Lately I've been transferring old home videos into DVDs. It's been interesting looking back through a small window of the past and almost seeing where present insecurities began. I am a twin to a girl. A girl who was a girl from the very beginning. It was dresses, barbies, long hair and a little tutu. I, on the other hand, looked more like a young truck driver in training. It was mullets, baby fat, nightmare teeth and a squatty little body. My parents might as well have given me a mesh hat and a little tobacco because my truck was just about to push off.
As I watched myself sing Christmas songs, dance in a leotard (with the underwear hanging out of course) and tell the camera that a spiritual I was about to sing, "originated came from the slaves" I didn't feel like much time had passed. It amazes me to think how small moments in time can so deeply define you. I don't know if I'll ever feel totally comfortable all dressed up and marching around as a lady. (maybe the fact that I see it as "marching" is part of my problem) I think I'll always feel like that little fat kid who was stuck between her days of being a tomboy and trying to emerge as a girl.
I told my parents these thoughts yesterday and my Dad came running to my rescue. He said, "You know how people always say you take after your mother? Well, when you were little you took after your father." Thanks Dad.