I mentioned before (see "I'm Old Now Get Off My Lawn") that I was going to milk my recent trip to Arizona into two entries. Well, here's the second one...
The other thing I realized, outside of becoming not nearly as cool as I think I am, is that I'm a terrible loser. I know this statement sounds rather obvious, being that I've played sports since I could walk and I'm now a coach, but let me explain. First of all, as I begin to accept the fact that my team is going to lose, I start to get even more sarcastic than I already am. For example, as a player, if my opponent is clearly going to win and then calls a time out, or stops the clock for an injury, I will start muttering, "Greeeattt. I wanted this game to continue. No, please take your time. This will allow the parents to properly loosen their wrists and hands before they applaud like a bunch of morons at the end of the game."
And as a coach, if I'm on the losing side, I first start with the players. (I don't really discriminate between which team.) I'll say something like, quietly of course, "How can someone that uncoordinated be winning this game? I swear, does Heaven even exist?" Or "I swear when we get back to Pepperdine I'm going to get (insert name of player) checked out for Ideational dyspraxia." *
After the sarcasm, anger and aggression take over. I can't even begin to apologize or recount all the cheap shots I threw at girls for no reason other than I was losing. Unfortunately, as a coach, I'm not really able to hit anyone. (Innocent water bottles lying on the ground don't really count.) Therefore, all I can do is give the evil eye, disgusted looks and sometimes fingers to spectators behind me. It doesn't feel as good as watching a happy winner become a dirty loser on the ground, but it blows off a little steam.
And lastly, once the sarcasm and aggression have subsided I make the final push and attack the opposing coach. (No, not physically attack. Come on that's insane.) But, I will, in my rousing pep talk at the end of the game, make several comments about the opposing coach in order for my girls and myself to know, that even though we might have lost the game, in life we were still ahead.
Don't judge. I hate losing.
*According to Wikipedia: Difficulty with planning a sequence of coordinated movements