Monday, February 10, 2014

Winter Olympics Is A Scam

So, we are a few days into the Olympics and I got to be honest, the Winter Olympics are the worst.  Honestly, it's a total scam.  Tell me any other time during the year, or during the next three years, when you would voluntarily sit down and watch the qualifying round of the ski jump, EVEN THE FINAL round of the biathlon or even ten minutes of the luge?  You wouldn't!  Shut up, you wouldn't.  And yet, because some country decides to spend twenty years worth of its GDP, we feel obligated, ONCE EVERY 4 YEARS, to sit down and ask, as if we really care, "Now, the bobsled is judged just on time, or is there some other type of scoring?"  Rip off the blinders people - you don't care about the ice skating.  You might think you care if he'll land that quad axel, but really in two weeks you won't remember the guy's name, the ridiculous athletic uniform costume he wore or even the music he chose to perform his routine.  You won't.  And if you want to fight me on this, I'll send you two tickets to Disney On Ice.  Still love ice skating?  Didn't think so.

And don't tell me about the snowboarding...listen, you Shaun White bandwagoning-good-for-nothing-lovers, name ONE more snowboarder.  Just one.  From any other country.  Male or female.  Tell me one trick.  Tell me how they are judged.  Tell me what the events are. Exactly. Get off the bandwagon.  Now.

And lastly, if you insist on religiously watching the Olympics please keep these few thoughts in mind:

Human Skeleton: This event would only be interesting if they randomly grabbed people from the crowd and threw them down the track...because let's be honest - what's the athletic skill involved here?  Holding on for dear life?  Closing your eyes and not crying out like a little girl?  Can you imagine if the announcer was like from the Price is Right, "Come on down Boris! You've been chosen to break the world's record!"

Cross Country Skiing: I would watch this event if the theme of James Bond was always playing, and masked assassins chased after the skiers.  Take away either two of these requests and I will not watch this.  Okay, if you have a boy on a bike screaming, "I want my two dollars," then yes, I would watch it. (John Cusack movie.  Look it up.)

Curling: I would only watch this if each team got sloppy drunk.  Can you imagine how excited they would get if they hit the thingy (no research on curling was involved in this post) in the bulls-eye?  Or how many falls there would be as they tried to sweep furiously behind?  It would be awesome.

Bobsled: I would follow this event if there was a weigh requirement to the participants.  250 pounds and up.  It would be fun to hear the commentators say, "Now this will be interesting.  The team from China is weighing a total of 1,303 pounds and there is still a concern about the last man even fitting into the sled...let's now go to this human interest story about how Germany trains with a diet of cheese, chocolate and beer."

Stop the scam Putin.  Stop it.


Molly said...

I wanted to comment about this earlier but I was too busy frantically figuring out which website to LIVE stream any and all events from the Olympics that I could.

Who are you!!!!? Where is your patriotism? Your sense of competition? Are you joking/just trying get a rise out of people... because I feel like this is so absurd that it almost rivals that ridiculous Amy Glass blog post that recently went viral.

The Olympics is one of the only times... every few years, that USA comes together and for the most part, we all agree on something. I mean you have a point with curling and even ice dancing for that matter. They are silly "sports" and I do not watch more than a few minutes. I also sometimes question the difficulty of skeleton but I have never tried it... maybe it takes serious skill?? And... I am totally rooting for Noelle Pikus Pace... and mom of two from Utah. :)

But, some of the other sports... I mean, how in the world did you not LOVE snowboard slopestyle?? I dont think I know many names of boarders from other countries or the names of the "McDouble Twist whatever" but they get SO high and make it look SO easy. I ski and snowboard, so I feel like I can appreciate the difficulty of the tricks and speed that these athletes execute. ANd Women's Long Jump is on today! That is insane to watch and I cannot wait to see all of those women trailblaze their sport to the Oly's for the first time.

I also love the back stories... yesterday there was one during men's moguls of the 2x Canadian gold medalist Alex Bilodeau and his disabled brother... it pulled at the heart strings.

When the Olys were in SLC in 2002... one of the only events that I witnessed in person was Men's cross country skiing. Lame right? I wasn't that into the sport and I don't remember who won... some dude from another country but I literally had tears streaming down my face watching him fight to the finish line and win gold. These athletes are fighting with everything that they have. Some of them homeschool their whole life just to commit to their sport. The drama, reactions, dashed dreams, wipeouts, and dreams coming true... that is what it is all about.

JoAnn said...

I love ALL of the figure skating. I watch it even when it is not the Olympics. Most people do not realize how difficult it is...of course, they have never tried it!

Skating is more difficult than being on a team that pushes and shoves its way down a court, compared to being on those skinny blades traveling down the ice at dangerous speeds....and then jumping into the air and landing.

Ice skaters are more athletic than ice hockey players. Put them up against each other and see who skates faster and has more endurance.

I do know who the skating competitors are. And I remember them, if not their music.

But no tickets to Disney on Ice for me! Thanks anyway.

I also love the cameraderie and the sense of patriotism that we see, from all countries.

For about 30 years, I have not seen an opening ceremony, winter or summer, that was not WEIRD. It seems like every host country tries to out-weird each other.

The Writer said...

Mrs. Kirk -
Trust me, you couldn't pay me to get on two skates.

Lindsey Loo said...

You. Are. A. Monster.
Good day to you.

SkippyMom said...

I noticed that you apologized and had to point out you are not, in fact, a communist - so you know I rushed over to read this post. Right?

I laughed the whole way through it. It's hysterical and pretty much spot on. It doesn't make you or me unAmerican - it just makes us snarky and sarcastic.

I still have my funny bone - no one has put me on the luge yet.

Well done. :)