My Testimony

Two weeks ago, the man and I went down to our garage and found our bikes had been stolen. Words cannot sufficiently or accurately describe the anger I felt. One, who goes into a locked garage and steals bikes? Does this person also kick old ladies in the hips and steal their dentures? Two, why did they have to steal my bike? I mean, I actually use my bike every day. Why couldn't they steal the motorcycle that causes my apartment to vibrate every time the moron decides to go for a morning ride on Saturday? Or how about the three SURF boards that were still sitting there just mocking my bike's absence? How come my thieves had to have such discriminating taste?

So, let me just say, to all the thieves out there. You know who you are. You are the ones that broke into my car in high school and stole my sister's Oakley sunglasses. It was 1999 - do you have any idea how cool my sister was with OAKLEY Sunglasses?!! Do you know that you not only robbed me, but her of sheer coolness. And to you, the punk in college who stole the jacket I stole from my sister, who stole from some chick in high school, who probably paid good money for it - you are a terrible person. And to the jerks who broke into my roommate's car twice. Yeah, twice. Lay off the Honda civic and the idiots who constructed those easily popped locks. And to the little a-holes who shattered my man's car only to steal my 2003 Ipod and some CDs - we hope you have gotten into a terrible accident.

So, to all of you who think it's cool to steal things let me just say - there is truly, truly a special place in hell prepared for you. I know and hope this with every fiber of my being.