Friday, June 4, 2010

Baby Showers and Black Holes

Recently, I attended a baby shower. For those of you, like me, who don't have children this can be a very strange experience. First, as you watch gift after gift being opened a strange creaking sound begins in your womb, of course, indicating to yourself that you are getting old and your womanly duties are being grossly neglected. Secondly, and maybe this is just me, but every tiny shirt and shoe sends me into a tailspin and I find myself screaming out loud, "How is this possible that I want to eat a shoe because it looks so freaking cute?!" No, just me? Anyway, outside of my internal biological clock clanging like Big Ben, and the desire to eat tiny Gap clothes, I also find that baby showers can be very revealing in incredibly disturbing ways. What do I mean?
Well, I always heard the "fun stories" of giving birth - Like it's nine months of gaining weight, there's some kicking, you pick out a name, you wait in anticipation for your little angel and you have occasional doctor appointments. Then I went to a baby shower, and my safe world of "birth" came crashing down. First, IT'S NOT NINE MONTHS! Who decided to lie to woman and tell them nine months? I mean even wikipedia is in on the game. I googled "How long are women pregnant" and I got back "nine months" AND then followed up with it saying "40 weeks." Um, that's 10 months. Apparently, someone decided women wouldn't allow procreation if they thought it was longer than 9 months.

Secondly, I learned about contraptions, creams, bizarre after effects, breast pumps and a myriad of other things I'm not even sure I still fully understand. Again, where is the warm and fuzzy story? How come no one ever told me that you would need inserts for your bras so the leaking milk doesn't soak your shirt? Pads for bras? And not something I used in middle school to enhance my chances for a good time at our monthly dances? What is going on?

I still want kids, but I don't know if I'll be attending another shower anytime soon. I feel like next time we should all gather and someone can explain black holes in outer space. I think that would be less overwhelming.

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