Sunday, March 27, 2011


So, did anyone hear a rather large woman singing? Or did a pack of pigs fly over your house? Or did hell actually freeze over because yesterday something happened to me that can only be described by Wayne Cambell as, "Shuh, and monkeys might fly out of my butt." (Translation: what the...?) Enough build up?

Okay, in two weeks my sister and I are going to ride another century ride in St. George, so yesterday I went out for a 70 mile ride. At about mile 40, the skies opened up and it started to pour. For awhile I tried to keep my glasses on because getting pelted with rain at 30 miles an hour really hurts, but eventually, the rain and the steam, coming from my face, was making it so I couldn't see anything. So, once I navigated a busy street of potholes, suburbans and puddles I took my glasses off and tried to find somewhere to store them. Unfortunately, as I was fiddling with my glasses and trying to bear the rain I managed to run through a few stop signs. Now, in my defense these stop signs are about an half a block apart and there was no one on the road. AND if a car had been there I would have stopped. (I'm usually a very safe rider. I promise David Pulsipher.) Anyway, as soon as I propped my glasses into my helmet I heard a siren and turned to find a police officer behind me.

Immediately, I stopped my bike and waited for the gestapo (That's what my mom calls them because of their ridiculous boots.) to get out of his car to arrest me for selling cocain...oh wait, I'M ON A FREAKING BIKE! Anyway, after explaining my glasses debacle, my attempts to "slow down at intersections," and even a brief attempt at begging I was given a ticket for running a stop sign. I have to admit I sort of missed Mexico at that moment. Had I been there I would have just given the officer five bucks, a packet of Gu and promised to not tell anyone.

S0, what I have learned? Um, well...wait there's got to be something here...Oh yeah, I just wanted to thank all the police officers out there that are doing such a great job at protecting us and fighting crime. I really appreciated the time they took to find the perpetrators, who stole my my bike from my garage, and who spent countless hours tracking down the thugs that broke my husband's car door to steal my 2003 Ipod and some CDs, and that one officer, I can't remember your name now, but thank you for rushing over to my apartment when I called in and reported a car being stolen outside my window. I really appreciated you calling me and asking me, while they drove away with the stolen car, if I remembered which way they went. Just incredible police work all around. And, finally, for stopping my reckless abandonment on the bike. Had that gone unchecked...well, I don't even want to know what would have happened.

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.


SkippyMom said...

I had to smile at one small part of this.

Being "petaled" with rain sounds lovely, like flowers being strewn upon you.

Pelted - that would've hurt. As I am sure it did. [And I am only trying to make you smile.]

I am glad you are okay and didn't get hit. The cop sounds like a jackwagon, and I am sorry for the ticket - perhaps you can take it to court - I seriously doubt the cop will show up [for a bike ticket?] and it make get thrown out. If not, the judge may laugh so hard at the cop you could get off of the fine.

Good luck.

david said...

what a waste of everyone's time.

must've been quota time.

i heard a metro police officer tell a story about how at the end of the month he would just nail all the transients crossing the street off the orange line in the valley, when his numbers were low. that's top notch police work there, and it looks like you were in the wrong place, at the wrong time.


but thank you for being a responsible bicyclist. every time you stop at a sign, it gives you permission to be even more smug to people who claim bicyclists don't follow traffic laws.