The other day I went to the bank to deposit about two weeks worth of tips. As I pulled out my wad of money, with almost 89 1 dollar bills included, the teller, AS ALWAYS, asked, "Are you a waitress?" Now, this is where I find myself in a joking quandary. Of course, I could just disregard the joke lob and nod my head and say, "Yep, just depositing the ol' tips," but who wants to hear that? I mean, these innocent tellers are basically begging for me to give them some fantastic responses. So, what am I to do? Disappoint my local tellers? Of course not.
The following are my favorite responses to give. (Remember readers I'm a 5"8, blue-eyed, blonde chick, who just learned about the song "Regulate" from her ghetto Fairfield friend last week.)
1. "Nope, not a waitress"...pause for a friendly chuckle..."Just the neighborhood drug dealer." Followed by asking them if they need anything for a "headache."
2. "You would think I'm a waitress, but actually I steal from collection jars around supermarkets and cafeterias." Followed by friendly chuckle and complete eye contact.
3. "Waitress? I wish. Actually, my husband gives me an allowance for cleaning the apartment, picking up his dry cleaning and cooking dinner. It's been a good month of work." Followed by uneasy chuckle and no eye contact.
4. "What did you say?!" "Yeah, whatever - just hurry up." Followed by looking over my shoulder and at all security cameras.
And lastly, my tried and true...
5. "A waitress? Almost right. I'm actually a stripper." Followed by pointing out a hundred dollar bill in the wad and saying, "He's a great customer."
Sadly, only #5 gets a laugh. What, don't I look like I could be a stripper? Geez Citibank....