Tuesday, November 19, 2013

People I Don't Understand

A few days ago the baby and I flew home from Utah.  As I sat there, wishing a Kindle Fairy existed so the Kindle, that I forgot to recharge, could entertain my baby, I looked around and realized the two guys in my row and the people across from me were just sitting in their chairs doing nothing.  Not reading, not listening to music, not watching TV, not sleeping, but just sitting there.  For a moment I wanted to shake them and plead with them to do something - anything.  What I wouldn't have given to drink a soda in peace without a little hand grabbing my ice cubes, or the amount of money I would have paid to read a magazine - even SKY MAGAZINE!  These people were totally wasting this experience!  So, as I sat there, watching these flying zombies, and wrestling with a surprisingly strong 14 month old, I thought of this entry: "People I Just Don't Understand."  The following is what I came up with as I wished for our plane to somehow slip into Time Warp Speed.

1.  People that don't do anything on planes.  It's weird.  What do you do on Sunday afternoons?  Sit by the window and just stare out it?

2.  People that watch NASCAR.  I think they go in circles 500 times.  I think someone wins?  Be honest, do most people DVR the races and just fast forward to the last three laps?

3.  People that train, enter and win eating contests of hot dogs, and other things that shouldn't be consumed in large quantities.  Did hobbies like golf and running seem too mundane?  Was food scarce in your home and now you are making up for all those missed meals?

4.  People that let dogs lick their mouth.  I know I'll get heat for this comment, but I just wanted to point out, that 9 times out of 10, that tongue was just licking another dog's butt.  Just saying.

5.  People who break down in tears when they see famous people.  You know the idiots who go hysterical if Robert Pattinson touches their hand at a Twilight Premier, or the ridiculous Bielivers, who would kill their own parents for five minutes with Justin Bieber.  All of these people need to just calm down.  You heard me.  Calm down.  In ten years, Justin Bieber is going to be a bloated, heroin addict, and Robert Pattinson will still look like an unwashed vampire.  I speak the truth.

I was going to list more...but I'm afraid to offend.  I think #4 is going to get me in enough trouble.

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