Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Footlong Mistake

Sorry for the week of no posts. I had a terrible week of bad karma. How did it all begin? Well, last Saturday the husband and I went up to Camarillo to do some shopping. After four hours of the husband saying, "I don't know what looks good. Ask someone else," we took a break and enjoyed some Subway sandwiches. As we were eating, I realized the total I was told, and paid for, didn't seem to make sense. After retrieving my receipt, I noticed the Subway employee neglected to charge us for the husband's sandwich. Now, here's where I went wrong. As we sat there watching millions of people file around the stores and restaurants, we decided we weren't going to go up and rectify our bill. I know, I know I seem like someone who has a conscious. (My apologies for crashing your hopes and dreams.)

Anyway, as we continued with our day I had the nagging feeling that this false decision was going to come back and haunt us. And oh, how it did.

Fast forward eight hours, the husband and I have just enjoyed some delightful Japanese food (which we paid in full) and we find ourselves entering our apartment's elevator at a slightly heightened pace. (We were sort of chasing/fighting each other.) Anyway, me, always being the brilliant one, decided to change the game and threw my keys at the husband. As soon as I let go of the keys, I saw the Subway staff doing inventory and wondering where did that unaccounted foot long wheat go? Where did it go Subway? Well, probably not the same place my keys ended up. Yep, my keys managed to ricochet off the husband and down the elevator shaft. Gone. Point for you karma.

Now, I wish I could tell you that that was the end of the game, but karma wanted more. Fast forward five hours and I find myself, like a freshmen in college after her first night of drinking, throwing up my PAID for Japanese food. Yep, not only did I lose my keys, but I also got the STOMACH flu! Yeah.

Moral of the story: Pay your freaking Subway bill. The universe is watching.

Oh, and if this didn't seem awkward...more stories are coming.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It Wasn't Me

Awkward #4:

A few weeks ago I went to the grocery store to get some dinner for a big party I was throwing...oh wait, I was getting dinner for myself. (Cue complaint about my husband's hours.) Anyway, as I rounded the corner to the produce section, I heard a very loud crash followed by about 30 bottles of wine falling to the ground. As I stepped closer to see what had happened a man popped up from the mess, made eye contact with me and then quickly walked away. After he rounded the corner, another customer, who saw the scene, looked at me and asked, "Did he just run away?"

Now, of course, the fact that a grown man would run away from such a huge mess is slightly awkward, but things got more awkward as we continued to run into each other throughout the store. Every time we would find ourselves on the same aisle I would look at him with the, "I know what you did," look and he would respond with, "Please don't tell them it was me" look.

Finally, after three different awkward encounters, I began to wonder why he ran away in the first place. Did he think they were going to revoke his shopping privileges for life? Did he think they were going to make him clean up the virtual winery on the floor? Or even pay for the mess? Did he think they would make him drink the spilled wine while shouting, "YOU ARE AN IDIOT AND EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW IT!!!?" Honestly, was does this guy do when he makes a mistake at work? Burn the office down so no one will know he accidentally pressed "reply to all" instead of replying back to one person?

Hey, grown man at the grocery store you made a mistake. It's okay. Really. It was wine on sale at the grocery store. We aren't talking real expensive stuff.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Guess What? Your Car Just Got Keyed!

Awkward #3: (refer to the last two entries)

Homeless man walks down four blocks and scratches every car with a pocket knife. Finally, at the fourth block the police catch up with him and he is arrested.

It is estimated that almost twenty cars were scratched. His last victim was a nice Lexus.

I walk into the restaurant, after getting the story from the police officer, and say out loud, as I'm pointing to the street, "Man, I would hate to own that Lexus."

Three tables over a customer pops his head up and says, "What did you say about my Lexus?"

Monday, December 5, 2011

Big Hat

For those of you, who haven't been reading my blog because of my gross neglect I have decided, well since my last entry, to recount some of the past awkward moments I have had to endure through the month of November.

Awkward Situation #2
So, on Thanksgiving day I was working at the restaurant serving ridiculous amounts of food to ridiculous amounts of people. (You know our country is disgustingly obese when, on the most gluttonous day of the year, people BEGIN their feasts with eggs benedict, pancakes, bacon and hash browns.) I digress.

As I was finishing up for the day, Norm MacDonald (star of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live and Billy Madison) walked in and plopped down at one of my tables. He's a bit of a regular so I wasn't star struck or overly excited to take one more customer. However, as I got to the table he shouted out, "Hey, long time no see!" and then proceeded to grab my hand and perform the most awkward handshake. Now, this five minute hand jive would constitute an awkward moment, but then it got a little stranger. As we bumped fists and slapped palms, he said, "Last night I made food for Thanksgiving, but then I left it out all night and it spoiled, so I left everyone in my house and came here." (Still attempting to master the 90210 Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh final high five.) He then proceeded to ask, "Do you guys do Thanksgiving to go?" At this, I pulled my hand away, and realized poor Norm was deeply drunk and in deeply in need of a Boston Market...and maybe a request for a quick impression of Burt Reynolds. (Come on, like you wouldn't have taken advantage of his inebriation and said, "Big Hat. It's funny because it's a big hat." Right?)

Anyway, after downing an omelet and some hash browns, he announced he had found a "Thanksgiving take out place" (yep, I bet it was awesome too) and proceeded to grab my hand for a final adieu. Fortunately, I was ready this time and got out after two sort of cool snaps.

I don't know what was more awkward, the fact that he seemed to think we were really good friends, or the fact that he sucks at handshakes?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I Literally Died

This is me being literally dragged to Hawaii.

Since 1 of my 5 readers threatened to stop following my blog I have decided to check in (yeah, that's right, Meg Schmidt - you are getting a shout out.) I apologize for the absence, but since my last entry, I've been to Hawaii, celebrated Turkey Day, sort of started watching Hart of Dixie. Oh, did I just lose 1 of my five readers? I meant, I've been watching Hawaii 5-0...oh, and all of the sudden, my readership in the midwest and between the ages of 41-to dead has gone drastically up!

Alright, enough of the excuses to the faceless cyber-world, let's get down to it. This past month has been an unusually awkward month for me. Therefore, for the next six entries you are going to get to see the past month through my eyes.

Awkward Situation #1:
After being in Hawaii a little over a week, I returned to work and was asked about 100 times, "Where were you?" by co-workers and my regulars. I finally grew tired of saying, while shrugging my shoulders in the most pathetic attempt at humility, "Um, I was in Hawaii for a week with my husband's family," so I decided to change things up on one unsuspecting customer. The following awkward conversation occurred:

Customer: "So, I came in last week and asked to sit in your section, but they said you were not here."
Kate: "Oh, yeah. It's actually sort of crazy."
Customer: Pushes aside his oatmeal and leans in...
Kate: "My husband just packed my bags, threw me on a plane and forced me to go to Hawaii. It was pretty scary there...but, someone had to do it."

Customer: (Slight moment of silence) "Um, Kate, are you okay? Are you still with your husband?"

I got to admit I just don't understand literal people. What kind of world do you all live in? Do you look at people's crotches in disgust when the say, "I literally peed my pants?" Are you enraged when you find out someone didn't die even when they said they literally died when they found something out? And do you truly believe someone gets DRAGGED to Hawaii?

On second thought, was this customer being sarcastic with me? Am I literal person?