Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Does This Award Make Me Look Amazing?

A few weeks ago I flew out to Utah to run my annual lacrosse camp.  I've been doing this camp for almost ten years and I have to say, with all honesty, this was probably the worst group of kids I've ever coached at a camp.  Sure, they were some kids, who could play (my niece - not biased AT ALL) but on the whole it was pretty mind numbing.  So, after the first day, myself and the coaches dropped expectations and tried to do our best with what we had.

By the last day, I started seeing some improvement and was glad I had done the camp....blah, blah, blah.   (To protect myself from any defamation charges.)  Anyway, at the end of the camp we had an awards ceremony.  Each coach was allowed to pick one camper from each level who they deemed "Most Improved," "Or Greatest Hustler" etc.  (Basically, the best overall camper.)  I chose a small girl, probably only 5"1, because she hustled a ton and seemed to take instruction well.  So, I made a little speech about her, clapped my hands, and I think, gave her a pair of shorts.  (Big, big, big time prize.)

Anyway, as we were cleaning up and preparing to leave the camp, my "Best Overall Camper" came up to me to tell me thanks for the award.  I followed up with more encouragement and a nice pat on the back, to reinforce my belief in her and my desire for her to go home so I could do the same, when all of the sudden she asked, "Now you went to Duke right?"  Yes, I said.  And then she said, "Cool.  I really want to go to Duke.  Do you think you could contact the coach?"

Wait a second.  What?  You just got a pair of shorts for being, let's be honest, "The Not As Bad As These Other Kids, But Really, It Was A Very Close Call."  After I composed myself, and hopefully wiped off the, "What the..." look off my face, I said, "Yeah, Duke...awesome.  Totally.  Um, tell me your email address.  I'm really good at remembering stuff."  To which she rattled off something that went like this:  Totally got it locked down.

As she walked away triumphantly, I started to laugh.  I have never seen an award go faster to someone's head than this time.  I don't think even Heisman Winners take the trophy and then scream out, "What NFL Team wants me now??!!!"

How do I start my email to my coach....Dear Kerstin, A few weeks ago I coached a semi-athletic girl, with giant ovaries of confidence...her email address is...oh crap...

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I Nominate This To End

Before you ask, I'll answer your question, which is - why am I coming out of blog retirement?  What pressing issue or story has caused me to actually open up this old website, dust off the keyboard, reach into my depths of sarcasm and write?  Well, folks, it's the recent Ice Bucket Challenge going on around the world in order to support ALS.  (For posterity sake: The Ice Bucket Challenge consists of people dumping cold buckets of water of their heads to bring awareness to ALS, and to escape the punishment of donating money to ALS research - or some money bags/kind people, do the challenge and then donate.  Once the bucket is emptied people then get the opportunity to nominate other people to participate.  I just looked up the origin of this fun game and found that it all started on some golf channel and then went viral.  Go Golf!)

Now before you get all excited about seeing a wet t-shirt contest gone bad with an 18 week old pregnant woman, let me just say, it's not going to happen.  Call me cold hearted, call me a poor sport - honestly, call me whatever you want.  (Just not the "B" word...I hate being called big.)  I'm not doing this.  Why?  For the same reason I never made a "Call Me Maybe" parody, never danced gangnam style on a crowded subway or filmed myself putting mentos in a diet coke bottle just to see it explode.  Sure, this has raised all sorts of money and yes, I now still have no idea what ALS stands for, but can we finally raise the white flag on this?

Honestly, each morning I open up Facebook and Instagram (What?  You eat breakfast?) and scroll through countless videos of friends and acquaintances (sorry, I mean "friends" - wink, wink, wink Facebook) dumping ice water over their heads.  And then, I hold my breath waiting to see if I have again dodged a bullet and not been called out to participate in this strange pop culture/mob challenge.  Friends, I can't take this any longer.  Sure, I didn't mind when my neighbor I grew up with did it.  (Haven't talked to them in 20 years - totally safe.)  And then, it was fun to see some college friends.  (I mean to see them in person, talking and not in a photo.)  But, again, I was safe.  I wasn't on their radar.

And then, people I talk to each day started getting challenged.  People. I. Talk. To. Every day.  Crap, I thought, now I'm going to have to fill a warm bucket of water and pretend I'm all freezing when it comes over my head.  Do I still have the acting skills?  What if everyone I know has already been nominated?  What then?  Do I just look like a loser, who has no friends?  Will someone from the ALS organization call me to verify the temperature of my bucket?  Would I get fined?  Would people forgive me if I filmed myself singing "Let it Go" with my daughter?  Or filmed myself scaring my roommate?  Would that make the viral Gods forgive me?

Seriously people, it's been fun.  But let's call it a day.  I mean, the water being wasted is just disgusting...