Sorry for the Sample

A few weeks ago I went shopping at a local outlet mall, and while shopping, I had to use the bathroom.  So, in I went to the public restroom, closed the door, started to pull down the coolest invention ever (Maternity Shorts...Oh, why do we insist on going back to real waist bands, zipper and buttons...these clothes not only make life in general easy, but there's something so liberating about just pulling a large elastic material over your protruding stomach and saying to yourself, "Big meal?  Bring it.  Extra layer of warmth?  Sure.")

Anyway, back to the image I'm trying to create of me going number one in a public restroom....I closed the door and looked up to see a sign on the door that read: "Stool Samples?"  What?  Then I read on and found out some lab/school/gross ex-bus driver wants to pay people to donate their stool samples for research.  What?  Then below their contact information it said "up to $500 for your sample."  As always I don't even know where to begin.

One, should I be mocking this or applauding this for being a marketing masterpiece?  I mean think about it.  Contact people who are blowing money, they come in to the bathroom to talk themselves into entering Forever 21 one more time to purchase another lace/see through/knock-off of the 80's skirt, and just when they are considering their credit card debt, you hit them with a chance to make some cash.  Brilliant.  Why not sell some poo to buy some sh#t at Forever 21?  It actually seems like a fair trade.  

Two, what does "up to $500" mean?  Was I never told this, but do some people have more expensive and unique poo than me?  If I donated would I only be paid $250, where as Juan, after Chipolte, gets paid $500?  It doesn't seem fair or totally clear on the parameters.  

Three, does anyone want me to stop this post...because I sort of do.