Friday, April 29, 2011

Celebrities Are Weird

As I've mentioned before, I've had ample opportunities to see celebrities at my place of work. I've seen A-List stars like Kate Hudson, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Orlando Bloom, and I've even seen some D-List stars like, Urkel, Ed Rooney and the meathead from Can't Buy Me Love (they are such D-List stars they don't even deserve the time it would take me to look up their actual names). Now, in all these brushes with fame I've noticed a few things. One, a lot of them are tiny. For example, one of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings (not the famous one from Lost) is an actual hobbit, and Helen Hunt has huge hips but a tiny, tiny face (which is always in a permanent frown - what Soul Surfer wasn't what you envisioned after winning an Academy Award?) Secondly, I've noticed that celebrities, regardless of their status, feel like it's okay to exhibit a complete disregard for social norms on PDA. Worst offender would have to go to Kim Raver, who plays Teddy on Grey's Anatomy - who basically got on top of her husband while I was delivering their taco platter. Come on Kim, I supported the long face through 24, Lipstick Jungle and I'm even attempting to believe you can tame Yang on Grey's. Thirdly, I've noticed that if you are a celebrity it is alright to look homeless when you come to breakfast. Again, worst offenders would either be Alison Lohman, who starred in Big Fish and Flicka, (I actually told her she would have to buy something in order to use the bathroom) or Luke Wilson, who looked like he actually stole a homeless man's shirt and was wearing a beard that was eating his face.

Lastly, I've noticed that old man rockers all sport the same haircuts. What is this? Does it still make them cool to have haircuts that make them look like they just stepped off the tour bus, or that they just finished a weekend bender with Led Zeppelin? Seriously, there's this guy, probably in his late 50s, that comes in all the time (no names because I sort of love this customer, but suffice it to say, he's very legit and plays with a legend) who has the most ridiculous haircut. It's sort of a cross between Bon Jovi 1980s and Gary Busey of today. What makes his haircut even better is when he has lunch with other old time rockers. The other day, there was a whole table of grown men, some older than my dear father, who were sporting crazy highlights, hair going everywhere, and two had long stringy hair, that you could tell was just longing for the days when women actually liked to run their fingers through it. Honestly, these guys need a quick trip to reality land...and maybe Supercuts.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Oh, Here Go Hell Come

Well, the verdict is in for my reckless biking. (For those of you who haven't heard I was pulled over ON MY BIKE for running a stop sign.)

Ticket Price is: $234.00
How many times I yelled, "You are a jackass Officer Knotts." - 234 times.

I will be fighting this. Until then, Redondo Beach Police Force...

Monday, April 18, 2011

32 and 3 Days

So, on Friday I turned the big 32. 32. Ah, that sounds old. At least my life plan, I made for myself fifteen years ago, is working out perfectly.

1. Wearing an apron every day and asking, "Do you want bacon or sausage with that?" - Check.
2. Living in a 1 bedroom apartment with a hot guy. - Check.
3. Having no sight of children. - Check.
4. Mildly healthy gums. - Check.

(I didn't set very high standards for myself. It was the mid 90s.)

Okay, seriously my birth day (yes, two words) was awesome. And here's the pictures to prove it.

First, I woke up at 6:15 and was unable to go back to bed. I'm not sure if I was just excited for my birthday, or I'm now so old, I'm incapable of sleeping in. Do I get to start watching Matlock?

After breakfast, I read for awhile and then drove up to Malibu for a ride up in the mountains.
Here's some pictures of my ride and views. 2 Hours, 1,600 feet climbed and 3 snakes spotted.

And then, because I'm old, after my ride I got a massage. I don't know about you, but whenever I get a massage I always have two thoughts, ONE: "This feels so good that I don't even care if he beats children after work, I really think I'm in love with this man." No? Just me? TWO: "Sure, I'm in love with this man and his hands, but do I really need to tip him 50%?" (Honestly, what is that about? All over the room are signs that read: "Tipping Recommendations" - which mind you, recommend about $30.00 for a $47.00 massage. I mean, this is good, but he's not giving me the secret to life.)

Once the tipping quandary was crossed, the husband and I went to dinner at Bandera. (Please said with a creepy Spanish accent.) What can I say? I thought I had experienced my best meal last year at Mastros, but this was unbelievable. Ribs, chicken, slaw, cornbread, cobbler - my mouth is watering as I write this. Honestly, this restaurant makes me want to live to see my 33rd birthday...and become ridiculously rich, so I can casually say to the husband on Tuesday night, "Hey what about swinging over to Banderas?"

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Inner Therapy

I always find myself saying after a shift of work, "Well, that was it, I've seen it all." - And then, something else happens the next day. Today, I was taking the plates off one of my customer's table when she said to me, "Now this will not effect your tip in any way, but can I ask you something?" Immediately, I thought she was going to ask me something about the restaurant, so I said, "Sure." She then said, "Um, what do you think of me?" Now, I should mention that I have never met this lady before, and I really didn't spend a lot of time at her table because I was really busy, so, I replied with a confused stare. She then said, "You know, what is your impression of me?" Oh, I thought, "Thanks so much for clarifying your initial bizarre question. Now, I feel a lot less awkward answering your request."

