A Hick In California: Avery

Alright folks, friends and creepy stalkers (you know who you are) I'm making a pledge right now. I pledge that this blog will not turn into a nauseating mommy blog that only features reports on my child's bowel movements and pictures of them eating homemade baby food. I promise never to expound the merits of organic foods for children, discuss the different methods of sleep training or make declarations of my joy of being a mother. I began this blog as a sarcastic observer and will remain so.

So, with that said, please allow this one post of my child.

THE DAY OF
On September 3, Monday night, I entered the hospital to begin the inducing process. What is that like? It's sort of strange because the whole day, before you go to the hospital, you keep thinking, "Let's see I need to shower, eat, I should call so and so...and...oh yeah, let's go have a baby tonight."

ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS

Once I got hooked up to the machines and settled, the nurse asked if we needed anything else. The husband then asked, "Do you have any motrin? I took a long run today and I think I'm going to be sore." For those of you who have forgotten this is about my delivering of a baby, I just entered the hospital to push out a watermelon and my husband, who ran a few miles, would like some pain medication. I thought the nurse's jaw was going to drop on the floor.

CONTRACTIONS

These suck. Why do people go natural? Do these same people just slam their hands in car doors before they start driving? That night we listened to two different women have "natural births." After listening to them scream for an hour I can report there is nothing "natural" about that type of birth. If you are being chased by someone with a chainsaw then that type of screaming would be considered "natural," but when nice narcotics are available to take the pain away then your stubborn reaction becomes very unnatural.

PAIN TOLERANCE OF 8

Before I was given anything to start the process of birth I was asked what I would consider my pain tolerance on a scale of 1-10. What a mean question. I mean, what am I supposed to say? I was a Division I college athlete, I have biked miles across states - I can't say a four. Heck, I can't even go six. So I said 8 - and then for the next 12 hours I thought, as the contractions intensified, "You idiot. Why did you say 8? Now look at you. You can't get an epidural now. Only a 5 would get a epidural now." I really hope there isn't a note in my file about how I lied on my pain tolerance level. How could I ever hold my head up?

EPIDURAL

There is a God.

THE DELIVERY

Without a doubt this was the coolest thing I have ever done. A PERSON CAME OUT OF ME! I will never forget the doctor calling out, "Stop," and then in one motion watching her pull out my baby and almost throw her onto my chest. They really should warn you that this is going to happen. For a split second, as I looked down at this bloody mess on my chest, I thought, "Um, someone just threw a random baby at me. People, someone just THREW a baby at me!" And then, you realize it's yours and you should probably put your arms around it.

So, there you have it. My experience of having a baby. I definitely recommend it. Unless you are 15, living somewhere in the south and are thinking of putting them in pageants. Then please, please never have sex.

INTRODUCING AVERY