Friday, March 21, 2014

GO Find the Plane You Super Detectives!

After finishing another mindless crime novel I was struck by a few things:

1. Why aren't these geniuses, who seem to solve major crimes in three days, while never stopping to go to the bathroom, eat, or sleep, not out finding this vanishing plane from Malaysia?  Seriously, I just finished a book where two characters, IN THREE DAYS, figured out who assassinated a president eight years ago, kidnapped a current presidential candidate, killed some other people, and determined THEIR MOTIVE for the whole elaborate plan, which, to be honest, seemed a little mailed in.  Sorry, but for love?  All for love?  What is this a Meatloaf song acted out? 

2. In real life, main characters, or people who seem to figuring out mysteries, get killed. Bang, gone.  In these stupid books, the big-bad guy is always the one in the next freaking seat!  And who has been driving around town with these super heroes for three days until finally he's outed, and then FINALLY, decides to kill these people.  Why didn't you just do it while they were getting gas?  Talking on the phone?  Standing in an elevator with you?  Come on mastermind - let's work this out.
3. Honestly, I just want a few minutes with some real criminals, who did some majorly bad stuff, so I could ask them one question: Right before you blew up the building with 200 people inside, or drowned your victims in a pool full of sharks, did you, and be honest, did you take a moment to explain yourself and your entire plan?  Did you lay it all out so everyone in the room was completely clear as to why you are a murderous psychopath?  Oh, you didn't?  Great, that's what I thought.  WHY MUST EVERY BAD GUY in EVERY FREAKING CRIME BOOK OR MOVIE parade around for fifteen minutes expounding his diabolical plot to destroy the world.  Just do it.  Shut up and do it.  You had me at, "I'm going to kill you."  Done.  There's no need to explain yourself.

Don't get me started on the "brushes with death."  Some characters in books are insanely invincible.  Shot in the head? Nope, just grazed.  Twenty minute hand to hand fist fight? Just cracked a rib.  Seriously, why do I do it to myself?

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