I'm an Idiot

ALLLLrigghhttt...so, I'm an idiot...a complete idiot. I'm as gullible as my older brother always told me. So, the blog I destroyed in my past entry is fake. So?! So, I believed for a solid day that some moron was out there writing about her perfect family and the downfalls of "butt." So?! I'm an idiot. But, in my defense, that past entry was more an expression of my brewing frustration with other blogs I've read. AND, I have read blogs that are as ridiculous as the one I berated. (Though no more examples will be shared.) I'm a blog snob I admit it.

I can also admit that I'm rather embarrassed about my diatribe. As I called my good friend, Emad, and was informed about the satirical nature of my highlighted blog, I was reminded of other moments where I've felt as equally challenged, that is mentally. And because I'm really committing this blog into a self-flogging entry, I thought I might list my top five brainless moments.

1. When I was in fourth grade I heard my first real racist joke. Within five minutes of hearing it, I found a crowd of kids on the playground and re-told the joke. Unfortunately, I forgot about the ONE African-American who attended my school. Of course, at that very second he happened to stop and join the crowd. As I got to the punchline, and everyone was waiting, I made eye contact with him, and said, "Um, I forget how it goes." Obviously, I've never lived down the fact that I butchered a joke...no, I'm kidding.

2. In 8th grade, my friend asked me to break-up with her boyfriend for her. Me, always sharp as a tack, decided to inform this poor guy about the dissolution of his beloved relationship during lunch. So, there we sat in the middle of tables and crowds of kids, and I said, "So, Zach, Jenny doesn't want to go out with you anymore." I thought this would be quick and painless. Unfortunately, Zach held more emotions for Jenny than either of us realized because as soon as I said "she wants out," he started to cry. Yes, cry. And, from hundreds of kids' perspectives it looked like I was the bad guy. All I could do was pat him on the shoulder and mouth to the crowd, "It wasn't my fault. Jenny sucks. J-E-N-N-Y sucks."

3. When I was about 24, my good friend decided to teach me how to drive stick in a parking lot. Within ten seconds, and I'm not exaggerating at all, I managed to slam his car into a parked car. Fortunately, nothing happened to my friend's car, but the parked car was now up on the curb and the bumper was hanging on for dear life. I was truly behind the wheel for ten seconds.

4. When I was a sophomore in high school I was playing a pick up basketball game in our gym. While playing, I managed to steal the ball away from my opponent, and while looking back to talk some trash, I managed to run full speed into the wall. Not only, did I feel like a complete moron, but I also got ten stitches in my chin.

5. Last one...hmmmm...is it sad that's it's hard to narrow them down? Let's see. When I was a senior in college, I went to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy a picture frame. In the course of trying to find the right one, I accidentally dropped one I was looking at and managed to shatter almost an entire wall of picture frames. Instantly, a BBB worker came around the corner, and while I was surrounded by shattered glass, all I could say was, "I'm so sorry." Probably the worst part of this experience was I didn't actually end up buying anything. I would like to say I was too embarrassed to stay, but in actuality they didn't have the right size I was looking for. (Maybe this isn't an embarrassing moment, but the moment where I solidified my trip to hell.)

So, there you have it. I'm an idiot.