Call Me When It's Bastille Day

So, I just checked with my Mom and Dad and it turns out none of my ancestors were ever from Ireland.  Never stepped foot in the country. Never fought for potatoes, never wrestled little leprechauns for pots of gold and never drank a pint of Guinness.  Not one.  Actually it turns out my ancestors were Scandinavian Mormons and French people, who actually lived in Italy, who later became Mormons.  So, here's the deal, I didn't wear green yesterday. My child didn't wear green yesterday. And you know why?  Because we ain't Irish.  Did you hear that Ralph's check out dude at aisle 8?  I don't care that you woke up and decided, that even though you are a grown man, you were going to wear a large green, bedazzled bow tie, green top hat and a plethora of green shamrocks all over your "work t-shirt" because it was St. Patrick's Day.  I don't care. What I do care about is, one, your disapproving face, as you announce on the loud speaker, that I've failed to celebrate an Irish holiday, and two, and probably more important, your serious threat to pinch my child.  

So, may I ask, in this bizarre blog, that you will never read, you over-zealous-observer of holidays, why are you so appalled at my blatant disregard for a holiday that really should only be celebrated by elementary students?  Is there just something about holidays, that ask so little of people, that you just love?  After St. Patrick's Day is June 27, or Helen Keller Day, your second favorite holiday?  Do you love celebrating it by not talking, listening or hearing anyone?  Or does Earth Day just make you sing?  Earth Day - what do you do for this day?  Wear a globe?  Remind your customers to use paper instead of plastic, not flush your toilet until the next day in order to save water or take a long breath of air?  Seriously, these aren't real holidays.  Sure, they are nice to remind us that stuff is going on, but honestly, no one wakes up and says, "Is it already the last Friday of April? Crap, I got to go get a tree and plant it."  They don't.  Holidays are about real actions.  Christmas = presents.  New Years = resolutions, staying up too late, and hating yourself for making this a real holiday.  Thanksgiving = gluttony.  Birthday = narcissism.  Mother's Day = Gratitude / Guilt for making her cook.  You see those are real holidays, not St. Patrick's Day, which, by the way, I had to use wikipedia.com to learn about.