Monday, January 31, 2011

Fair Fights

I would just like to say up front that there could be some potential bitterness in the following entry. You have been warned.

So, lately, I feel like a lot of people are getting pregnant, and I have to admit, I have some mixed emotions about all the bundles of joy shooting down from Heaven. On one hand, I'm really happy for my emotionally stable and mature friends, who are bringing children into this world. On the other hand, I'm a little tired of opening my gossip websites and seeing the announcement of another moronic celebrity having a baby. Why couldn't they all just follow the trend of 2003 Angelina and adopt? Why all of the sudden are these celebrities, who at one time were addicted to some substance of some sort (Britney...uh, Nicole Ritchey) becoming so freaking fertile? I mean honestly, are we serious about sending children to these people?

Below is what I call my "Seriously You are Going to Be A Parent?!!"

Celebrity #1: Pink

Relationship Status:

Pink recently told Cosmo that she is making an effort to be nicer to Carey (her on and off husband). "I'm so dramatic ... and in the past, I've been really mean," she said. "Carey sat me down one day when we were fighting and said, 'Baby, when you call me names, it hurts my feelings. Please try to stop.' And I was like 'Wow, thank you for telling me how you feel.' Now I fight fair."

Kate's Thoughts: Where to begin? Um, the fact that she classifies her fights with her husband as now "fair," is slightly troublesome. What about, "Now that we are having a baby I've decided to love my husband and not cause him to have periodical interventions with me like first grade teachers have with kids on the playground."

Fate of Child: Prior to entering rehab, will see this picture and know why its Dad took his motorcross and drove off a cliff.

Celebrity #2: Mike Tyson and wife/girlfriend* had a baby

Kate's Thoughts: This would be totally cool in my book if it was 1987 and the only thing I knew about Mike Tyson was Nintendo's "Punch-out," and the fact that he was dating Darlene (Robin Givens) from Head of the Class. Unfortunately, it's 2011 and his greatest hits include a rape conviction in 1991 and biting a man's ear off. Model Dad? Probably not.

Fate of Child: Kids will be terrified of him on the playground, he'll most likely have a very high pitched voice, and whenever his father hugs him, he will most likely cover his ears.

Celebrity #3: Mariah Carey and Mr. Carey

Relationship Status: She still pays for everything.

Kate's Thoughts: Again, quite a doozy to discuss. I think my anger with this situation really stems from her MTV Cribs, where she changed about twenty times, and kept saying stupid things like, "blah, blah...because I'm a diva." Yes, that's exactly the maternal instinct we are looking for - a diva.

Fate of Child: He'll go on to host an exciting show about nobodies showing the world their hidden talents and becoming America's Got Tal...wait a second. Sorry, I was thinking of someone else. I think she'll have a girl* and she'll wonder why her Dad looks her age and is always asking her mom for money. She'll also have a terrible voice...because something in the world has to make sense to me right now.

Celebrity #4: Rachel Zoe

Kate's Thoughts: She is Skeletor's long lost daughter. How does she even have enough cells and blood to make a baby? How does bone create life? This one makes me the most mad. I haven't been on a bike for a few weeks just so I can maintain weight for a baby and Skeletor drank air yesterday and is now pregnant.

Fate of Child: Eaten of course.

Other celebrities that should have made the list: Kim Zolciak from Real Housewives of Atlanta, Baby Spice from the Spice Girls and Anna Duggar (the chick already has 1,000 children!)

* I wasn't capable of reading the article because all I saw was "Mike Tyson baby."

* Again, absolutely no real research went into this entry.


Ru said...

I have a rather large comment I would like to leave in solidarity of this amazing post, but I think it would reveal to much of my true bitter-spinster nature, so I'll refrain. :)

Well done, the Pink analysis was particularly awesome.

SkippyMom said...

I love reading you and I feel for you, more than you know. You are right. It isn't fair and I wonder the same thing myself, often.

The Pink one makes me just shake my head.

As for Mike Tyson - did you know that he lost one of his children last year. She was killed [I think she was 2 or 3] and was strangled on a treadmill. Although no parent should lose a child I sometimes wonder who in the heck was watching this toddler and why she had to die a senseless death.

I hope you don't mind me coming around. Sometimes I don't know what to say when I see your pain because of me being a Mom. I just pray for you and your husband because I truly believe this IS going to happen for you.

I am pretty sure if we ninja posse'd with Ru we could infiltrate Hollywood and save one of those kids. Goodness knows you would be ten times the Momma.

Take care.

Molly said...

ha ha, "skeletor's long lost daughter!" that is not ok. actually... that is ba-nanas.