Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Just Give It to Me Albertsons

Lately, while I've been going to the grocery store I've been noticing that all the music that is being played, while I aimlessly walk around the place looking for mustard, has been music I know, and well, sort of grew up loving in high school and college.  At first, I sort of enjoyed singing along as I attempted to figure out what roll of paper towel was actually the most cost effective.  (Honestly, I feel like I need a math degree every time I enter the freaking store.  If one roll of paper is going for $6.99, but is only 68 yards long, should you buy the other roll for $7.65 that contains 80 yards?  And when train A leaves the station traveling at 64 miles per hour what time will it arrive...oh wait.)

Anyway, this constant stroll through my 2004 iPod was going great until the other day when I heard an artist, who I had just seen two years ago, and who I thought, was pretty cool and upcoming, blaring through the frozen section.  Immediately, I stopped and realized, it's happened.  My music isn't cool anymore.  I'm not cutting edge.  I'm not hip, in the know or whatever slang word kids are saying these days.  Crap, I just said, "kids these days."  And then, right there, while holding a cold bag of frozen carrots, I had it - the quasi-midlife-oh sh#t-when did I stop being cool moment.  Quickly, I started to think, and realized the fact that I was excited the frozen carrots were on sale AND were the round shape ones, was probably a good indicator that I was probably on the not cool road for longer than I had first thought.  And then I remembered watching the Grammy's for two seconds and heard myself say, "That Miley should really put some clothes on..." and "...who are all these people?"  How did I not see the signs?  Do I tweet?  No.  Did I vote for Obama?  No again!  Ah.  Do I have savings in my bank account? I do.  No cool, young, hip person has savings?  Who makes a joke about a savings account?  Not cool people - I say.  Who tries to sound like a town squire at the end of a joke?  Do I stay up late?  No, and not because I'm tired, but because I read that people who sleep 7-8 hours a night are less likely to get Alzheimer Disease.  Who cares about being senile and forgetful?  MEEE!  Can I name all the members of One Direction, do I wear heels out to dinner, have I seen a movie in a movie theater in the last year, do I joke about flossing - NO, NO, NO, NO.

That's it.  I give up.  Albertson's - you got me.  Go ahead play my tunes and don't laugh when I sing along.  This is my coolness going away party.

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