I Ain't No 007

There are few things in this world I'm not very good at. 1. I'm terrible at replacing the toilet paper. (Just ask my husband because he'll tell you. No, really, he'll tell you right now.) 2. Wearing my retainers at night. It's not that I don't enjoy straight teeth, I just loath the mocking I receive from the husband. (If I hear one more time, "Do you want to open mouth kiss?" when I decide to wear my retainers, I think I might commit murder.)

And 3. (yes, it's a short list) I'm not very good at gambling. (I know, you too, see the connection between toilet paper and retainers.) No honestly, I'm a terrible gambler. A few years back, Victim #1 (name has been changed to protect the privacy of my husband) and I went to Vegas to see his friend get married by Elvis. While we were there we decided to play a little roulette. As we walked up to the table, I was asked by the pit boss to show some ID. I, being 29 at the time, thought his question was absurd, and responded, "Oh, it's okay I'm 29." He took one look at me, and said, "I don't care if you are 88 years old I need to see some ID." I started to laugh a little bit and then realized the man wasn't kidding. So, I went upstairs to my room, got some ID and walked back. Now, me being as cool of a number as I am, as soon as I walked up to the table (mind you, a game was in progress) I shoved my ID into the dealer's face and said, "See I'm 29." Immediately, Victim #1 grabbed my arm and apologized to the other gamblers.

Then, once the game, that I disrupted, was over, Victim #1 and I started to randomly place our chips on the table. At this point, things were beginning to look up until I decided last minute to change one of my bets. (Mind you, once again, the game was in progress, and as I went to move my chips, the dealer bellowed out, "Don't TOUCH those chips!" Again, Victim #1 apologized and I looked down at the floor.

I wish I could tell you that, even though I was a complete moron, the white ball fell in our favor and we won millions of dollars. Unfortunately, that was not the case, and turns out 30 seconds of stupidity cost me $20.00.

Now, you would think that after this experience I would stay away from the gambling world, but last week we traveled to Vegas for an anniversary celebration, and before I knew it, I found myself in a casino. However, this time I decided to approach my gambling weakness from a different angle. I decided to approach the Black Jack table just like James Bond. I decided I would sit down with an air of confidence/cockiness, I would bet high, read my opponents and maintain an aura of mystery at all times. Unfortunately, my plan backfired as soon as I tried to smoothly and mysteriously look at my cards. I don't know why I thought hiding my cards would be a good idea, but in my attempt to be 007, I managed to completely bend them. Immediately, my cover was blown, and Cindy, the middle aged dealer, looked at me with disgust and said, "You can't bend the cards honey." No dry martinis could save me - I was exposed.

So, gambling will remain one of my weaknesses. At least it's not heroin.