Monday, March 28, 2011

The Dos and Don'ts of Winking

So what are your feelings on winking? Good? Bad? Sort of creepy? Here's my guidelines:

Okay Winking:
1. Indicating to someone you are murdering them in the fun filled game of "Murder."*
2. If you are over the age of 80 and are actually Santa Claus dressed up as a normal old man.
3. If you have a glass eye, which prevents you from blinking both eyes together.
4. If, while making fun of someone, they start to believe you and tear up, an immediate wink is absolutely acceptable. (I've been caught in this situation many times. Too many times.)
5. If you were the star of any 80s hair band. (Somehow I just expect Bret Michaels and Sebastian Bach to use winks in an appropriate manner - like right after they say - and mean it - "You're sayin' my love won't do yeah
But that ain't love written on your face
Well honey I can see right through yeah
Yeah who's on who at the end of the race." Truly poetic.

Not Okay Winking:
1. When someone says, "Try the soup. I always put a secret ingredient in it that may or may not taste like the sweat I rubbed off my dog."
2. When someone comes in and asks for an application and when you give it to them they say "thanks" and then wink at you. Really, a wink? That's going to make me disregard the fact that in the column "Crime Record" you are a registered sex offender? (The first part really happened. The second part I just guessed.)
3. If you are over 65, wearing old man spandex shorts and a fanny pack, please don't wink at me as I bring you your 1 freaking pancake and refresh the coffee you brought in from Starbucks. (The catalyst for writing this entry.)
4. At a pirate. That's just mean. He can't properly respond.
5. If you are a 2012 presidential hopeful from Alaska.

*Who decided turning murder into a fun game? I suppose the same ones who decided throwing playground balls at weak kids would be fun. "Hey kids, run outside and play some murderball."


Ru said...

You would think as a former beauty queen, Sarah Palin would have mastered the wink--or learned not to wink at all--by now. Missed opportunity, in my opinion.

Rachel said...

You are killing me! Haha! How I ended up on your blog on this very tired night of mine I'll never know. Maybe Alaska winking at me?