Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Art Of Selling

Oh, the adventures of selling items on continues.  This time I decided to sell a stroller, that was given to me by a past customer...I was going to use it, but then I saw on the stroller's website that they don't recommend you run or walk quickly with a child inside.  Um, that's not going to work.  No, my knees can't really run, but I would like the option to walk quickly.  What exactly defines "walking quickly" anyway?  Stride must be elongated an extra four inches, and the heel remains off the ground for 2.5 extra seconds?*

Anyway, after inspecting the stroller in a dark garage I decided to post it for $200.00 knowing that all the stroller morons out there would low ball me and hopefully I would receive at least $100.00 for it.  So, I posted it, claimed I had never used it (Which is true.  I never used it. The customer before me used it.  But me? Nope.) and - if you ever post something on, always put some stupid stuff on there like "Product Specifications and Weight of Item."  I don't know why, but freak, those stupid details are like sirens to a sinking ship.  Sometimes I just make them up:
Warranty: Forever
Made of: 20% Carbon Dioxide and Recycled Wood
Featured in the movie Beethoven I and II

People love that stuff.

So, anyway, after a few hours of posting my stroller one guy contacted me and said this was the exact stroller his wife was wanting.  (Apparently, she is NOT into walking quickly.)  So, I text my name and address and he responds with: "My name is Jesus.  Imagine that!  Why would you sell it to anyone other than Jesus?  You make sure you enjoy your loooonnnng lunch. Don't come back home till I get there. (Creepy Smiley Face.)  The "looonnnggg" lunch reference is to the fact that I said someone else might be coming by to see it during lunch. Apparently, Jesus wanted me to skip out on that other buyer.  Not very Christian Jesus...just saying.  Not very Christian Like.

Anyway, the other buyer fortunately didn't show up and I was able to sell the stroller at my asking price to good ol' Jesus.  I love  I just hope that one day I don't get beaten for my "semi-embellished" posts...cus, apparently, once the stroller was in the light, I noticed some massive scratches on it from storing shoving it in my garage.  Did I say never used and in perfect condition?

* I created that definition.  Please do not attempt to test or duplicate.

1 comment:

R. M. Pitt said...

You've probably seen this before but it makes me laugh every time I think of selling something on Craigslist. This was an old post from craigslist for a Nissan Xterra:

"OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants."

Sorry, it's been a while since I've been on your blog. As always, it looks great. I swear we will talk one of these days. :)