Finally, after enduring her piercing eyes into my soul, I stumbled out a few things that I'm not proud of - remember, I work for tips. I think I said something like, "Um, you didn't seem like you were going to be difficult. A lot of customers can be difficult. Um, you seem nice. I like your hat, and you seem happy." I kept hoping she would cut me off and say, "Just kidding. I just wanted to see you make an ass of yourself," but she just stood there. Finally, I stopped complimenting random things and said, "How's that? Are you going to leave me a dollar now?" She then replied, as serious as possible, "Thank you. I'm just doing some inner therapy and I'm working on my self-image."

Only in LA.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Are You A Waitress?

The other day I went to the bank to deposit about two weeks worth of tips. As I pulled out my wad of money, with almost 89 1 dollar bills included, the teller, AS ALWAYS, asked, "Are you a waitress?" Now, this is where I find myself in a joking quandary. Of course, I could just disregard the joke lob and nod my head and say, "Yep, just depositing the ol' tips," but who wants to hear that? I mean, these innocent tellers are basically begging for me to give them some fantastic responses. So, what am I to do? Disappoint my local tellers? Of course not.

The following are my favorite responses to give. (Remember readers I'm a 5"8, blue-eyed, blonde chick, who just learned about the song "Regulate" from her ghetto Fairfield friend last week.)

1. "Nope, not a waitress"...pause for a friendly chuckle..."Just the neighborhood drug dealer." Followed by asking them if they need anything for a "headache."

2. "You would think I'm a waitress, but actually I steal from collection jars around supermarkets and cafeterias." Followed by friendly chuckle and complete eye contact.

3. "Waitress? I wish. Actually, my husband gives me an allowance for cleaning the apartment, picking up his dry cleaning and cooking dinner. It's been a good month of work." Followed by uneasy chuckle and no eye contact.

4. "What did you say?!" "Yeah, whatever - just hurry up." Followed by looking over my shoulder and at all security cameras.

And lastly, my tried and true...
5. "A waitress? Almost right. I'm actually a stripper." Followed by pointing out a hundred dollar bill in the wad and saying, "He's a great customer."

Sadly, only #5 gets a laugh. What, don't I look like I could be a stripper? Geez Citibank....

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Another Kitten Bites The Dust

So, lately, to either torment me or to cause me to find him not attractive at all, the husband has started insisting on watching old re-runs of Star Trek at night. At first, I thought he was kidding, but the habit has persisted. Tonight, I couldn't take it and had to resort to torturing him with tickling. I know, it sounds childish, but my husband crumbles at even the mention of tickling.

So, there I was, tickling the crap out of him, when he screamed out, "I swear every time you tickle me God kills a kitten!!"

I had to stop.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Crazy Train

I realize I'm a little late to the game on this movie review, but last weekend, Roger Egbert and I finally rented Unstoppable. (Just in time before it started showing weekly on FX.) Now, I realize that many people found this movie to be "Exciting" and "Grabbed our attention and didn't let us go for 98 nail-biting minutes of non-stop action and tension..." (as said by Louise Keller of Urban Cenfile), but I'm not sure I was as "riveted and excited by the show." First of all, and not to spoil the movie for those six of you who haven't seen it, but it's a train. Just a train going fast without a driver. I wouldn't call that non-stop action. If anything it's just non-stop stupidity watching this train move along because a fat idiot couldn't run fast enough to stop the train from starting in the first place. Now had a diabolical terrorist sent the train down the track, laced with explosives and threw in some fifth grade kids into the caboose, I would have had a little more "tension" watching this.

Second of all, the attempts of stopping this train were just plain ridiculous. Roger had an especially hard time with this aspect of the movie. I think he shouted a total of seven times, "This is so stupid, just put some people on the train and they'll stop it." (Spoiler alert: That's what happened...well, after they tried to shoot at the emergency brake button - which was, of course, right next to the fuel button. You CAN'T write more high tension stuff than this.)

And lastly, my problem with this movie was the incredibly anti-climatic ending. Of course, I knew at some point they were going to stop the train, but watching Chris Pine pull the lever off autopilot and watching the train slow down left me feeling empty inside. There was no final fight scene between the disgruntled Amtrak employee, who wanted to kill everyone, and the rookie operator, who still believed in the integrity of the train system. Or was a new love formed after surviving such a horrifying experience. No instead, we had to watch Denzel flirt like an old man with Rosario Dawson, and Chris Pine win back the love of his wife after pulling the lever that stopped the train.

So, overall...not my favorite movie. I mean the train did stop soooo it wasn't exactly "unstoppable." Just sayin'...