Tuesday, March 23, 2010

4 Stages Of Rational Behavior

I like to think that in most cases I behave like a rational adult. For example, today after working 9 hours, and running a goalie practice up in Malibu, I went to start my car and found it to be dead. Now, unlike most people, I didn't overreact. There was no banging the steering wheel, no giving the finger to people driving functioning cars and no girl tears*. (Okay, there was maybe a few choice words, but come on, the car was dead.) Anyway, I would say that that was one of my better moments. Last night - not so much.

Picture this: A weekend of lacrosse. Flight delayed an hour. Flight full. Man to my right kept trying to talk to me. Girl on my left kept talking to herself about how her mom was crazy not to be supporting her recent elopement. 45 minutes to get my bag. 30 minutes to wait for my shuttle. Endured two trips around the airport while stopping at every shuttle stop. And finally after landing 1 1/2 hours in LAX I was able to leave the airport.

Now here's the question: How did I react?

Well, let's start with the poor Chinese people who got in the shuttle on our second trip around the airport. While our shuttle driver got out and tried to help a lady find her destination address, I exclaimed, pretty much in their faces, "Is this for REAL? I swear this is ridiculous!!" Their response, "You live LA?" To which I muttered in exasperation, "You got to be kidding me. Not only am I in the shuttle from hell, but I'm with Chinese people who are taking pictures of each other inside the shuttle! Kill me now." (Cue Chinese people moving closer together.)

Anyway, once I was finished terrorizing the Chinese, I moved on to more productive things like, yelling out like a turrets victim, "Come on!" every ten or fifteen seconds. When that didn't work, I moved on to a more rational protest of throwing my head back, and while letting out a huge breath, would bring my hands to my head and mutter incoherent words. Finally, when I realized my driver was not coming back any time soon I moved on to the last stage of my frustration - "ANGER and HATE For Everyone." Now, I can't explain this stage fully, but basically, my anger reaches such a level that it becomes a virtual vacuum and everything and everyone, who has ever bugged me, comes to the forefront of my mind. And all I can do is sit in a state of utter frustration and chronicle the people I hate.

Here's what I came up with last night:
1. Shuttle drivers
2. Pilots, who act like if they are super chipper we won't notice we are going to be an hour late.
3. People who don't use blinkers.
4. People with bad breath.
5. Refs.
6. People who drive below the speed limit.
7. Greenpeace workers.
8. Snakes.
9. Rappers, who are basic idiots, but who will make more money than I'll see in my lifetime.
10. Men who coach womens lacrosse.
11. Parking ticket attendants.
12. Ugly people who make out in public.
13. People who talk with their mouths full of food.
14. Keith Olbermann

Okay that's all I can remember from last night. I'm telling you it's like a blind rage. Fortunately, I was never driven to the last stage...murder...

*You know - mascara everywhere, whining into a cell phone at some daddy far away.

1 comment:

Hayden said...

This post pretty much made my day. I had a relatable rage experience earlier this week when a tweener pulled into a parking space I was so obviously waiting for. I almost had a Towanda moment. Truly, never in my life have I felt such an urge to key obscenities into someone's car. And I hate Keith Olbermann too. :)