sudden I knew. I knew I was going to marry him. I didn't know when, and I sure as heck, didn't know how I was going to get there, but I knew.

A year and a half later we were married. I still can't believe that little blind date in Durham actually worked.

Woulda Shoulda Coulda

* This picture reflects my excitement for the new year and... for the Obama Administration.

I wouldn't call myself a "goal setter." If anything, I sort of hate the whole "I'm going to change my life by writing down some stupid things I'm probably never going to do." I remember each year in college my coach used to make me write down five things I wanted to accomplish during the season. I would inevitably write things like, "I want to score more, improve my left hand and become faster." I really should have written a personal note to myself that read, "Stop dating that abusive moron you call your boyfriend, and try writing your papers sooner than the night before." I think those goals would have been more important and beneficial to my college experience.

Anyway, it's a new year, and as much as I hate the whole resolution thing, I have been thinking of some things I would like to accomplish in 2009. Again, I'm about as optimistic as a man swimming with sharks is of not getting killed, that I'll actually reach these goals, but maybe I'll set a goal to reach my goals. Does that even work?

Anyway, in order to maximize success, I've chosen five resolutions that I think I'll be able to achieve in 2009. Life is about small steps right?

1. I will Tivo all of 24 before watching the show. I watched 24 week to week last time and it just wasn't the same.
2. I will drink more water. I sometimes go all day on a diet of pretzels, cereal and licorice. You wouldn't believe how parched I get by dinner.
   
3. I will finish my wedding video. So, it's been two years since I was married.
4. I will stop lashing out at reality TV contestants...even when you pick the wrong 15 bachelorettes to begin the show. Come on Jason didn't Deanna teach you anything!?
5. I've been doing a really good job at wearing my retainer to bed. I think I'm going to continue that even though my hubby insists I tell him a story every time I place those little tortures in my mouth. *

Okay, so my list doesn't consist of going to the Temple more or eating more vegetables. What can I say, I'm a realist.

* Come to think of it, I would like to create a resolution for him: to stop laughing when I can't pronounce my "th" and "s" sounds when I'm wearing my retainers.