Tuesday, May 20, 2014


The other night I got to go to Disneyland with my friend and no children.  Yeah, no children.  I'm not even sure why Disneyland allows children because I got to say it's a lot more magical without 3 feet little people attempting to run away from you as you wait in line for a thirty second ride.  (Oh, sorry, I should clarify, I meant children, not actual little people. I'm all for little people at Disneyland, and I'm all for them making candy in factories and coming out of cars with 20 of their friends.  Did that clear any offense?  Perfect.)

As we left the park, we started talking to a twenty-something hipster named Dylan.  Dylan, after some hard interrogation on our part one question about the different parking lots, revealed to us that he was indeed an employee of Disneyland.  AND not just any employee, but a freaking skipper on the Jungle Cruise.  (For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of attending Disneyland - the Jungle Cruise is a ten minute ride on a boat through a series of animatronics of monkeys, tribes people, piranhas, and hippos.  While you travel through this jungle wonder, a skipper pretends to drive the boat while telling jokes about the fake animals.  It's as magical as it sounds.)

Once we recovered from our initial shock of seeing an employee out of costume, I mean, once we figured we were going to be on the same bus with Dylan, we started to ask him about what's it's like to work at Disneyland.  And the following was revealed:

1. Dylan, with a college degree, decided to leave Washington, move down here, live out of his car for 2 months, all so he could work at Disneyland, because, and I quote, "That was always my dream."

My question: Your dream?  To say the same thing every day to a bunch of Asians and tired parents, who can only mildly hear you or understand your corny jokes?  Son, I think we need to redefine what it means to "dream."

2. Dylan told us that skippers of the Jungle Cruise are pretty much the "coolest people" at the park and their ride or attraction - I still haven't mastered the difference, is like the head fraternity of the park because of the "craziness" that takes place.

My thought:  The skippers are the coolest?  So, what's the general hierarchy of Disney?  Green soldiers total weirdos, Princesses, obviously, are the sluts, guides at Tower of Terror are just misunderstood and tour guides on Storybook Land Canals are fun, but at the end of the day won't do something crazy like make a joke about a monkey animatronic?  Go it.

Oh, and we asked about the "craziness" that goes on...wow, wow, wow, my ears heard things I wish I could unhear.  Um, sometimes, they put up to 45 people on one boat.  That's freaking 2 more people than they are supposed to.  One time, Dylan was getting heckled so bad he lied and said that if they keep it up he could sink the ship...and they stopped.  Oh, that's just wild.

3. Lastly, after quizzing us on pointless fun facts about the park (which we didn't know the answer to - stupid season holders) Dylan dropped one more bomb on us.  I asked him if there were just a bunch of jokes he had to memorize and then he got to pick which ones he used, or were they allowed to improvise.  By the look of his face you would have thought I just asked a Scientologist what is an E-Meter.  (Look it up kids.)  After a few seconds he replied, "I can't answer that question because I think that would ruin the magic of the park."

My thought:  I wonder how many meetings employees have to attend that are titled, "How to protect, promote, believe, die by, the idea that Disneyland is not a money grabbing racket, but a place of magic"?

Thanks Dylan for the insight.  I hope in thirty years I can come back with my grandkids and still see you rocking that hilarious skipper uniform.  I mean, that's the goal right?  Don't ever dream again Dylan!

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